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To be upset about what DSS has been saying about me?

(56 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 11-Jun-16 00:50:47

Ok, I know I'm probably being oversensitive but the last couple of weeks I've been increasingly upset by what Dss (DP's son) has been saying about me during contact.

Today we went for KFC as a treat before he went home and he was making a LOT of comments about me and my size (just for reference I am size 14/16 and his mum, DP's ex is much larger than I am - not really relevent but just to give context)

For example:

Dss: 'you've got a big butt'
Dss: 'if we got into a car crash your belly would act like an airbag' etc etc.

I know he's a child of 7 but I'm very self conscious about my size and this has really upset me.

Also, DP and I cannot have children for various reasons and have just about come to terms with this. DP's ex and her new partner have had a baby 9 ish months ago and Dss keeps making comments that I am not really part of the family because '[me] and daddy haven't had a baby' or that '[DP's ex's partner] is more a part of the family because they have made a baby together'.

I know he is only 7 and almost certainly doesn't have any idea of how what he is saying hurts but Aibu to be upset about it?

KateLivesInEngland Sat 11-Jun-16 00:53:13

Of course yanbu!
I think your OH needs to step up here and discipline his child. What does he do/say when he hears him?

KateLivesInEngland Sat 11-Jun-16 00:55:19

I have a 7yr old btw, and they absolutely know that that is unacceptable behaviour.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 11-Jun-16 00:56:53

I think DP feels a bit awkward about it all and generally tries to make a joke out of it, I don't think he realises just how much it upsets me sad

I suppose my other Aibu would be is there anything I can do about it? Could I or should I say anything about it to DSS' mother herself?

OutToGetYou Sat 11-Jun-16 00:58:50

It's not unreasonable to be upset, no. But it is unreasonable to expect a seven year old to self-censor. His father needs to speak to him about it.
I reckon he's getting be the "part of the family" nonsense from the ex too, can't imagine he'd come up with that all by himself. So it's not his fault. Again, his father needs to speak to him.

If you're going to be a step mother I'm afraid you need a really thick skin!

CodyKing Sat 11-Jun-16 01:00:17

Tell your DH that his son is getting away with rudeness to you

Standard reply "that's rude" "you shouldn't speak to grown ups like that" "no need for personal remarks"

OutToGetYou Sat 11-Jun-16 01:00:29

Speak to your dp, TELL him how it upsets you. He needs to speak to dss. 7 is old enough to understand about being kind to people.

No, do not speak to the ex. If she's bad mouthing you it will only reward her to know that it's hitting the target!

AgentZigzag Sat 11-Jun-16 01:01:47

I've got a 6 YO and she definitely knows that the things she says could hurt someone, and if she forgot for any reason I'd soon be reminding her!

You're not being oversensitive at all, one comment when he normally doesn't say things like that you could brush off but constantly saying them just isn't on.

I know he's probably saying about this one subject because he's having trouble verbalising other things that are bothering him (maybe he's feeling pushed out at home and is taking it out on you), but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be picked up on it.

Has your DP heard him?

If he has how does he deal with it?

If he hasn't have you told him and how did he react?

purplefox Sat 11-Jun-16 01:03:34

He shouldn't be getting away with speaking to anyone like that because it makes your DP awkward. He's his parent and really needs to start acting like one. A 7 year old is old enough to know that these things are hurtful.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 11-Jun-16 01:03:54

Well Out, there was a bit of a Hoo-ha the other week because another member of Dss' extended family had mentioned that [dp's ex partner] was not a 'proper' member of the family because they weren't married yet so I suspect this may have been where the conversation.was initiated but it was nothing to do with me! [Dp's ex] was very quick to make it extremely clear that even though they weren't married yet [dp's ex's partner] was very much a part of the family due to having 'made a baby' with [dp's ex]. I, of course, do not have that connection to 'the family' so it makes me feel very isolated, maybe unreasonably so sad

AgentZigzag Sat 11-Jun-16 01:08:35

'I think DP feels a bit awkward about it all and generally tries to make a joke out of it, I don't think he realises just how much it upsets me'

X posts with you, why doesn't he realise, he must know that the lad's being cheeky and what he's saying isn't nice for you.

