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To think ex should stick to contact when dd is ill

(19 Posts)
Unpropergrammer Sun 12-Jun-16 01:29:03

Currently my ex-h has my dd(4) every other weekend. On two occasions in the last six months, including this weekend, dd has become ill at her dads and both times he's brought her home out of the blue and refused to have her for the rest of the weekend.

Aibu to think he should keep her for the whole weekend as planned?

VimFuego101 Sun 12-Jun-16 01:31:54

What was she sick with? If she was really ill she might just want to be home in bed. Anything else, ex should handle.

fatmomma99 Sun 12-Jun-16 01:32:30

where does she want to be?

Where do you want her to be?

But he's an arse!

Unpropergrammer Sun 12-Jun-16 01:34:26

First time she was complaining of earache but a bit of calpol and a 50 minute nap and she was pretty much fine.

This weekend she threw up once and has a temperature. She hasn't thrown up here and she ate about half her tea and watched some paw patrol before going to bed.

FuzzyOwl Sun 12-Jun-16 01:37:19

Does she want to be with you when she is ill though? I understand that it is annoying if you have plans for the weekend and feel that he isn't doing his share but if she is poorly, I think her requirements should come first and maybe she wants her own room and mum.

Unpropergrammer Sun 12-Jun-16 01:38:49

Obviously there's a part of me that wants her here because I'm her mum and I feel like I can look after her best.

At the same time I feel like her dad should be able to look after her too. I also had plans tonight which had to be cancelled last minute because he literally turned up on my doorstep with her.

When I asked her if she had wanted to come home she said 'I don't know'.

228agreenend Sun 12-Jun-16 01:39:26

I think dd's needs come first. Did she ask to come home? If so, that's where she should be. When you are poorly, sometimes you just want the comfort of your own bed and/or your mum. She's only four!

Unpropergrammer Sun 12-Jun-16 01:44:20

I don't think she does. I think my ex just doesn't want to deal with a sick child.

Part of the reason why I'm feeling that ways is because he is the kinda dad who always has to be the fun jokey parent. The other part is because she wasn't overly clingy to me when she got here like she is when she is really really unwell.

Oswin Sun 12-Jun-16 01:50:13

Unless she was asking to come home he should bloody well keep her.
This attitude of bringing sending I'll kids back to the rps house just adds to the view that the rp is the "real" parent!

LaBelleOtero Sun 12-Jun-16 02:09:22

It's a tricky one. The other side of the coin is when fathers insist on having their contact even when their sick kids are distressed and want to stay with their mothers.

One thing he should definitely do is contact you. He has no right to appear on your doorstep and expect you to drop your plans.

Had she definitely been sick? I'm just wondering if he knew you had plans and might have wanted to ensure you had to stay home?

oblada Sun 12-Jun-16 07:41:39

Oh my God! He is her dad he should definitely keep her!!! Quite appalled by some the responses here clearly fed by social stereotypes! Yes he is a 'live-out' parent so it may not be easy to deal with a sick child but I think it is important he learns to, because it's only fair for mum (she is a single parent the rest of the time! She needs a bit of me-time) and also because it's the best for the child: she needs to know her dad can take care of her too! What is that behaviour teaching her?? Dad only wants to be with her when everything is well and good? She is 4, not 1 or 2. If my kids are sick atm it'll be DH taking time off to look after them because it's much more practical for him, they're 5 and 2. Also kids often whinge for the other parent when they're annoyed or upset, both parents should be able to deal with that on their own (bar exceptional circumstances)

OiWithThePoodlesAlready Sun 12-Jun-16 07:46:22

I'm this situation my dd's dad has kept her. We have been separated since she was very young though so he is used to doing everything that comes with being a parent. There is nothing I do that he cannot.

However...if she is ill I just want her with me! That is entirely selfish though and just because I'm a massive worrier.

branofthemist Sun 12-Jun-16 07:47:12

Yanbu. He should be knowing her unless she has asked to come home.

Her response of 'I don't know' sounds like she isn't sure what the right thing is to say.

throwingpebbles Sun 12-Jun-16 07:52:00

Yanbu. It's the whole "default" parent thing.

My ex does the same.

He also has several times this year booked flights and then just told me I will need to have the kids when he normally would.

(I love having the kids, but plan my work meetings around when he is meant to have them!!)

2rebecca Sun 12-Jun-16 09:07:18

Both parents should be able to look after an ill child. That's part of parenting. We notified each other if the kids were ill but for minor illnesses like earache/ tonsillitis the parent the child was with was expected to sort out paracetamol ibuprofen and letting them sleep, with trips to a GP/OOH centre as required.

Kariana Sun 12-Jun-16 09:19:45

There was a thread recently where a mother with a huge phobia of sick plus MH issues sent her sick child back to her dad's (dad was main carer). She got ripped to shreds by posters on here. I have no idea why this is any different and people aren't saying this is disgraceful behaviour. It's sad to see such double standards and gender stereotyping. That poor mother from the other thread!

DetestableHerytike Sun 12-Jun-16 09:28:50

Your ex is being unreasonable.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead Sun 12-Jun-16 09:46:11


Minor childhood illnesses should be dealt with by whichever parent she is with

Sending her home every time reinforces that he can't cope so if she is ill she's more likely to want to go home to mum, so he can feel that he's just doing what she wants.

Any parent dragging their ill child out for fun contact Disney parent activities is shit. But why not let them sit on your couch with s blanket and calpol and a movie for some cuddles?

tinyterrors Sun 12-Jun-16 14:28:28

It depends on what the child wants. We've had dsd here when she's come down with earache and she's wanted to go back to her mum despite dh doing everything her mum would do. She'd get more and more hysterical because she wants her mum so the only thing dh could do was take her home or have her crying herself sick. Dsd was usually fine after painkillers and sleep once she was with her mum but was desperate to go 'home'.

Other times she's been unwell and had some painkillers and gone to sleep/laid I'm bed watching tele and been fine here.

Yes the nrp should be able to look after their sick child but it's not fair to let a young child get hysterical wanting their mum and refusing to take them home because it's 'daddy's weekened'. A child wanting to 'go home' when they're ill (even when it's minor) is completely different to the same child wanting to go home because they've been told they can't have/do something when with their dad.

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