Talk

Advanced search

To ask how do you get this elusive self esteem thing?

(30 Posts)
Justmeagain78 Mon 13-Jun-16 22:09:52

Am starting to think I'll never have have it. I read countless articles about it but however hard I try I always see myself as overweight, ugly and useless at most things!

Hassled Mon 13-Jun-16 22:13:33

I think as you get older you just keep giving less and less of a shit until eventually you realise that you're pretty competent at most things, you function well on a day to day basis, your opinions are valid and well-reasoned, you don't look so bad all things considered - and so that actually your self-esteem is fine. That was certainly the case with me - all I needed was the passage of time. I wish I'd had it when I was younger, though.

VestalVirgin Mon 13-Jun-16 22:16:52

Doing things you actually are good at would be a start.
I'm not very good at anything, but I've lowered my expectations - cooking an edible meal is an achievement! Knitting a scarf that keeps you warm is an achievement!

I thiiiink I feel better after doing things with a result instead of just browsing the internet, but I am not entirely sure.

I read that watching TV lowers self-esteem because you don't do anything at all. And, of course, because of misogyny in the media. So, if you watch TV a lot, cutting that back would be something you can do.

ShesAStar Mon 13-Jun-16 22:19:23

But you are good at some things! You will have fantastic features and parts of your figure/face will be fantastic. You have to realise what your good points are and build from there. Make a mental list of your best features - be they physical or mental. All people have good traits and tallents, you too! Realise you are as good as anyone, because you definitely are. Once you've allowed yourself to think you're fab I think the self esteem will follow.

If that's all going down the wrong path, I apologise.

AtSea1979 Mon 13-Jun-16 22:19:45

Challenge your opinions of yourself and compare how you'd see yourself if it was a friend.

BeBopTalulah Mon 13-Jun-16 22:25:47

The most important thing I have learned is that self esteem is not about looks particularly. There are very few people who have it 100% of the time 24/7, it waxes and wanes. You have to earn it, by doing good things for other people, volunteer, learn a new skill and teach someone else.

Sometimes you have to take some time to realise what you are good at and what sort of person you are, those are the important things. Someone who invests all of their positivity in the way they look will be deeply disappointed in 30 years time. I have certainly never met anyone and thought 'wow, what an amazing person they are, shame about the way they look....' However I have met people and wondered - 'what an attractive person, shame they have very little to talk about...'

arethereanyleftatall Mon 13-Jun-16 22:29:51

Mine improved with age. #hopeopisyoung

AuntJane Mon 13-Jun-16 22:51:19

Start by changing your user name! Justmeagain? JUST me?

Make it Fabulousmeagain and believe it!

mynamesnotMa Mon 13-Jun-16 23:01:41

Tis a fragile thing. .THe most outwardly confident usually are fighting just as many demons.
Deep down we are all the same.
Think be happy with what you have the little things a good song one friend that gets you a good book a place where you feel at one.

MegGriffin1 Wed 15-Jun-16 00:47:33

At nearly 30 im getting there. I thought it would never comesmile

WindPowerRanger Wed 15-Jun-16 01:21:02

Practise it daily!

It is no one thing or sudden switch, it is a process.

Start by trying to be aware of when and how you have negative thoughts about yourself, or low expectations etc. Then start to challenge them. Don't impose much higher standards on yourself than you do on others, and remember not being perfect is not tantamount to failure.

Even if it seems artificial, treat yourself as though you are important and fabulous. This means organising things to suit yourself as well as other people. Say no to things and people when what they want or expect doesn't work for you. Allow yourself time alone, or to do the things you like, not as a treat but because like anyone else, it's your due.

joellevandyne Wed 15-Jun-16 01:25:14

This is going to sound a bit "personal developmenty" but the biggest positive change to my self-esteem came when I really took on board the idea that I am 100 percent responsible for the results that I get.

If I don't like something about the way I look, it's up to me to either change it or learn to accept it while making the best of it. If I hate my job, it's up to me to speak up and try to fix the problems, or get a new one. If my relationship is a bit shit, I can make the choice to work on it or move on. Nobody else can or should take responsibility for my happiness.

The belief that you and you alone have the power to sort out your own shit is at the heart of self-esteem. The beauty of this is that it's a self-perpetuating belief. Once you realize/decide that it's down to you to fix something, and you take concrete steps to do whatever it takes to sort out the things inyour life that upset you, a) you reduce your problems, and b) you feel empowered every time you solve a problem, leading to higher overall self-confidence.

Conversely, if you believe that your problems are caused by forces over which you have little or no control, then you will never feel all that great about yourself.

TheStoic Wed 15-Jun-16 02:00:16

To me, self-esteem is not about how attractive/competent/successful a person is.

It's about how they are willing to be treated by other people. Every human being has value, regardless of how beautiful/talented/clever they are. Once you truly believe that, the externals of your life won't matter.

