to love my work-a-holic DP to death but be tired of this(15 Posts)
Ok so bit of a long story.
My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago when I was 23. I quit my job as I needed a break and took a live-in job in a hotel in The Lake District - a small village 10 miles from anywhere. I started dating the deputy manager almost immediately who was also live-in staff. I would usually work split shifts which were 8am-1pm then back in at 5pm-closing. He would either do the same, or start at 12ish and work straight through. We never did much on our days off together because we were so far from anything and both knackered all the time so I didn't really mind that we didn't do a lot other than veg. But in March we moved out of the hotel and now live just over 10 miles away in a busy town with lots to do ("lots" for the Lakes anyway!)
He always promised that once we had moved away, we would do more and he'd be less "attached" to the hotel. I understand and admire the fact that he works freakin' hard, but even now on our days off, he doesn't want to do a thing. He literally wants to wake up at midday then spend all day playing computer games. I quit my job at the hotel and work now 9-5 but have the same 2 days off as him. I don't ask for much and am not expecting to be whisked away every day off we have, but I want to do SOMETHING. Even if it's just going on a hike or to a museum!
The problem is, he is the deputy manager and the actual manager is beyond useless. He is close with the owner of the hotel so wants to do right by him and basically pick up the slack for the manager, but he's just becoming a push over. He works overtime and doesn't get paid for it, he does 80% of the workload instead of it being split between them. I do understand that he is exhausted and I feel bad, but I'm only 25, he's 27 and we just are not "living." I know I signed up for this when I started dating someone in this industry and like I said, I love his passion for the job and how he wants to do his best, but without sounding like a petulant child he spends no time with me and just wants to play his games.
I don't doubt that he loves me- he's always doing cute things like showing up to my work with flowers, leaving me notes around the house, he bought me a kitten to keep my company in the evenings! he's a very loving and caring man and i love him to death but I'm getting so tired of being third after his work, chill time, and then me. and it doesnt' help that I have very few friends around here. As soon as I moved up we started dating and being live-in in such a remote area I didn't meet many people.
I just don't know where to go from here. I've tried telling him how I feel and he always gets upset for me and apologises and just says he's so tired so on his days off he really wants to do just nothing- but I can't live like this forever!! I love him so much but this is not the life I want...any advice would be so appreciated.
I'd start with helping him realise that the owner doesn't feel the same way about loyalty to your partner - or he'd bin the GM and promote your partner.
The bottom line is that you want to go out and enjoy yourself on your days off so he either does that or you find someone else. Or you start doing the weekends with other people and building your friendship group.
Does he really expect you to sit around and watch him play computer games - coz that's not a 'great guy', that's a prick that is.
Exactly! I always say this- he will bend over backwards for the owner but gets so little in return. He bought us a fancy washing machine when we moved into our new flat which was very clearly an emotional bribe as he knows how stressed DP has been recently and think he is nervous he may resign.
The problem is because I Was "ok" with this sort of arrangement when we lived in the hotel (it wasn't ideal but I got it..it's hard to explain but when you do live in the middle of no where you just sort of get used to not doing a lot) but he still expects that from me now even though we are in a very vibrant town. He does all these lovely things on the side thinking that makes up for it and while yes they make me feel loved and let me know that he DOES care, it does't make up for the fact that my excitement on my days off is walking down to Morrisons and back
Can you just go.out on your own. I know its not the same but maybe if you het into the habit of doing stuff and talking about the great place/time he missed he will start to wake up.to.the fact there is life outside of work and stuff to.do.
I used to work in the industry 10am - 3am 6 days a week (sometimes workings day 7 as well) I'm so glad I got out before kids.
Time to start making your own friends.
Maybe he will feel left out and reassess his priorities. Maybe he won't but you'll be in a better place to reassess the relationship.
It is never a good idea to rely on your partner to be your source of entertainment. Having separate friends is important.
Apologies; for a moment I imagined you were dating the Nightmanager. Mmm..
Start doing stuff without him, stuff where you can meet people if possible. You should try and have a life outside your relationship anyway if possible. Even in the day, arrange to do stuff, tell him and invite him. If he says he's too tired after a month then you know where you stand, the kitten has more to give than him.
I'm sure it's easier said than done, but can he find another hotel to work in? It sounds as though he's capable of more than his current role and of course he's tired if he's attempting to cover the work load of two people. It sounds as though the manager is exploiting his kindness.
R.e the games console..It's naughty but could you take the fuse out so he comes home and discovers it's 'broken' for one weekend. You can then open his eyes to some fun activities. Going out, getting fresh air and a bit of exercise is a better way to unwind and he might have an epiphany.
Thank you for all of the input so far
I definitely do want to expand my friendship circle, but the problem is I really don't see him at all apart from on our 2 days off. He's either awake before I am, or I'm awake first but leave him to sleep in (if he's starting at 12). He's never back before 11.30pm and I'm usually just about awake enough for a goodnight kiss. So if I start doing things completely separately to him on our days off I just won't see him at all. But like some of you have said, maybe then he will see what he is missing out on.
I definitely know I need a life outside of my relationship but I think in a way I am still coming out of the "live-in job" experience where I barely socialised outside of work. I know I need to get out and meet people but I'm not really sure how, perhaps joining night classes etc.
I have said to him before "what would you do if there was a powercut and no electricity for 2 days?" He said he's just hope his laptop and ipad were charged and watch movies he has downloaded on there!
I would love him to work elsewhere as I see how much the owner takes advantage of him but it's such a sore topic. To be honest I think he's a total brown-nose to the owner and I don't know why he lets him walk all over him like he does. It's like he is so eager to impress him. He has job offers all the time for other places but is determined to stay there! It's so baffling to me but like I say I've given up trying to understand it
I'm guessing he feels some loyalty to his current manager or regards him as a friend that he can't let down. It's very difficult. Can he at least book a holiday to spend with you?
The naughty kitten will have to accidentally wee on the games console, rendering it useless.
Holidays are again a touchy subject...the hotel closes for 3 weeks every January. All staff have to take their holiday in those 3 weeks, so if you want to go away at any other time it is unpaid leave.
He likes to go home (back to Germany) every January for just under 2 weeks. The other week is spent relaxing etc. That's what he has done for the last 4 years anyway.
I'd love to go away at some point in October but there's no way he would do it...I wouldn't even bother asking!
That is not enough holiday entitlement how does the owner wangle that?
well it's 28 days in the year, so 21 MUSt be taken in january then 1 week left over. But he likes to have these in single days for events or whatever. I don't think he'd want to use up his one week on a holiday. (haven't actually asked but I'm sure that's what he would say!)
I think you have to make your feelings clear, otherwise you'll be plodding along like this for years with you getting more and resentful. If you want a future, children with him how will it work? Does he expect you to be at home all the time? He probably thinks things are fine as they are so talk to him about what you both want, where you see yourself in a few years.
I hope you can come to some sort of compromise.
You're right, I know you are definitely right. I can't keep burying my head in the sand hoping things will get better.
I'm just hoping that his way of thinking is "work like a crazy dude for a few years, get a decent amount of money, then get a job with more regular ours so we can start a family"...I'll have to have a chat with him and see what is really going on in his head!
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