Wedding one: Absolutely not bridezilla - completely my fault. Arrgh!

[fatmomma99]

I'm in my mid 40s. My Maid of Honour from my wedding is getting married for the first time in July (not through lack of offers I should say, as she's gorgeous!)

I'm sooo happy for my friend. But my friend lives abroad, so I see her never. My DH finds her a bit hippy-dippy (she is a bit. Part of her charm!). My DD has almost NO idea who she is.

My friend is the anti-bridezilla. she is paranoid about fuss, bother, putting people out. But she's also very, very happy and very, very excited. She has emailed me asking 3 times if DD wants to come and offering 'outs' if she doesn't. I have reassured her every time that DD will be there. The meal after is in one of the most expensive restaurants in the place where we live, which isn't cheap anyway because it's a tourist place (and the venue is famous, so add on the £££££s). Guests have not been asked for a penny and bride and groom are paying for us to get there from the church.

I told bride I wouldn't pull child out of school,but she'd join us afterwards.

Wedding it at 2pm in a Catholic church (so, not expecting it to be a short ceremony!).

DDs school finishes at 3.

DD is entered into a competition for an extra-curricular activity which is the most important thing in her life (she talks about it ALL THE TIME). She has been practising for it since September. There are 2 competitions, and she already can't go to 1 of them because we double booked (and paid for a lovely thing for her, which she will adore and is excited about, but is gutted to be missing one of the two competitions).

There is a rehearsal after school on the day of the wedding, very close to the competition which DD doesn't want to miss. If she goes she won't leave school at 3, she'll leave at around 6.

My friend doesn't have much money, but is paying for an expensive meal without a qualm.

My DD doesn't think this is important because she doesn't know this friend very well.

Although my friend hasn't seen DD very often (because she lives abroad) she is VERY interested in her and caring about her.

What should I do? How should I phrase what I do do the people involved?
"sorry, DD, this friend is very important to me, you'll have to miss your rehearsal"?
"bride, I'm sorry, DD has a commitment, can I pay for her meal?"

Also, the wedding will go on til around midnight, and DD will need to eat after her practice (if she goes), and DH and I will be THERE, although DH only there to support me.

Arrrgh! Please help me, MN!

[fatmomma99]

sorry, should say - wedding to be held in mine (and bride's) home town as her soon-to-be DH has connections here.

(I wasn't thinking of flying DD to another country on her own after school!)

[Orchidflower1]

Hi how old is dd? Could she ( after you have mentioned it to friend) write a note/ email saying thanks for the invitation but explain situation. Who will look after dd? Could they bring her for an hour to " show her face" don't know how practicsl that is?

[BackforGood]

tbh, I wouldn't have agreed to take her in the first place - just gone and had a lovely day with my old friend that rest of the family don't have a connection with.

[BeautifulMaudOHara]

Dd should do her thing, you should arrange for her to be collected by someone if possible, sounds as if your friend will understand - everyone's happy

[OwlinaTree]

Tell bride dd won't be at wedding, and to cancel her meal. Apologise and explain she is double booked.

Could dd stay with a friend possibly that night if it's fairly local to you? Failing that you could fetch her at 6 and get her a takeaway on the way back to the wedding if she's too late to eat with you.

[LilacInn]

I agree with BackForGoid.

This should be a non-issue. Your daughter doesn't know the bride AND has another important commitment the day of the wedding. No brainer.

[fatmomma99]

You're not wrong backforgood, but I can't go back and re-write history. My friend was SO excited and really wanted all of my family to come because she doesn't want living abroad to be a barrier to how we'd be if she was here (if you SWIM), so I said to DH "can you take a day off, no prob if you can't" and told DD (14, btw) that she had to come.

It's hard to explain on the internet, but she's SO excited and it means something to her if not just I come, but my DH and DD too, because to her it means she's part of all our lives, even though she's abroad. Sorry if that doesn't make much sense, and thank you for replying.

