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To be livid that friend shouted at my child?

(340 Posts)
TinyDancer69 Sun 12-Jun-16 21:37:49

I am a single parent to my DS who is almost 4. Over the last year I have become close to my friend and her family and they have provided a huge amount of support to me. I am in the process of decorating my new house and she and her DH ave been amazing in terms of the support they have given me with painting, ripping out old carpets, tidying garden etc. Just general all-round helpful. Also very good and kind to DS who enjoys seeing them too.

I have noticed that on a few occasions if my DS misbehaves (as all toddlers do) she will tell him off even though I am right there. She's never shouted but it makes me uncomfortable. So I made a mental note that if it happens again I would say something. I hate confrontation but will not allow someone to tell off DS without my say-so.

We went to dinner with her family to celebrate a charity event they'd just completed. DS was sat next to friend and her DH and having a blast and I was relaxed and enjoying my night, knowing DS was in 'good' hands and I chatted to others at the table.

Then I heard her shout at DS to stop doing whatever it was (think he was messing around with his drink and spilling it). It startled me and was in my view out of line. I went to DS who looked taken aback and took him away from the table to 'chat' to him about incident. In fact I just wanted him away from the table and her. He calmed down,we returned to table and carried on. But I was and am fuming. I think those around the table knew I was not happy but probably thought it was due to DS misbehaving. I didn't say anything and we all went our separate ways a little while later.

But I am very unhappy but maybe I'm overreacting? If it was family, then fine. Or if DS was going to cause himself harm or someone else harm, then I would totally be ok at her telling him off.

I feel cooler towards her now but it's awkward because I feel indebted to her as she's been an otherwise great friend to me.

Any views/advice welcome!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 12-Jun-16 21:40:14

If my friend was a reasonable human being who I trusted to look after my child then of course they can tell them off.

Artandco Sun 12-Jun-16 21:41:24

I think your overreacting. It takes a village to raise a child and all that.

If my child doesn't something they shouldn't and another sees, it's perfectly fine they disapline them. I mean tell them why not, not whip them or anything

Girliefriendlikesflowers Sun 12-Jun-16 21:42:52

Well he is 4yo so not really a toddler that said I can understand why you don't like someone else telling him off.

I imagine the consensus on here will be if you disciplined your own ds then someone else wouldn't have to do it.

I have pulled my best friends children up when I feel like they have over stepped the mark and like wise my friend has done the same with my dd, its not an issue.

Clawdy Sun 12-Jun-16 21:43:22

Difficult one. It depends if you feel it is worth losing a good friend. Could you say something like "He is going through a difficult phase at the moment but I've decided to play it down, and just have quiet words with him.....could you do the same, it would be a help."

NavyAndWhite Sun 12-Jun-16 21:45:09

They sound like good friends tbh.

She was looking after your son whilst you chatted to friends.

What exactly was he doing?

EverySecondCounts Sun 12-Jun-16 21:45:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellErrr Sun 12-Jun-16 21:45:56

I don't mind my friends telling mind off. If I trust them enough to look after them etc etc.

CodyKing Sun 12-Jun-16 21:47:00

Do teachers disapline him at school?

Sometimes these things are just an automatic reaction - why wasn't DS sat by you to look after? Maybe your friend wanted a child free meal?

You can't have it both ways

wigglesrock Sun 12-Jun-16 21:47:16

I think "livid" might be pushing the point a bit. You obviously felt comfortable enough to leave your child in the company of her and her husband in the first place. You already know she had no issue with chastising your son. Tbh you can't really be complaining about it now. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my friend scolded one of my kids especially if we were all out somewhere and they were faffing about with their drink. An almost 4 year old is nowhere a toddler.

Pardonwhat Sun 12-Jun-16 21:47:30

I think yabu.
I think nothing of telling off my close friends children and she thinks nothing of telling off mine. I wouldn't be friends with her if I didn't think that she was a kind and fair person.

rainbowstardrops Sun 12-Jun-16 21:47:53

I know how you feel because I don't like other people telling my children off but your friend obviously gels close enough and comfortable enough to do so.