Why haven't you felt that you could tell him?

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 11-Jun-16 01:11:31

Agent, DP does hear him every time and does pull him up on it but maybe not quite in the way I would prefer but then he is his son and I don't feel I can have a say in any of that. He tends to feel quite awkward about it and turns most things into a joke ('but 'fedup's' bum is not that big really is it, etc etc) but I don't think he quite realises just how hurtful I do find it.

I know part of that is my own issue about self esteem and that I should be able to just shrug off silly comments from a 7 yr old but I can't help it sad

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 11-Jun-16 01:13:22

I suppose it's just the nature of being a Stepmum Agent, I don't feel like it's my place to say anything or be assertive for want of offending anyone or seeming unreasonable confused

OutToGetYou Sat 11-Jun-16 01:17:51

Don't shrug it off, say "I find that upsetting, I'm sure you don't mean to upset me, do you?"

Re being part of the family - dp and I aren't married and we don't have our own kids, but me, him and dss are a family and I make sure I tell dss that. I say "we're a family and families do blah". His mother is very keen that I cannot be called step mother due to not being married, but funnily enough I have never asked to be, only dss refers to me as that because it's just a shorthand. You just make yourselves a family
I don't feel part of Dp's family really, but they live a long way away, and this year was the first time in six years they acknowledged my birthday.

liz70 Sat 11-Jun-16 01:20:15

I would like to think that I'd say something like this:

"That was an extremely rude and disrespectful way to talk to me, and I will not tolerate it. Making nasty and personal comments about anybody's size or appearance is incredibly bad-mannered, so don't do it to me, or anybody else."

(My own children would have got, " DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. " but I appreciate that that's not necessarily possible here.) But really,would you put up with that lip from anyone else, child or adult? Stand up for yourself and don't tolerate rudeness like that from anybody. And if your DP doesn't support you, then think hard about your relationship. You don't have to put up with abuse, from anyone.

AgentZigzag Sat 11-Jun-16 01:25:13

You do have a say in it when what he's saying is directed at you, not only for telling your DP exactly how it makes you feel and expecting him to put a stop to it, but also to reply for yourself every time with the (excellent) lines CodyKing suggested in her post (although I'd probably firm them up by tacking 'so don't talk to me like that please' on the end of each one, making it very clear that you expect him to stop).

And hmm at ''but 'fedup's' bum is not that big really is it, etc etc', the cheeky twat! That would really wind me up, he's bloody agreeing with the lad isn't he? As well as bolstering the lad's idea that he has a right to talk about the size of your fucking arse!

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 11-Jun-16 01:27:49

I agree Liz, my own children would have gotten excuse me! That was extremely rude and I hope you're going to apologise for that or something in that vein but I'm always very wary when children are not 'mine' lest I offend their 'real' parents.

In the instance where I was being compared to [dp's ex's partner] and not considered a 'real' member of the family due to not having a baby I responded that it wasn't a competition as to who was more family that others and that as long as we all got along and liked each other it didn't matter!

TopazRocks Sat 11-Jun-16 01:35:16

Or don't make it about you but say 'That's a very rude thing to say to somebody'. Maybe add something like 'You don't want people thinking you
are rude/unkind, do you?' That 2nd idea might be a bit sharp for a 7yO, but maybe he needs to be told and it doesn't sound like his dad is sorting it.

I think you do have to spell out to your partner that you find it upsetting/hurtful, and that you want him to deal with it.

About the baby and family bit, he's not too young to be reminded families are all different/come in all shapes and configurations. <change to words more suited to that child>. Even just laugh and say how ridiculous that idea is ....

I think it's fine to assert yourself. Assertiveness and fixing things is not the same as being U or deliberately offensive. It's all to do with setting boundaries and that's your responsibility when he's with you, eps if he is rude to YOU.