[fatmomma99]

x-post (and thank you all for commenting). Ok, you're unanimous - I let friend down (who - you're right - won't care on the day in any case) and DD does her practice and between us we deal with feeding DD and either her coming later or else staying with a friend. All of it do-able.

Just feel a bit crap because it's a lovely restaurant and very expensive and friend will be paying for DD's meal which she won't be there for and I know friend doesn't have much money, but they're being very generous with their wedding day and offered her an out before they paid for it. This is all totally my fault!

[DetestableHerytike]

Can you rearrange the thing that clashes with the other competition? Even if this costs money?

[DetestableHerytike]

At 14, can she come by cab to the venue post rehearsal? They may be able to keep a meal aside for her.

[fatmomma99]

No, she's going to a music festival without us but a guest of another family. It's all very cool and she's thrilled to bits about it, but gutted it means missing the second competition (although less gutted when she remembers ITS A MUSIC FESTIVAL). Her life is just too good.

Personally I'd send her up chimneys for the income, but parenting has (unfortunately) moved on!

[fatmomma99]

THAT'S a thought, Detestable second post. I can go with that.

Won't need a cab, it's not far from school and she has a bike. She'd HATE the sit down meal, but would love the food and be starving.

Doesn't let anyone down. Win, win, win.

Thank you!!!!

MN is amazing!

[DetestableHerytike]

What time will the meal actually start? With a 2pn wedding, will there be photos and drinks between ceremony and meal? Dd might not be that late!

[fatmomma99]

the invitation didn't say, and been mentally composing the email to bride to ask about the itinerary (she works shifts, so not easy to just phone).

I'm guessing hour - hour and a half for the wedding. (3:30). forgot about photos. Another hour? Venue 1/2 hour away.

you're right... DD won't be too late (shame she'll be in PE kit at a wedding, but hey!)

[DetestableHerytike]

That's why I thought a cab so she could change at school and arrive in style!

[trafalgargal]

Weddings are always a bit of a little bit of talking to everyone and few decent conversations -so as the bride is presumably in town before the wedding for a few days - could you arrange some time for you and DD (and OH too possibly) to do something with her.....perhaps if it's just you girls a spa afternoon-that way she'd get to meet your DD and you could all enjoy some quality time together ? That would more than make up for DD missing the ceremony too.

[holidaysarenice]

Check the time of the meal!! It's probably not until six!
Dd could miss the last half hour of rehearsals and get there?

[PumpkinPies38]

As its only a rehearsal and your DD won't miss the competition PLUS you've told your friend three times your daughter is going there's no doubt in my mind your DD should go to the wedding.

[Liiinooo]

It is an unavoidable fact of life that once DCs reach a certain age we cannot make commitments for them anymore than our parents can for us. And that's a good thing - we want them to grow up and develop their own social circle and passions and 14 sounds the right time for it to start happening.

Email the bride right away - let her know that DD has a prior commitment and is very sorry she can't be with you all. Don't start going into the detail and itinerary. As DD isn't that bothered about attending that's just wasting the bride's time. GIve her a firm 'no' now so she can alter the booking or substitute another guest.

[MassDebate]

Bride may not have had to fix numbers with the restaurant yet - I'd tell her asap as she may not have to pay for your DD. She's likely to understand, and if you make the effort for DD to attend later in the day it will show that you acknowledge the importance of her being there for your friend imo. Do offer to pay for your DD if there's a cost implication of her pulling out though - it's basic good manners and your friend doesn't have to accept.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Could you contact the venue directly to enquire about what time the meal is likely to be and what might be possible so you don't need to bother the bride at this stage. They may be willing to hold some clothes for your dd to change into at reception too.

[blueturtle6]

Find meal time and leave rehearsal slightly early? Or arrange a special day to catch up with bride/groom and your family another day?

[eddielizzard]

take wedding outfit to school with her. arrange taxi to bring her to wedding and she can change at school or at wedding venue.

tell your friend how bad you feel that she has this other commitment and you've screwed up. ask about timings and if she is going to miss meal then you want to reimburse for it.

these things do happen.