Unless she had a full on rage at him, telling him to stop doing something isn't unreasonable.


rainbowstardrops Sun 12-Jun-16 21:48:46

Not gels.
That doesn't even make sense confused

kiki22 Sun 12-Jun-16 21:48:56

Sorry but they seem to be doing all sorts for you including being a huge help with your son I think she has earned the right to tell him off. My son is 4 and I would expect the supervising adult to tell him off if he was spilling his drink on a table.

Look after him yourself if you don't want other people involved.

Arkwright Sun 12-Jun-16 21:49:29

If he is nearly 4 he isn't a toddler. Spilling a drink deliberately is naughty. If you weren't watching him your friend told him off as she could see. Keep your eye on him all the time if you don't want any more incidences.

NataliaOsipova Sun 12-Jun-16 21:49:55

Sounds like a case of different people having different styles. I'm generally reasonably "shouty", so sometimes that just comes out automatically. For example, I scared the living daylights out of a friend's DD the other day when she ran out of a cafe into the road. I just - instinctively - hollered at her to stop. Apologised to the child afterwards (not cross, just scared she would be run over etc) and to her mother (who was glad I'd spotted her run for it!), so (hopefully!) no harm done. Could be the same with your DS and his drink. She saw water being tipped over and maybe shouted at him to stop before it went, rather than shouting at him in anger (if you see what I mean?).

Chippednailvarnishing Sun 12-Jun-16 21:50:27

He's not a toddler and if you're not going to stop his behaviour that is deemed unacceptable when out with your friend and her family, then she will.
If you don't like it then supervise your DS yourself.

gasman Sun 12-Jun-16 21:50:29

Just tell her. No drama you want to do the discipline.

Personally (I'm often the friend I'm this situation) I think it is easier for me to just quietly say to children. "Stop doing that" and the matter ends but if the parents want me to tell them so they can intervene I do although Inthink it often escalates what could be quite a minor thing eg. Playing with something they have been told to leave alone.

Also makes me feel like a child telling tales but that is my issue.

Sirzy Sun 12-Jun-16 21:51:03

So what should she have done? Ignored and let him spill the drink everywhere?

RumAppleGinger Sun 12-Jun-16 21:51:08

What do you mean by shouted? If she screamed in his face then no I don't think you are being unreasonable. If she used a stern voice to tell him off for doing something he should be doing then sorry but in my opinion YABU.

In your OP you say he was "in good hands" that means trusting those hands to dish out discipline when required as well as trusting them to entertain and keep him safe.

guiltynetter Sun 12-Jun-16 21:52:48

I think you're over reacting. if you weren't supervising him closely enough to realise he was messing about with his drink and spilling it, what was she meant to do, let him get on with it? also I think it depend what she did - shouting and really losing her rag then yes definitely id be livid. but just raising voice slightly and telling him off that would be okay with me.

PaulAnkaTheDog Sun 12-Jun-16 21:52:55

He's not a toddler. Pfb a bit?

LittleMissBossyBoots Sun 12-Jun-16 21:52:56

Yes YABU. If you don't want your friend to tell him off don't sit him with them, keep him next to you. My 3 year old DS is a little bugger, if my friend and her husband had him sat with them I'd be nominating them for sainthood not getting huffy with them.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 12-Jun-16 21:53:41

'If ds misbehaves (as all toddlers do)'

I can't get past this line. It's my pet hate on mn.

They really really don't. Some nearly 4 year olds misbehave, lots don't.

KittyVonCatsington Sun 12-Jun-16 21:54:01

Your DS is almost 4-most definitely not a toddler anymore!

I don't know-you are quite happy to have your friend and her DH help you out around the house, doing favours and trust them to watch him at social occasions whilst you have a good time elsewhere, yet don't want them to tell him not to do something naughty. confused
On balance, YABVU and I wouldn't be upset or angry but grateful that they were keeping such a good eye on my child and helping me out whenever I needed it. I don't think they have overstepped the mark at all and I find it strange in your thread title you say they shouted at your DS but in your OP, you then say they didn't shout, so I don't think they are being disproportionate in their actions.

If trust them enough to watch over your son for you, you should also trust their judgement in telling him to stop something as well. You can't have it both ways. I fear.

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