Advanced search

Aibu .. To think something sensible should be worked out here for maintenaince from ex

(64 Posts)
Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 19:49:37

Bit stressed out so sorry for gushing
Any advice or shared experience so very much appreciated

Ds 9. Has special needs ( mild .. Don't put self in shoes of other parents and friends of mine who have it seriously tough but it is far from easy with school etc .Ds has diagnosis of aspergers and adhd .. But a lot of love, time and effort has gone a long way over the years and he is a superstar in my eyes )

Ex husband . .. Is .. Sorry to say .. A bit of a twit . Actually that's an understatement : the list is pretty long
Doesn't see Ds much , doesn't support , has a persona vendetta against me as I divorced him and " stole his house "
Divorced him as he dealt with stress by beng abusive and physically violent towards me

Xh high earner .. He as Court ordered to pay high maintenaince to Ds and spousal maintenaince to me ( joint lives order ) 5 years ago . I pay for sons needs with child Maintenaince , mortgage and council tax with spousal . I work part time and receive a small amount in benefits to make up shortfall . Just . I run an overdraft and balance credit card debt

Xh has new partner and baby on way . Has been threating to reduce payment for some time . Keeps cancelling having Ds and Ds not keen to visit him as he says has no fun there and there have been incidents of X losing his temper ( not violent towards Ds I hasten to add else it would be a red card for me I assure you)

Xh told me today he has lost his job and in 3 months time he will be paying no money to me and if I have an issue I can take him to court
There is no reasoning with him when he gets on one trust me

Can he do this. ?
Any suggestions ?
Mortgage will not go away

I am in a relationship with a lovely kind man for 2 years with 3 DC of his own to support . DP would like Ds and I to move to be with him ( long distance relationship right now ) and I adore him and his DC and we all have a lovely time together ( I truly do ) but moving to a new country is a big step . I have lived alone with Ds for years and we have a "good groove" going on .

Does anybody know anything about the legal aspect ?
Solicitors v expensive

Big thank you

Pohara1 Fri 10-Jun-16 20:52:20

Is legal aid an option? or if you're in the uk, what about the csa?

I have little experience of maintenance as my ex never paid but my friends ex purposely took a paycut to drastically reduce his payments. Then he intentionally lost his job. He got a cash in hand job and eventually had to pay, and back pay, but I'm not sure of the ins and outs of how he was forced to pay.

As for your other issue, yes moving in with someone and blending families is a huge step. I was constantly questioning my decision to have my dp move in with my dc and I. And while it was the best thing I've ever done, he moved in with us and adapted to our rhythm. Could you spend longer periods of time with him as a test run? and have a frank and honest conversation with him about how it would work, who would do what, how much input you would both have in major decisions - parenting each other's dc, the property etc.

I also had a conversation with my dc about if they would like dp to live with us, and any non negotiable rules they had - dd 9 has to have everyone knock before entering her room.

I hope anything I've said helps!

RedHelenB Fri 10-Jun-16 21:01:33

If he is no longer earning money then he can go to court and vary the maintenance order.

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 21:04:59

It is
Thank you pohara for taking the time to say all that
I am not entitled to legal aid it seems .. I checked because I work part time and receive spousal maintenaince .. Even though every penny goes on living costs ( mortgage )
Had I not gone out to work at all or been awarded spousal I would have . I can't default on mortgage and it is tight each month . DP would probably pay to help me but that " feels wrong " and he does a lot for Ds and I already ( funds Holidays and outings etc )

Your " dummy runs " suggestion is really constructive .. Thank you

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 21:08:16

Hi red Helen
He doesnt want to go to court ..he just says he Will stop it and I must take him to court over it . He doesn't want to reduce .. He just wants to stop paying anything at all

OSETmum Fri 10-Jun-16 21:12:45

Do you think he has genuinely lost his job?

If so what do you propose he pay your mortgage with?! If the money genuinely isn't there, he can't pay you and no court/ CMS is going to tell him he has to.

Obviously, if you think he is lying, you need to fight him but if he's telling the truth then that's it really, unless he gets a new job.

RedHelenB Fri 10-Jun-16 21:16:16

Well you will have to take him to court but if he has no job he wont be expected to pay,

fuckincuntbuggerinarse Fri 10-Jun-16 21:19:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seasidesally Fri 10-Jun-16 21:35:15

why cant you try and increase your hrs or get a full time job

how much is your mortgage ??

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 21:54:08

Thank you for your replies
Yes I believe he he is losing his job
But he is a partner in the company as I understand it ( the divorce is " historical we seperated when ds was 3 and now 9 nearly 10 so his subsequent employment status is not disclosed to me )

He won't give me any info
Very cagey

Our lives have been very seperate since divorce and he doesn't see Ds much ( his choice not my doing I promise )

I don't work full time as I am self employed .. I retrained as my old profession involved constant travel .. Too hard with a special needs Ds . Also I was unable to pass the medical due to an injury resulting from the domestic violence in the marriage
Sorry .. I don't mean to shock just that those are the facts

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 22:02:44

To add
We do live In an expensive area . Mortgage is high .. Over £1000 a month . I rely on ex for that via the spousal . I had savings to put down so would not have qualified for housing benefit
The reason I chose to remain here is because of schooling for Ds and proximity to his dad ( that sort of backfired ) and my parents who are very wonderful with Ds and help me out a lot .
DP comes to visit a few times a month and it is easy for him as he works in this country near to where we live .
Gosh it's hard to explain without much background .

