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Friends going out with exes - etiquette??

(163 Posts)
PrivatePike Sun 12-Jun-16 09:11:20

This is boring, sorry. I just wanted to know what people's thoughts were on the following situation *all names changed. (Pause while I think up names.)

So, Katie and Joe have been going out for 4 years, most of the time through university - their relationship is slightly off and on. They also both attend the same church, and have the same friendship group there. Alison is in this group, and lives with Katie for a year - they spend a lot of time together, along with the other flatmate.
Finally, Joe and Katie split up for good at Katie's instigation - when Alison is living with her. Around 3 or 4 months later, Alison starts going out with Joe. Katie is devestated and moves out. She also stops seeing the other flatmate.
Is anyone being unreasonable here, or is it all childish, or what?

Lighteningirll Sun 12-Jun-16 09:14:20

That friendship is dead Alison has chosen a relationship over her friendship sometimes this is a good thing sometimes it isn't either way Katie is better off without her. Are you Katie, Alison or Jo?

UmbongoUnchained Sun 12-Jun-16 09:17:14

Where I am it's a definite no no!

Cabrinha Sun 12-Jun-16 09:18:13

It's not surprising if friends are attracted to / attract the same people. Friends will have things in common, and probably similar lifestyles and values - hence pairing up with the same people.

There is an absolute rule that you can't date a mate's ex, until they are split up for 7 days, if you are 15.

Otherwuse - no overlap, no big deal.

Not unreasonable for Katie to have mixed feelings. Totally uneeasonsble to act on them.

Katie needs to grow up.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 12-Jun-16 09:20:22

I would say the friendship is over - Alison prefers joe to Kate.

TeenAndTween Sun 12-Jun-16 09:20:34

The only person who is the teensiest slightest bit unreasonable is Katie in my view. (Unless Alison was the cause of the break up of Katie and Joe).
Katie has no claims over Joe 4 months after she chose to break up with him.

crje Sun 12-Jun-16 09:21:46

I'm on team Alison wink

branofthemist Sun 12-Jun-16 09:22:15

I can see why Katie is upset. But really it's a bit unreasonable. I would feel odd about it and may not want to hang out with them as it would feel odd.

However she finished the relationship and has no say over what 2 adults do.

WhisperingLoudly Sun 12-Jun-16 09:22:32

I could t stay close friends with someone who was dating my ex. Just too close to home.

Katie is not being unreasonable for being upset and Alison is not necessarily unreasonable for going out with Jo (although a bit icky for me!) but needs to expect that Katie will no longer want to be friends.

ilovesooty Sun 12-Jun-16 09:26:09

Katie is being absolutely ridiculous.
She instigated the break up.
Joe is not a commodity or possession.
Alison has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Katie has the right to withdraw her friendship but she's being immature and unreasonable.

WhatamessIgotinto Sun 12-Jun-16 09:26:57

Hmmm this is a tricky one. Of course no one has any 'claim' on someone else and they Alison and Joe can do what they like but, it my view, it's just one of those things you don't do. It's a no from me.

Maroonie Sun 12-Jun-16 09:28:00

to me it depends on how the relationship ended.
If I was Katie and I broke up wth Joe because he was awful I would find it hard to stay friends with Alison.
Also if she had confided in Alison about relationship problems only to find out Alison had feelings for him She would probably feel a bit betrayed.
It doesn't sound like anyone has done anything particularly wrong but I know that I would struggle to continue the friendship in those circumstances and it would make it difficult for Katie to move on if her ex and his new relationship remain a big part of her life
And I really don't think I could go out with someone who had previously had sex with my best friend, I know everyone has a past but when their past is your best mate it seems and a bit yucky and odd to me.

DoloresVanCartier Sun 12-Jun-16 09:31:43

I'm team
Katie here. My best friend of 25 years was having an affair for two years with my then DP. I am NC with both of them. I will never get over the betrayal. I know there wasn't an affair here, but you tell your BF things about your relationship and you also confide in them. You also tell your DP things, it's so hard not to think that these confidences are being spoken about in a new relationship. My mantra has always been "you can go out with and ex's friend but never a friends ex"

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 12-Jun-16 09:37:42

I don't know. Alison and Joe can date whoever they want but I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a friend's ex - especially if I'd lived with that friend!

I can see why Katie is upset but at the end of the day, she has no say over who her friends/ex's date.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 12-Jun-16 09:48:49

I'd say that Alison is a desperate sort of woman. Not one I'd be friends with and none of my friends would date my ex boyfriends - nor would I theirs. It's just not something that friends do.

I know it's a polarised subject and there will be posters saying "Oh but you can't hold on to somebody forever..." blah blah. If you're a friend then an ex of your friend would never be on your radar. Only certain sorts of women would. Urgh.

7DaysAWeekWorker Sun 12-Jun-16 09:50:58

7 billion in this world and these humans behave like cats and dogs. Hilarious

7DaysAWeekWorker Sun 12-Jun-16 09:51:17

Neanderthals seems more appropriate.

Whocansay Sun 12-Jun-16 09:52:54

It shouldn't matter, but it does. It shows a complete lack of respect. Katie would see that as a betrayal. Katie is better off without Alison. You don't do that to your friends.

PrivatePike Sun 12-Jun-16 09:53:43

I think the church has something to do with it - that sounds sinister hmm But it can be a bit insular, people tend to date within it. It's a big city one, but still.

bakeoffcake Sun 12-Jun-16 09:56:58

Alison and Joe don't give a fig about Katie. I feel very sorry girl her and dint blame her for moving out.

KissMyArse Sun 12-Jun-16 09:57:28

If Joe had instigated the split then I'd understand Katie's attitude to the situation. As she was the one to end the relationship I think shes being a bit precious about it. "I don't want him but my friends can't have him either". Sound rather controlling to me.

Does Katie suspect that Joe and Alison were up to something before the relationship ended?

Does Katie still have romantic feelings for him and was hoping that the 'on-off' relationship would become 'on' again?

Trills Sun 12-Jun-16 09:57:43

Lots of people who dated for much of university split up shortly afterwards - you're often not the same person at 22 as you are at 18.

If the split was simply them growing apart, then I can see why Katie might feel uncomfortable, but she is not justified in feeling angry or betrayed.

If the split was based on bad behaviour on one of their parts then things could be more complicated.

ZaZathecat Sun 12-Jun-16 10:01:33

When I broke up with my dh I would have been very surprised but happy for them if a friend of mine wanted to date him. If you don't want to be with the person, why would you mind your friend being with them. Team Alison.

PrivatePike Sun 12-Jun-16 10:14:28

Just to be clear, I'm a mutual friend and quite confused as to what to do. I have heard quite a lot of people voicing irritation at Katie, and have seen Alison and Joe together and they seem happy. But I feel sorry for Katie, it doesn't sit right with me. Ah well.

Trills Sun 12-Jun-16 10:16:54

I feel sorry for Katie too.

I understand why she is upset.

I just don't agree that anyone is doing anything wrong.

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