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To think DH and his sister should clear out his mums home

(65 Posts)
Notthinkingclearly Sun 12-Jun-16 08:30:34

DH's mum had severe dementia and general failing health. She has been in a home for the last year and there is no way she will ever come home. Her 3 bed house is empty and I have suggested a couple of times that they should think about clearing out his mums house and perhaps renting it but my DH is horrified and thinks I am being vey insensitive and it won't be done until she dies.Aibu? At the moment her care is being paid for by the council but I think this is due to stop so any money that she has will soon be swallowed up. Renting the property for the last year would have helped with the cost of the home. My DH and his sister always like to talk in private about these matters and make a point if excluding me. Am I being a cow?

HalgoenHeater Sun 12-Jun-16 08:33:11

I think it's up to them and now that you've voiced your thoughts you should keep your nose out.

timelytess Sun 12-Jun-16 08:35:30

Their mum, not yours.
Are you sure how the funding for her care really works? I'd check on that and give the information to your husband when he shows an interest.

Fairylea Sun 12-Jun-16 08:36:29

I think you have a good point and it makes logical sense but emotions are difficult things and you dh and sil are probably struggling to come to terms with their mum being so ill. You have to take a step back and let them deal with things.

Notthinkingclearly Sun 12-Jun-16 08:37:35

Thanks Halogen, its good to get another prospective. I will not mention again!

ohnoppp Sun 12-Jun-16 08:37:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Billyray23 Sun 12-Jun-16 08:39:42

There is no way her care is being funded by the council if she has a property.

It sounds like your dp and ds is hiding something if they talk in private. Could they be paying?

OohMavis Sun 12-Jun-16 08:40:51

Yanbu to think it. But they're NBU to think it's inappropriate. She's their mum.

Notthinkingclearly Sun 12-Jun-16 08:43:30

No I am confident it is paid for by council at the moment as It's for life limited patients but it has to be reviewed every three months.

PeaceOfWildThings Sun 12-Jun-16 08:43:35

It's too soon. Does one of them have power of attorney over her financial affairs? If not, they are not legally in a position to interfere with her posessions.

branofthemist Sun 12-Jun-16 08:43:47

My Grandads care is funded by the council even though he owns a home.

He went to hospital and they decided he couldn't go home and was held (I believe under the mental health act) and then put in a home.

They have cleared and sold his house and it's in his account.

I think you have mentioned it. Now you should leave it. It's really up to them.

LIZS Sun 12-Jun-16 08:43:52

If they can afford the care home without renting or selling fair enough, but the council won't be paying the full cost if at all (although I think for specialist care they might contribute regardless of income) . However it sounds as if they are deferring the inevitable. Do they have POA as it could be tricky to arrange anything legally without.

SoupDragon Sun 12-Jun-16 08:43:54

I think you are right it unfortunately it's not your decision to make.

Is the house being maintained in the meantime?

SoupDragon Sun 12-Jun-16 08:44:11

But unfortunately...

Notthinkingclearly Sun 12-Jun-16 08:46:07

Yes they have poa. I think I will just have to respect their decision.

TendonQueen Sun 12-Jun-16 08:46:41

It is OP's business if this affects her joint finances with her partner.

Needmoresleep Sun 12-Jun-16 08:46:54

Two things. I think the council can force a sale to pay for care costs. Getting it cleared and ready for rental would first increase its value (old people's homes don't present well) and rent would provide an income that might prevent the sale and preserve any inheritance.

Second your DH and sister should add their contact details to land registry records. You are allowed three and the website shows you how to do it. Rare, but there is a form of fraud whereby crooks remortgage empty homes leaving the owner with the debt. Plus some Councils, mainly London, might compulsory purchase an empty home - they have the powers to do so.

Pearlman Sun 12-Jun-16 08:53:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stonecircle Sun 12-Jun-16 08:56:39

Dsis and I sold our mum's house once she had been in a care home with severe dementia for a few months and it was obvious she wasn't coming out.

But we were able to do that because we had power of attorney.

We discussed the matter openly with our husbands but they were both firmly of the view that the decision was mine and dsis's and they would support us in whatever we decided.

So while you may have views I don't think you should express them unless a) invited or b) if it turns out your DH is contributing financially to the cost of his mum's care.

MatildaTheCat Sun 12-Jun-16 08:59:16

On the face of it I agree with you. However, clearing out or throwing away, more likely, the lifetime possessions of someone still alive is a very hard thing to do.

If you start to be asked for money towards fees then renting or selling might become more imperative.

TBH you sound lucky to have had no bills so far. Just goes to show how unequal the funding for care is in this country. sad To be clear on that, i am pleased for you.

GnomeDePlume Sun 12-Jun-16 09:00:20

Is it possible that your DH and his DSis dont know where to start? If the property has been left untouched has it been mothballed in anyway? Water turned off, heating on frost guard etc? Have buildings insurers been told that it is standing empty?

We are in a similar position except that fortunately DH and his DBs faced facts quickly and realised that holding onto the property was likely to become a burden on them.

Clearing the house was cathartic for them. It was something practical they could do.

MatildaTheCat Sun 12-Jun-16 09:03:15

Sorry, a couple of extra thoughts:

1. Houses take time to prepare and sell. My friend was in your exact position and did sell her dads house. Even so, probable has been so slow that even after a year she still does not have her inheritance.

2. Houses do not do well unoccupied for long periods. You could be storing up major problems, and certainly bills by keeping it empty. Plus the work involved with maintaining it and checking it and any gardening.

On those two points I feel it makes more sense to sell.

PirateFairy45 Sun 12-Jun-16 09:06:05

Keep your nose out. It isn't your choice.

squiggleirl Sun 12-Jun-16 09:11:27

I agree you're being very insensitive. This is his mother and her home. If the situation arises whereby it has the potential to impact your finances, then you do need to have a conversation but do it more tactfully than Renting the property for the last year would have helped with the cost of the home.

7to25 Sun 12-Jun-16 09:11:46

Even if they do nothing, surely it is sensible to clear all valuables and jewellery, important paperwork and sentimental items in case of burglary.
An empty house must be at risk and also not insured.

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