But what I am looking for is any advice on the legal aspect
Perhaps I should repost on the legal board ?

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 22:12:30

Adding more here
I feel there is a link between arrival of new baby / sudden appearance of new partner in last few months and " losing his job "

I have no issue with his new partner .. I know it may seem I am a bitter ex but I only genuinely feel protective towards her and see new baby as Ds brother . I sent baby present etc . She is young , English is far from her first language as I found when I met her briefly . But on the rare occasions Ds has been to them I picked up on her being nice to him and giving him time and attention which Xh doesn't seem to do at all ( always either sleeping or working and won't take him on outings unless I pay out of maintenaince etc )

My concern is what happens when he stops paying me

seasidesally Fri 10-Jun-16 22:14:51

but if he as no job = no income or greatly reduced means no maintenance

surly mortgaging yourself up to the hilt by counting on maintenance was short sited,i didnt think people got spousal support anymore

why cant you look for more work to increase your income i really dont see another way

with two lots of maintenance,wages,tax credits (im assuming) you must have a good income and hardly on the poverty line

seasidesally Fri 10-Jun-16 22:21:25

do you get PIP for your son ??

if not do you think he would be elegible ??

certain criteria will give you extra tax credit for your son if he gets PIP (im guessing you get tax credit for him)

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 22:22:17

Seaside Sally
I wish

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 22:24:41

What is pip please ?
( genuine question )
We did get dwp but that is being cut due to government changes
Caters allowance I am not entitled to if I receive over £ 100 a week

seasidesally Fri 10-Jun-16 22:27:34

hmmm maybe it is what you mean by DWP

pip=personal independence payment the benefit that is replacing DLA

there is a care part and mobility part,does that sound familiar to you

wannabestressfree Fri 10-Jun-16 22:36:11

It's still dla for a child and you can't claim carers without it anyway.

Pleaseeatyourbreakfast Fri 10-Jun-16 22:49:34

yes I see ladies
Yes it's same as the old dwp I just googled it
That's helpful thank you
But it's less than 300 a month and also we aren't entitled to it as aspergers no longer qualifies
It would have helped though
It seems to me that if you're honest you qualify for few benefits

I only work during term time and being self employed get paid as I go .

But wishing to avoid politics I do think I need to see a solicitor , bite the bullet and credit card the bill and see where Ds and I stand

seasidesally Fri 10-Jun-16 22:53:26

thats a shame about PIP/DLA

AliceInUnderpants Fri 10-Jun-16 23:52:50

DLA is based on the symptoms, not the condition. If your DS has significantly more care or mobility issues than a 'normal' child his age, he could be entitled to something.

TheNaze73 Sat 11-Jun-16 00:07:50

The circumstances aren't great but, how can you expect maintenance from someone who isn't earning??

lalalalyra Sat 11-Jun-16 00:15:46

You need to relook into DLA. If your son has care needs over and above a child his age would be expected to have then he's entitled. It's not about the condition, it's about the care. Speak to someone at CAB or, if you can, one of the charities that specialise in his condition and see if they can help you with the forms.

Chris1234567890 Sat 11-Jun-16 01:04:14

Wow! Mortgage £1000 a month?! How on earth were you awarded the house with that outlay ?
As the history here is a bit bitty (and sorry for saying, quite possibly very 'selective' ) there's a few assumptions that need clarifying.
Id guess your initial divorce and property settlement must have been awarded on a large maintenance award from ex? No court would saddle a single parent with £1k a month mortgage in any other circumstances except a large maintenance settlement to support it.

Just rewinding, so let's say at the time of divorce your ex was unemployed. Quite simply, unless you could show you could support the property (comfortably) with your own income, the court would have advised it be sold. They may then have awarded 100% of the equity to you, to ensure secure housing for the children, but again it's all down to the figures involved. But 'awarding' a £1k a month debt, isn't what courts do to single part time working parents.

You may be divorced but the same principles apply. If you can't afford it, then it must be sold and a cheaper option found. If your ex is indeed about to be unemployed, then that's all there is to it. It's all about your affordability, so he's given you notice to start getting your head round that. (The shit could have said nothing then one morning simply stopped, but hey, let's not split hairs, how dare the goose stop laying?)

New partner is a totally separate issue, but whatever you decide, I'd anticipate one hell of a fight to stop you relocating the children out of the country.
What I'm always concerned about though with questions like this is, so many women want to cut out that wart that was the ex, to start a new life with lovely new 'daddy'.
If you were truly putting the children first, surely remaining within accessible area to their father would be no 1 priority? Or is he now just a waste of space whose about to get in the way of your romantic new life dreams?
You picked him. You chose to have children with him. Fathers are not warts to be removed in the most convenient and cheapest way possible to yourself.

GraysAnalogy Sat 11-Jun-16 01:39:49

If he can't pay you he can't pay you, it sucks but it's very possible that you won't get money from him so it might be good to look at over avenues. Personally I'd be wanting to move somewhere cheaper for a start, although the upheaval would be huge.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now