AIBU or is my friend?(57 Posts)
I have a son who is nearly 2 and a friend who I have been friends with for 25 years.
I had problems conceiving my child and ended up having IVF which worked second time round. Friend knows this. She doesn't have a child of her own yet.
Friend also wants a child but about a year before I conceived her fiancé got someone else pregnant. I was there for her, cried, supported her, threatened to kill him! I feel like I'm a good friend to her.
We seem to have a blow up every year. It generally starts with her picking away at me till I snap back. I think we are getting close to this now...
She keeps on digging at me about my son, saying I'm OTT about him because I said I was cutting my days at work from 5 to 4 to spend more time with him and that I needed to get a grip.
Laughing at me looking at holidays through Tots To Travel. And saying her sister and husband are taking their son and driving to France from London, not booking any hotels, just rocking up in France and will find a hotel at the time. She then said that her sister and husband are very relaxed with her nephew and 'she isn't up her son's arse all the time, her son has just slotted into their lives', basically insinuating that I am. I didn't bite, I just said I couldn't do that cause I like to be organised.
Telling me that having half an hour for lunch was ridiculous when she knows I do that so I can leave work half an hour early to get home to do bath and bedtime.
I think I do the things that normal mums do. Or am I OTT? maybe I'm a little more PFB with him because of how long I had to wait and what I went through to go with him. But I thought that would be understandable.
YANBU. Your parenting choices have fuck all to do with her. The half hour lunch break - what on earth would you do with more (ex teacher - ever had more than 15 mins!)
Don't fancy their chances of rocking up in France and expecting to find a hotel either, although that's up to them. Tried the same camping several child free years ago. It was a nightmare.
Sounds normal to me, not PFB. Even if it was a bit PFB she just sounds like a cow.
She's jealous as hell of you isn't she?
The only way she can feel better about you having your DS and her being childless is to try and belittle you and put you down.
I'd be backing away from the friendship if I was you.
Bully for her
You do what is best for you . End of
Your friend obviously has her own issues which I have sympathy with but she is being a bit of a cow with "get a grip" and similar comments. I think you're handling if well by not giving her a big reaction.
Tell her to feck off. Non of her business and don't try and explain yourself.
What Jennifer said -YANBU your child your choices - she's clearly not coping well with seeing you coping with motherhood and is probably missing having you all to herself. Reminds me of those dads that get jealous of their own kids n start vying for the mother's attention.
Have a word with her
Start writing down all her little barbs and bitchspurts.
1. Tick them off when she does the exact same things when she has a child [bingo]
2. Compile them into book form and present it to her on the birth of her first child. Call the book something like "The Best Friend's Guide To Being A Bitch" or maybe "Things You SOOOO Will Do."
Meanwhile, edge yourself away from this woman until she has a child. Or some empathy, understanding and kindness.
PS She might be desperate for a child and very jealous.
You're not OTT. She sounds jealous & in fairness it's no wonder. She's been through a tough time, but it doesn't excuse her behaviour towards you.
Fwiw, I'm in a very similar position to you, I also take only 30min lunches to leave earlier & arrange everything with my son's comfort & security in mind.
It's not going to be forever and I'm very happy to live like this while he's small. She simply can't appreciate what it's like for you. I would tend to feel sorry for her, try not to bite.
We had a big argument when I was about to go for IVF. She kicked off with me because she said I wouldn't be happy for her if she fell pregnant (she was loosely dating someone at the time). I was just about to go for IVF and was feeling so awful - I felt like dying! All I asked was for the same support I gave her when she was going through hell.
Last year she started on my clothes, saying that I needed to 'diversify my wardrobe' and I'd got mumsy and frumpy. I was hardly going to be running around after a one year old in a mini skirt and boob tube!
She doesn't sound like a friend.
She's goading you until you snap then she can paint you as the bad guy. Don't rise to it (and you sound completely normal!)
does she ever behave like an actual friend towards you ?
Borntohula - she does which is why I tend to forgive and forget. She's been close to our family for years, she's great when it comes to talking through my family issues with.
Doesn't matter if you are bring pfb (you're not), this is your child and these are your choices. She can agree, she can disagree, she can something in the middle but by putting them down she's not being a good friend.
Of course it might be hard for her but it's not fair for her to act like it's your fault. I bet if she said to you "I'm struggling. I'm finding this very hard" you'd be fiercely supportive. But she's putting you down and sniping. Obviously that's going to get anyone's back up.
As for rocking up with no reservations, that sounds very free-spirited and spontaneous. If that's how her sister and bil choose to live their lives then more power to them. Their choice is no better or worse than yours.
Is it that she likes it when you are feeling sad and want to talk through family issues, but she doesn't like it as much when you're happy - and that's when she starts needling you and belittling you?
Yeah. Your role in the relationship is to make her feel better about herself.
She is seriously not a friend. Maybe she is feeling unhappy right now but she is using you as her personal punchbag!! I would tell her to back off.
well, that's fair enough but fwiw, based on what you've described, she sounds a bit difficult... i wouldn't take it to heart, especially if she's similar with other people - you don't sound abnormally 'pfb'!
How is someone as horrible to you as she is, considered a friend? Do you actually like her at all?! Why see someone who is so nasty to you?
She's a knob. Nothing you are doing is particularly PFB - it's called being a parent. You have to juggle your life differently when you have a child. I'd tell her to
piss off keep her nose out in future.
She sounds like hard work to me. Is she waiting for you to "bite"? If so I'd be tempted to answer every comment with "You think so? Okey doke. Tea was it?" and be bright and breezy atop your high ground.
Anaa - it's because she's not nasty to me all the time, often we have a good old chinwag together but it starts to build up slowly on a yearly basis till I can't take it any more and snap.
Nothing you've written sounds pfb, ott, "up child's arse", or even different due to style of conception - your parenting sounds perfectly normal and loving. Perhaps some children just slot into their parents' lives, but not in my realm of experience.
What do you want to do about this friendship, hope it blows over, have a confrontation / heart to heart? What's to say she'll stop even if she does have her own child, she could just carry on with barbed "I don't do it that way" type comments. Is it just having a child or could there be something else to her behaviour, another reason for her to be jealous? Does she feel like you have it all, but secretly she deserves it all, therefore because it's not fair she cuts you down to size with quips?
It's like just beneath the surface, there is something niggling, something not quite right / balanced about the friendship. (from the little info we have. Ignore if way off mark obviously)
And YANBU taking half hour lunch break so you can get home to lo earlier, and arranging accommodation before you go on holiday are pretty staple aspects of parenting and organisation.
how does she react when she realises she's pushed you too far ?
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