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To think you don't walk over a grave?

(83 Posts)
memememe94 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:28:35

My DBrother died 12 years ago today, aged only 26. My parents have never recovered from it.

DM rang me tonight very upset because while she was at his grave today, another woman visiting the grave next to her (who was chatting to my Mum while tidying the grave) walked straight over my brother's grave twice in front of my Mum.

I've always thought it's wrong to walk over any grave and have always walked around--never mind doing it in front of someone. AIB old-fashioned, or was this women incredibly rude?

Nannawifeofbaldr Sun 12-Jun-16 19:30:14

No, you are right, the woman was rude.

I'm sorry your Mum was upset.

Sparklingbrook Sun 12-Jun-16 19:30:35

You do not walk on a grave. Everybody knows that-it is very disrespectful. Your poor Mum. sad

Coconutty Sun 12-Jun-16 19:31:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treaclesoda Sun 12-Jun-16 19:31:32

You're right, it's very disrespectful.

Did your mother say anything to the woman?

Nodney Sun 12-Jun-16 19:31:32

You and your mum are right. Horrible flowers

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Sun 12-Jun-16 19:31:45

I'd never walk or stand on a grave. To the point that I end up in all shapes trying to weed our triple (family) plot. It seems incredibly disrespectful.

Fibbertigibbet Sun 12-Jun-16 19:31:52

Your poor mum! It's definitely respectful to avoid walking over a grave. I'm sorry this has upset your mum so much on what is a difficult day for you all. flowers

originalmavis Sun 12-Jun-16 19:32:30

I never do if I can help it and certainly never over a recent one.

Even if I have to step over an ancient one I apologise to the deceased.

It's disrespectful.

DramaAlpaca Sun 12-Jun-16 19:32:35

What a disrespectful thing to do.

ElspethFlashman Sun 12-Jun-16 19:33:22

It's very rude. Who does that???

Also bloody dangerous. Those things can sink underneath you especially when it's been many years.

SabineUndine Sun 12-Jun-16 19:33:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:34:57

It's really disrespectful. sad The graves in the cemetery where my sister is buried are really close together, but as NeedMoreSleep said you just tip toe and stretch over rather than tread on a grave.

cedricsneer Sun 12-Jun-16 19:35:04

I'm very blushto say I didn't know this. It's only on thinking that I have realised the grave would be leading away from the headstone. I would be mortified if I unwittingly did this and upset someone. I'm sure the woman didn't do it on purpose and a gentle word will ensure it doesn't happen again.

expatinscotland Sun 12-Jun-16 19:36:35

Hmm, I'm not much bothered, tbh, as long as it's not vandalising or being disrespectful. My daughter died nearly 4 years ago, she was only 9, and nothing will bring her back. We have a picnic at her resting place on her birthday every year. We sit on her grave on a picnic blanket and have cake.

She has two younger siblings, one of whom has autism. One year, they were chasing each other and ran right over the whole row of those resting there. I told them off, but the widower of the lady resting next her said, oh, no, that his wife loved her children and grandchildren, she would not mind and she was not there, anyhow, her soul was in heaven.

My child rests quite far from where we live, yet we live in an area with many ancient burial places and I go through them often enough. The graves are too many to avoid walking over some.

Recently, the site two down from her had another occupant, the wife of the man who preceded her in death. It's likely mourners may have been on top of my daughter's grave. But it doesn't much bother me as long as no one was disrespectful.

KitKatCustard Sun 12-Jun-16 19:37:23

Particularly disrespectful to do it while your mum was there. I'm sorry she was upset and hope she's feeling better.

expatinscotland Sun 12-Jun-16 19:38:21

FWIW, you never 'recover' from losing a child.

memememe94 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:39:25

Thanks for the replies. My Mum said she was so shocked she just looked at her. Now she's a bit worried about going down there in case the woman is there again. This woman was very chatty and wouldn't be quiet, whereas my Mum just wanted to be left in peace. Not unreasonable, I think.

PovertyPain Sun 12-Jun-16 19:39:58

That's what I really hate about modern graveyards. We are no longer permitted to put surrounds around graves and this seems to have given people the impression that it's ok to walk over graves. When I go to visit my dear husband I'm repeatedly shocked by people's lack of respect. Walking over graves, letting kids treat the graveyard as a playground, using their scooters and screaming their heads off. I had a discussion with a lady I meet regularly at the graveyard and was wondering how all the stones, that are in a small patch in front of the graves, were all over the grass. Her friend, in a very matter of fact manner, told me the kids do it, but sure they're only young. The kids include her grandson. I told her I found it very disrespectful and she felt I was over reacting. angry So sorry about your brother. flowers

KitKatCustard Sun 12-Jun-16 19:40:10

I didn't mean "feeling better" from losing a child, I meant from the experience of the woman walking over her son's grave. I've lost a grandchild. I have some understanding.

NavyAndWhite Sun 12-Jun-16 19:40:39

Your poor mum.

Do you think the other lady didn't realise as she was talking? I'm sure she'd be horrified if she knew it had upset your mum.

memememe94 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:42:00

expat FWIW, I don't know why you needed to add that.

expatinscotland Sun 12-Jun-16 19:45:47

Because a lot of people think you do, meme. They think you do with the passage of time.

'Walking over graves, letting kids treat the graveyard as a playground, using their scooters and screaming their heads off.'

Please, please, if you can, make people aware how dangerous this can be. Stones can be unstable and last year, a child was killed in Glasgow playing in a cemetery. sad Or report it to the council so notices can be put up.

Rules can vary by place but council run cemeteries can be very packed in, particularly in area where cremated remains are interred.

memememe94 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:46:49

As a bit of extra info, there was plenty of space for her get around as my brother's grave is at the end of the row and there are 4 plots empty (for us) so it's not like it's hard to walk around. It's a small village cemetery.

Owlytellsmesecrets Sun 12-Jun-16 19:47:41

I think it is terribly disrespectful too. My severely autistic son is the only person that that crawls all over my mums grave. He loves all the trinkets.
He was the apple of her eye though and I can hear her say "leave him alone, he's fine!"

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