EBearhug Wed 15-Jun-16 02:20:36

I agree that age is part of it. Also don't compare how you feel on the inside with what others show on the outside. They might be feeling nervous as anything on the inside and just putting on a show.

Focus on the things you can do - and post some of them here. Making them more public will make them more real.

BadLad Wed 15-Jun-16 05:33:21

Having cash and financial security was what did it for me. Now that that most overwhelming of worries has been lifted, I just seem and feel much more confident than I used to.

HicDraconis Wed 15-Jun-16 06:12:31

It gets better as you get older, definitely. Part of that is that you care less about what everyone else thinks, but also that you realise that everyone is feeling the same as you, more or less.

I took up a martial art which helped in terms of exercise, feeling good about myself and did wonders for my self esteem (it's hard to feel like you're totally useless in front of someone else when you know that you can kick their arse into next week if you want to!). Plus there are lots of messages about needing to care about yourself enough to want to defend yourself during classes which really helps.

Fake it till you make it. Look at situations and think "If I had lots of self esteem, how do I think I would approach this?" - and then go ahead and do it that way, however hard it feels at the time. The more you practise having oodles of self belief, the more you'll have.

branofthemist Wed 15-Jun-16 06:25:02

I think as you get older you just keep giving less and less of a shit until eventually you realise that you're pretty competent at most things,

this is exactly what happen to me. I stopped giving a shit.

And agree with lowering the expectations I set myself. Stopped thinking everything should be perfect.

Since then I have gone from being afraid to do any DIY incase I fucked it up, to fitting my own kitchen. Did little bits first, worked my way up. The first thing I did was paint the stairs and refused I get pissed off it wasn't perfect. Just fixed what wasn't right.

FinallyHere Wed 15-Jun-16 06:35:40

What joelle said ^

For ages, I assumed that once i was thin, self esteem would come. Now I understand that it works the other way round: treating myself well helps me feel better about myself.

Curiously I learned this mostly from http://eatingless.com

Thefitfatty Wed 15-Jun-16 06:45:49

Came with age. With learning to treat myself well and care about myself. A lot of it started when I had kids and realized I didn't want them to feel the way I did about myself.

OneArt Wed 15-Jun-16 06:56:07

To me, good self esteem doesn't mean thinking I'm gorgeous. I know I need to lose a stone or two! It's more about not really caring what other people think - not in a "oh fuck it" way but more about realising that I can only take responsibility for my own thoughts / opinions / judgements, not theirs. And smiling when I look in the mirror.

MissMargie Wed 15-Jun-16 06:57:04

Isn't low self-esteem worry over what other people think of you.

If you didn't consider what others are thinking of you would you even think about what you look like, are you good enough? etc, let alone worry about it.

For me it's the ruminating on what I did wrong, said wrong, look wrong that is the problem.
To stop it I repeat 'memememememememememem....' over and over. And put a picture of myself (as if a camera was following me around) in my mind, taking in the details of what's around me, what I'm wearing etc. Once I have an image in my head the ruminating stops.

Because other people are too engrossed in themselves to really care what you do, or look like, so it is wasted effort worrying about it.

minifingerz Wed 15-Jun-16 07:19:58

I don't look in the mirror often. Don't read women's magazines either and that also helps.

I'm not religious but I also think that if you start with a belief that each and every human being is equally precious in the eyes of the universe and let this shape your feelings towards yourself and other people, it will make you kinder and more compassionate towards yourself and other others. A good heart is worth 10x a beautiful face.

Madhairday Wed 15-Jun-16 07:36:48

I think it's a few things. Not having to be validated by what others think of you - I spent too much of my young life worrying about what others think, but came to realise that everyone else is far too concerned with their own life and often worrying what others think of them - don't try and see yourself through a faulty lens.

I believe every human person has intrinsic value (it is faith based for me but doesn't have to be), and that we are all equally precious. As I got older I relaxed into myself more and stopped worrying so much.

The other thing that stole joy and self worth was comparison. Facebook can be a shocker for that so might be worth a break from it if you regularly look at it thinking everyone else is better or more talented or more beautiful or more popular than you. Comparison is indeed the thief of joy. It's learning to be comfortable in your own skin. In who you are, not who you think society thinks you should be.

Look to your strengths - not everyone has obvious talents but everyone has good bits of character - caring, hospitable, thoughtful, would go out of their way to help others etc.

Don't let a script of negativity play in your head. It's easy to do but can be conquered. Whenever you think a negative thought about yourself, counter it with something positive.

There are ways. Perhaps finding a group to go to or sometimes counselling can help.

All the best.

I stopped reading magazines full of celebs! Seriously smile
And after a recent holiday my self esteem has gone through the roof after having a light tan and feeling so much better about myself.
I intend to fake it ( tan ) as really has made me feel better and look better.

Alwayschanging1 Wed 15-Jun-16 08:02:45

I have been faking it for 51 years, which is nearly as effective as actually having it, but not quite!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now