to ask him about money?

[user1465208541]

Long time reader, first time poster.

Basically me and OH have just had a horrible argument over money. £200 has gone missing from the joint account in 10 days. I've questioned him about this, as last month we both agreed to stop with silly spending and get out of the overdraft. Anyway he says he doesn't know where the money has gone. I got really upset as he has lied to me before and stolen £400 from the account and blown in on Sky Bet etc.. I'm scared it's that again. He also keep threatening to leave if we argue so I think he might be saving money to leave. He says he doesn't love me. He's threatened to leave this time because I'm controlling with money and insecure about women he works with. Feel really lost.

Also I'm a SAHM so feel quite isolated, don't really have friends to talk to.

[EveryoneElsie]

So he gambles money you cant afford to lose, and lies about it. And is now defensive about missing money and you bringing it up.
I think he has a gambling problem. Would he go to Gamblers Anon?

Would it help you if he did? What do you want? What would be your ideal outcome?

[branofthemist]

My advice would be to tell him to go then.

Wether he has gambled this £200 or not, he is a dick and doesn't love you. Do you really want to be with him?

Fwiw, I think from what you have said he does know where the money has gone and is deflecting.

Personally I would call your bank and tell them someone is taking money out of your account. because if he hasn't taken it and you haven't taken it, someone has one of your bank cards and is stealing it.

[BreakerofChains]

Doesn't it say where the money has gone on the statement or account view?

[sugarapplelane]

I agree with bran - call your bank and say that money is going missing from your account and it isn't you or your OH. When you have done this tell your OH that you have let the bank know to keep an eye on your account and see what his reaction is.

Then I would make plans to leave HIM!

He doesn't appreciate you, doesn't love you, isn't sensible with money. Sounds like a plonker to me.

[user1465208541]

Sorry, just read through that and realised I've left out that it's money split between taken out of ATMs which is £100. He said this was for his lift to work/bus ect. and £35 at shops and £65 straight into his account. He won't let me look at his private account saying it's controlling if I do.

I want to be with him, I had so many plans for our life together. I don't know how I would cope financially or raising our toddler basically alone. Also going through health issues so really worn down. I think we get on well, but he doesn't seem to agree.

[branofthemist]

So he is admitting it but won't say where it went?

I assume you are not well off and this isn't money that can afford to disappear?

Personally I sign like dh looking at my personal account. We have a joint bank account for bills and savings and the rest is our own. I spend mine how I want and don't have to justify to dh what I do with it. But I wouldn't be taking money out of the joint account. I would get why he wanted to know what I was spending it on.

If you are well off and it doesn't make a difference, it wouldn't really matter.

But, really all this doesn't matter. He doesn't love you, he has said he will leave you, he holds it over you.

You can't make this work because he doesn't want to. Looking at his bank account won't change any of that.

[user1465208541]

No, we're not well off. I'm usually very good with money though, so this is all really bothering me.

I suppose it doesn't really matter in the bigger picture, if he leaves. I just wanted to know if it was gambling again and to actually get help if it was.

I think I'm just hoping that he is ''bluffing'' when he says he'll leave. It always seems to divert the argument.

[ImperialBlether]

But OP, he says he doesn't love you, takes money you need for bills and spends it on gambling. He says he'll leave you, you're worried about other women... It's not looking good, is it?

[memyselfandaye]

I agree with Pearl don't try and cling to a man who doesnt love you.

Tell him to leave, take control.

Oh and life as a single parent isn't awful, it's bloody fantastic.

[sugarapplelane]

Yep. That word don't between I and love should send alarm bells ringing through that head of yours and you should be the one making plans to leave, not him.

Come on, be a strong woman. We weren't made to sit around at home and wait for men. We take a stand against those that do us wrong. He steals ( because that is basically what it is as he has done it stealthily) from your account, tells you he doesn't love you and jerks you around. So, those plans you had for you and him in your future - they can go to hell. Start making plans for yourself.

[EveryoneElsie]

Look at it this way, he took the money behind your back and he claims its you thats controlling.
He threatens to leave til you back down.
This isnt healthy. You are sending the message that he can do what he wants, as you need him no matter what.

Do you have anyone you can talk to?

[KissMyArse]

I want to be with him, I had so many plans for our life together

Sadly it appears that he does not feel the same way.

I couldn't continue to live with a man who has already told me he doesn't love me, irrespective of whether he's taking money from the bank account.

[branofthemist]

He steals
He lies
He threatens you with leaving when you disagree
He then says the you are the controlling one
He is quite happy for you to live in fear of him leaving

He is horrible. Quite frankly, leaving you would be the best thing he could do....for you. It will hurt you in the short term, but in the long term you will be better off

[happypoobum]

He is threatening to leave so you will shut the fuck up and stop asking him pesky questions about the money he has taken and spent on Gambling/God knowswhat.

What has happened to your self esteem? Was it already low so you were an easy target for such a pig? Or has he chipped away at it so that you think a lie with someone with zero respect or you is better than being alone?

Either way, get rid love. He wants to go? Pack his bag and wish him luck.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I think that, for now, I would be putting the money issue slightly to one side (not permanently, but just for now) - and sitting down for a frank and heart searching discussion about whether your DH still wants to be in your marriage or not.

Maybe him saying that he doesn't love you is just something to say to divert the argument - but maybe he's serious. I'm sorry, I know it's really hard (I'm going through a marriage break up myself), but I think discussing that openly and honestly is your priority.

If he does love you & you do both want to stay married, then you can discuss finances in much more detail.

[happypoobum]

Sorry - dodgy "f" key

liFe

For

[ohtheholidays]

He's being a controlling arsehole OP and you and your DC deserve so much better!

Draw out what ever money is your's and keep it on you,is where your living your place?If it is draw your money out,hide anything of yours that's worth money and tell him to pack his bags and get out!

When someone tells you who they are you should listen!
He's telling you he's a lying,thiefing bully who doesn't want to be with you so show him the door!

[user1465208541]

Thanks everyone that replied. I decided I need to stand up for myself. Luckily the tenancy is in my name, so no problems there. He is leaving tomorrow.

I used to be a confident person, but after being worn down with constant remarks and threats. And gaining weight after my pregnancy due to hypothyroidism. I've felt low and worthless for a long time.

This will be the last time he holds this over me because he will be gone tomorrow. He's actually being calm so I think this has been a reality coming for a long time. I've cried about it so many times that I feel quite calm now.

[KissMyArse]

You've done the right thing even if it might not feel like it at the moment x

[Eminado]

^ What Kissmyarse said.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Make sure he doesn't clear out your accounts before hand op

[7DaysAWeekWorker]

He doesn't love you so why do you want to be with him? Move on...

[EveryoneElsie]

Its hard now, but life will be less stressful when you dont have to constantly worry about money going missing, and the constant wearing comments and lies.