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To not allow my daughter to take part

(21 Posts)
SaltyPotatoes Sat 11-Jun-16 10:02:05

My dd (13) is due to take part in a charity event next month as part of a team with other family members, as dues to her age she is unable to do it as a solo entry & im unable to do it with her for health reasons.

Problem is iam not speaking to most of said family members, two of them are very toxic, passive aggressive, narssisistic bullys, who if you dont do things their way or agree with them on things will get very nasty and send abusive messages / block contact till you give in, i used to toe the line so to speak as i was scared of being ostracised from the family, but im now in my mid 30's and decided enough was enough & over the last couple of years have started to stand up for myself

Recently tho there has been an issue that they tried to bully me over but i refused to let them bully me, my dsis sent me a nasty and aggressive message then blocked me, and when i told my stepmum that i still intended to attend the charity event she warned me that my dsis would be there & that it was nice knowing me hmm

Then yesterday she herself sent me a nasty message ending with "if i see you at (charity event) you better run! Aibu to now not go to the event & also not send my dd? I know she will be disappointed, but next year i will see if my sil can do it with her instead as she does alot of charity events, & i will of course still donate to the charity regardless of wether my dd is there or not, and was thinking that to make up for her not going to the event i would take her out for the afternoon instead

AugustaFinkNottle Sat 11-Jun-16 10:04:18

No, don't go and don't send your DD. And report your charmless sister to the police for sending threatening messages.

WhatALoadOfWankers Sat 11-Jun-16 10:06:26

Don't send her
Enough is enough

RaeSkywalker Sat 11-Jun-16 10:09:21

No, don't send her, it's not worth it.

gamerchick Sat 11-Jun-16 10:10:47

But what's that teaching your bairn, that threats work? Go to the thing, hold your head up and get the fuckers lifted if they step out of line. There's no way I would stay away now.. Especially as threats have been made in writing.

SaltyPotatoes Sat 11-Jun-16 10:21:05

Thanks guys. smile i understand what you saying gamerchick but they will just cause a row at the event which isnt fair as its charity and will upset my dd, but as i said i WILL still be donating, so th chairty wont lose out

TendonQueen Sat 11-Jun-16 10:22:38

So was the team she was in including the toxic family members? Or was it other people?

LittleReindeerwithcloggson Sat 11-Jun-16 10:25:28

Don't go and don't send DD.
I would reply to message saying "Don't worry I won't be there if you don't want me to. Obviously it means DD won't be there either but as that's the way you want it there shouldn't be a problem. Hope it all goes well"
Or words to that effect!

gamerchick Sat 11-Jun-16 10:37:46

But all you're telling them is that you can be bullied. They'll be smug and the abuse wont stop. If they cause a scene then it's THEIR fault and their doing, not yours. Sometimes you have to make a stand. The thing isn't until next month, how much abuse between now and then are you going to put up with?

They've made threats, you could report that. Nobody deserves to be abused no matter who it is and why should your bairn miss out because she has bellends as family?

EveryoneElsie Sat 11-Jun-16 10:40:20

Going NC with a toxic family is the best thing. It has nothing to do with not standing up to bullies or letting them win.

useyourimagination Sat 11-Jun-16 10:42:39

Keep DD far, far away from them.

gamerchick Sat 11-Jun-16 10:47:48

Going NC is fine if you can actually go NC. It doesn't sound as if this lot are going to go away. There are some people who you cant ignore and actually get some peace.

Don't get me wrong I do understand and the first instinct is to just creep away quietly when your kids are involved.

OP if you do as they ask and keep away will they leave you alone between now and the thing and after the thing? It sounds as if it would be nice to just fuck them off once and for all if they'll leave you alone.

alltouchedout Sat 11-Jun-16 10:49:12

I'd tell my sister that I was reporting her threats to the police.
And I'd go to the event because I don't see why bullies should run my life. My DM let family rows and bullies keep her (and us) from her own mother's funeral. It'd be a cold day in hell before I let any toxic relative push me our of anything I wanted to do.
But if you think it wil be better for you and dd and the other people going for you not to go, then don't go. I'm probably not thinking completely straight about stuff like this- my nana died years ago and I'm still furious.

EveOnline2016 Sat 11-Jun-16 10:54:21

I would go.

Like hell would I stop my children doing something reasonable because of other people's behaviour.

In fact I would log the abusive messages with the police so if things do kick off then it will be easier for the police to bring a charge against these bullies.

People like that will continue if left unchallenged.

SaltyPotatoes Sat 11-Jun-16 10:59:19

The team she was in included the toxic family members & as i wouldnt be able to be with her during the race part of the event she would be alone with them which is why im now not wishing her to go, the charity will still get my donation regardless, and i will treat daughter to make up for her disappointment at not attending

Iam NC with them now, blocked them on social media & blocked numbers on phone, the only ones im not NC with is my dad & db but the rest iam, with id gone NC with those particular members years ago, ive now been pushed out the family because ive now started standing up for myself & will only be allowed back in if i start to toe the line angry

ZippyNeedsFeeding Sat 11-Jun-16 11:07:40

What are the chances of one of them actually assaulting you if you do go? It's one thing to stand up to bullies, but I don't think you need to risk physical harm to prove that they can't push you around.

ohtheholidays Sat 11-Jun-16 11:08:38

Don't let her go and don't attend yourself.If you have any of those messages still you really should report them to the Police and get an injunction against those people stopping them from coming anywhere near or contacting you or your DD!

MadameJosephine Sat 11-Jun-16 11:09:44

I wouldn't let my child anywhere near these people, they sound hideous. Take her out for a treat together to make it up to her and don't engage with them again

diddl Sat 11-Jun-16 12:04:27

"Going NC with a toxic family is the best thing. It has nothing to do with not standing up to bullies or letting them win."

I agree with that.

Presumably Op wasn't NC when this was organised & now that she has stood up to them the abuse/bullying has stepped up?

Why would she send her daughter to be with abusive bullies?

She should be protecting her from them, which keeping her away would do.

SaltyPotatoes Sat 11-Jun-16 13:25:29

Exactly diddl next year im going to arrange for her to do the event with my sil who does it every year, cant do that for this year as sil lives in a diff town & her towns event has already taken place

Thanks for all your replies, im glad im nbu smile

SaltyPotatoes Sat 11-Jun-16 17:54:05

Have now informed dd of the situation, i made it clear to her that it was nothing against her personally but that im not having her around people who behave that way, naturally she is upset, at not being able to take part in the event (but shes pleased we will still be donating regardless) & at them behaving so badly towards her mother forcing a NC situation

Turns out my stepmum has sent messages to her nagging her to try and get me to change my mind about the issues that has lead to the fallout in the first place, dd had replied that she didnt want to get involved as shes just a child and its not her argument, but stepmum kept nagging trying to use emotional blackmail

Ive now made her block both these toxic family members from her phone and social media, have just been to shop & bought her a tub of her fave ben & jerrys & instead of a afternoon out she asked if she could have a really nice hair do instead as a bit of a pamper type treat, so thats the new plan grin

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