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To think if i call social services ...

(199 Posts)
IsThisForTheBest Sat 11-Jun-16 21:25:51

Then they will support someone in need rather than remove their child?

I ve name changed for this as this is going to be very identifying.

Last week me and dh went to bil house and we got a shock!

Bil has learning difficulties and a brain injury (water on the brain as a baby and has had over 20 operations on his brain)

He has sole custody of his pre teenage son (mother estranded from them)

We have always know his house to be filthy. Dh and his brother was brought up like that and his brother thinks his house is clean. Last week im sure it was worse!

I wouldnt even go to the toilet there or have a brew and i didnt even want to lean back on the sofa! I refuse to take my dd there as he is a heavy smoker too.

He has always been volatile and has behavioural issues. He has an obsession with calling people cunts, twats, faggots etc.

He is forcing his child to call people a faggot in the street etc.

His son has no social skills and has poor speech.

His son has gained approx 2 stone in weight in the last year and when we saw him last week he was very clearly very over weight. He had always been very very slim.

He openly admits to allowing his son to buy big bags of crisps every day after school and only drink cola. No water or anything else.

He doesnt have a social worker. Last week when dh went to the shop with bil, bil was shouting to people in the street calling them a MILF.

He is extremerly vulnerable with money and will offer his bank card out to his neighbours so they can use it!

He has been taken advantage of a few times.

When he was driving he used to drive very irratic around the street and used to think it was funny.

He has since had his licence revoked due to health reasons but did mention he may be getting it back.

I think bil could do with some support (we are 2.5hours away) and im thinking if social services pay him a visit they could put some support in place for him, maybe send him on some courses etc and assign him a social worker.

Dh has gone mad at this idea as he feels ss will just take his son away and he doesnt want that on his conscience. He feels that any stress towards his brother will result in him needing brain surgery again (this does tend to happen when he is under enormous pressure ) and he doesnt want to be responsible for that.

I dont think its wise dh speak to him about the way he behaves and the state of the house as he will be very defensive and volatile towards dh and he just wouldnt get anywhere with him.

Aibu to think he needs social services help and they will give him support rather than take his son away from him?

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Sat 11-Jun-16 21:29:21

I'm suprised he has custody as he is clearly not able to look after him.

Your husband is being an idiot. Your poor nephew needs help, what kind of person is he going to grow up to be.

HighwayDragon1 Sat 11-Jun-16 21:29:58

Call them, now

ErNope Sat 11-Jun-16 21:30:10

Social services try to offer support and help BEFORE removing a child. It takes money, time and a LOT of upheaval for all concerned to remove a child from their home. It is not done lightly. Please don't think otherwise! SS can be very scary to deal with, I've no children but ended up having to take on custody, then later shared custody of my nephew after my (very ill) sister tried to kill herself in front of him and his sister (Niece went to live with her dad, nephews dad was not on the scene), So as you can imagine I dealt with SS a fair bit and honestly they aren't half as bad as people make them out to be/fear they are

IsThisForTheBest Sat 11-Jun-16 21:31:11

The boys mum left. There has been no court involement or anything.

Dh seems to think that ss wont be interested as alot of people live like that were they live.

ErNope Sat 11-Jun-16 21:32:42

SS would definitely be concerned about a child with such poor nutrition/health, a father that behaves like his does and a house so filthy you won't drink in it or sit on the sofa.

daftbesom Sat 11-Jun-16 21:34:37

Your BiL sounds very vulnerable. FWIW, I would call Social Services. If the child's interests can be respected and protected by keeping them together then that is what SS will do.

minifingerz Sat 11-Jun-16 21:37:29

Your dh's judgement is severely impaired if he thinks his brother's rights to have a quiet life trump the right of his nephew to safe and appropriate care.

Phone social services.

Gazelda Sat 11-Jun-16 21:37:43

I may be naive, but I believe that SS would help and support as much as they could to prevent your DNephew being taken into care.

Fairylea Sat 11-Jun-16 21:39:25

You have a duty to get help for your poor nephew. I'd definitely report.

ConfuciousSayWhat Sat 11-Jun-16 21:39:41

They will initially try and support him in partnership with adult social services (as he has learning difficulties and issues with his own care) and only if that doesn't work out will they seek to remove the child.

IsThisForTheBest Sat 11-Jun-16 21:40:30

Dh thinks im over reacting. But hes always known his brother to be like that.

He says everybody is like that round there (it is a very deprived area)

He was shouting at me before saying he will not have me rip his family apart but he did calm down afterwards and said i could ring ss if i was 100% sure they wouldnt remove his son but would support them instead

HighwayDragon1 Sat 11-Jun-16 21:41:14

Sorry I don't know what happened to my post.

Call them now. Your nephew needs your support, he can't live like this. Your brother too, he needs protecting, they both do.

ConfuciousSayWhat Sat 11-Jun-16 21:41:56

Say to your dh as you can't agree give social services a call and let them make the decision and take it out of your hands. Have the school raised any concerns? It's better you report and they get a favourable spin than the school and it becomes a safeguarding issue

RiverTam Sat 11-Jun-16 21:42:19

Your DH needs to understand that his nephew's needs trump his brother's. Does he have no concern for him at all? Would you be able to take your nephew in if that's what it came to (I have no idea how these things work)?

IsThisForTheBest Sat 11-Jun-16 21:42:22

Last week he was saying to his son in the street..

"Hes a faggot him over there, what is he son?"

Son didnt answer

"Say what he is son!"

"Hes a faggot dad"

Fairylea Sat 11-Jun-16 21:43:14

To be honest if you reported it you could always blame it on the school anyway, I would suspect they have noticed smells / behaviour etc and you could definitely say it was down to them.

SealSong Sat 11-Jun-16 21:44:08

Social services would most probably do an initial assessment to look at the issues, then devise a support plan along with any other agencies involved e.g. school. They may allocate a family worker to the family, or refer for support from other agencies. You can't guarantee that a referral would not lead to the child being removed but it's very unlikely.

Don't try and refer over the weekend though. Ring and speak to the main team on Monday; you will only get through to the emergency duty social worker at the weekend and they are only there to deal with crises and emergencies, which this is not.

But yes, do ring in and refer the family, the boy's needs are not being properly met.

IsThisForTheBest Sat 11-Jun-16 21:44:30

I would take our nephew in i told dh this before.

No school have not said a word as far as i know.

Fairuza Sat 11-Jun-16 21:45:14

Social Services will try to keep them together, but it doesn't sound like your BIL is able to adequately care for his son.

Could you or your PIL take over care of your nephew?

Teacherontherun Sat 11-Jun-16 21:45:55

I would also be surprised if school weren't aware of the changes and hopefully if they are doing their job right have already referred him to ss. Do it now, you can be anonymous or at the very least ring his school on Monday, ask to speak to the safeguarding officer -tell them your concerns again anonymously, but if you tell them you are concerned about the welfare of a pupil, then they must act

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sat 11-Jun-16 21:45:56

This isn't about 'ripping his family apart'. It's about protecting his nephew. Who is also his family, btw. I too think your DHs judgement is skewed here.

IsThisForTheBest Sat 11-Jun-16 21:47:52

I dont know what school he attends as its not an english language name although he does live in britain.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 11-Jun-16 21:48:09

yes you have to call SS, by the sounds of it, your BIL is not able to look after his child properly.

RiverTam Sat 11-Jun-16 21:48:34

That sounds pretty abusive to me, OP?

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