NanaNina Sat 11-Jun-16 01:56:32

Agree with all the comments. I suspect it's what the child's mother has been saying about you - they sound quite adult - the airbag thing, big butt. I might be wrong but I don't think 7 year olds would think of such comments, but it's no good DH trying to make a joke of it. OK he doesn't want to upset his son but he can put him in his place about rudeness in a calm and rational manner.

The other thing OP is that I am a SM (but thank god they've grown and got their own families and live miles away from us) and I made the mistake of thinking I couldn't correct them, especially SD who made my life a misery. I have 2 sons of my own and they were all similar ages (step kids didn't live with us) but holidays were always together, and years later one of my sons told me how annoyed he and his brother were when they were kids because X got away with anything and never got told off etc. She told stupid lies, fanciful stories that were utterly transparent, and none of us challenged her because me and my kids knew that her dad would not like it if we did. You've probably heard the term "Disney dad" - well she grew into a compulsive liar, far more dangerous lies that daft stories about meeting pop stars and going to stay at their mansions! She lied about everything and anything and she's lost 2 of her children because of her lies (allowing her boyfriend to abuse them) and I often think if we'd said something about those lies, or at least let her know we knew they were lies, things could have been different - maybe not but I still wonder............

I know you don't have that problem but I suppose I'm trying to say you must feel able to reprimand this child gently but firmly or the resentment will build in you. Also you might be better off posting in step parents.

Having said all that he's a cheeky little sod.............!!!!

liz70 Sat 11-Jun-16 09:21:36

Incidentally, I frequently have next door's DD1, who is about 5, round to our house to play with our DD3. She is a sweet little thing and really no trouble, but if she ever did speak rudely to me then I'd tell her off same as I would my own DD. I've little truck with this "can't tell another's child off" attitude - if a child is in my charge then they'll be treated like my own children, including cuddle and plaster if they graze/cut themself, and all the rest of it.

LittleLionMansMummy Sat 11-Jun-16 09:30:04

Your dp needs to step up and tell him he's being rude and that he doesn't expect him to talk to you like that, it's very hurtful, as most people would do with their own dc. I think step parents are in a difficult situation as far as discipline is concerned, which is why I say your dp should be taking the lead. Thankfully my own DSDs have never said deliberately hurtful things to me but on the odd occasion they may have hurt me unknowingly, dh has had a chat with them.

Flossyfloof Sat 11-Jun-16 09:30:38

Don't laugh sheepishly or shrug this off - and don't expect anyone else to deal with it. If he makes a rude or personal remark about you - choke him off immediately. He's being hurtful and rude. Even if your bum was huuuuuuuge he has no business commenting on it.
As a teacher when kids said inappropriate things I often used the "Why would you say that?" line. Puts the ball in their court and makes them think, if he just shrugs, insist - why would you say that when you know it is a rude and hurtful thing to say? Do I ever say nasty things to you? etc

VeryBitchyRestingFace Sat 11-Jun-16 09:35:20

Dss: 'if we got into a car crash your belly would act like an airbag' etc etc.

Horrendous but I'm LOLing at the ingenuity of that from a 7 yr old. blush

There's no way a child of that age came up with that, so he's obv parroting back what his DM has said.

BadgersNadgers Sat 11-Jun-16 11:13:34

I have boys aged 6 and 8 and I work in a primary school. Boys of that age can be silly, rude and thoughtless but they are rarely spiteful. I agree that he is picking this up from his mother.

I wonder if he feels pushed out by his new sibling and is taking it out on you because you're reluctant to tell him off and his Dad needs to grow a spine.

I think you need to start disciplining him. Show him that you are to be treated with respect.

My children would not get away with speaking to me or anyone like that, the children I work with wouldn't get away with it and neither would any visiting children.

LIZS Sat 11-Jun-16 11:22:31

There's no way* a child of that age came up with that, so he's obv parroting back what his DM has said*

Or perhaps what is said to his own DM if she too is on the larger size. He is pushing boundaries, how does your dp react, should he not be disciplining and guiding his own son. hmm

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