Update: DD's Birthday and GPs(5 Posts)
I posted awhile back about my mum and her inability to compromise or wanting to involve DD and I in her life.
Thread 1 Here
Thread 2 Here
So thought I'd update MN on the conversation I had with her today.
My Granddads on Holiday with one of my aunts, so today while DH was at work I met up with my mum with my DD whos 1 in a 2.5 weeks time.
We went out for lunch, and my mum commented how much fun she had. She particularly enjoyed feeding my DD as she (DD) had blueberries for the first time today - she loved them and kept trying to eat them off both mine and my mums plates. So I used this to open the discussion about how we could do it more often if she was open to compromise.
She told me that she was willing to compromise but she feels inferior to MIL because PILs apparently have more to offer DD than she does, so she doesn't want to get too attached if DD is going to choose them over her when she's older - my mum has self esteem issues thanks to my
dickhead/arsehole dad who she left last year
I told her that because I don't speak to or see my dad (my own choice, partially because of the way he treated my mum but also because of issues with his temper and treatment of me while pregnant) then she doesn't need to share her with anyone, FIL and MIL have to share with each other, plus they have SIL, 18, living with them who also wants to see and spend time with her - whereas she only has me and occasionally my brother when he appears from his bedroom so she can have more cuddles and more time with her.
She mentioned the fact that my PILs have a lot more money than her and how they can "spoil her" (mums words not mine) but I pointed out that it's not all about money. My granddad and my Nan (his wife) used to take us to lots of free places - local castles, parks, the odd museum etc. and then would save their money for a big trip in the summer holidays where they'd take me, my brother and our cousin to the seaside for a few days and we'd have donkey rides, arcade machines, ice creams etc. I have fantastic memories with my grandparents and looking back now they didn't spend much money at all on us.
She then tried to tell me that because DD has her own bedroom at my PILs she won't want to visit her - I never had a bedroom at my grandparents and used to sleep on their sofa. When my Nan died in 2011 and my granddad moved to his 1 bed bungalow I would sleep on an airbed in his living room and would do the same again if needed.
I told her not to worry about PILs and just focus on her own relationship with DD, because yes it'll be different to her relationship with PIL but it'll still be special, just like my relationship with my grandparents was, and now my relationship with my granddad is.
I offered to pay for DDs birthday again after that so she could come with us. And she said she'd love to but now can't get the day off work as it's too short notice (had I known I'd have had this chat with her before), but she did ask if DD could have one of her birthday presents early. DD opened a beautiful little outfit that my mum got from Asda a few weeks ago. My mums asked if she can wear it on her birthday when we go to the attraction, so that she's "with us".
My other aunt (the one not on holiday) met us afterwards and told my mum that she'd happily have my granddad with her for the one Saturday a month and my mum was not to feel guilty about spending time with me, as my granddad would see her the other 3 weekends a month. My mum's the oldest so feels she should have the most responsibility for her dad (my granddad), so my aunt told her that she'd discussed it with the other sister and they were both happy with my mums contribution and she should be allowed to enjoy her granddaughter. I love my aunt for saying this and helping me make my mum see that she can infact have the best of both worlds. This is obvious because Aunt 2 (the youngest sister) has gone away with Granddad, her husband and my cousin.
So my mums agreed to one Saturday a month plus the Saturdays my granddads on holiday - he goes away twice a year, once with my mum and once with Aunt 2. My granddads not back from holiday until 21st June, so we're meeting again next Saturday. I'm going to still be seeing my granddad once a fortnight for lunch/coffee, with DD and if my mums ever off she's going to join us.
So everythings resolved and everyone's happy.
Thanks Mumsnet for your help.
I remember your thread, that's fab news Yum
Your dad did a real number on your mum's self-esteem, didn't he? Glad she's left him.
Zarah123 Yeah, she has a very low opinion of herself and also thinks that everyone around her doesn't like her. Just glad we've got it sorted, with a little help from my lovely aunt, as I really do want DD to have a relationship with both sides of her family.
So nice to hear a great outcome, really pleased for all of you!
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