To ask DH not to take on additional study commitments?

[Fitzers]

DH travels abroad regularly with work. It's not too bad at the moment but it tends to be for a couple of nights every second or third week and travel time adds another night or two on as he has to leave early/come home late. I've recently gone back to work full time and we have a one year old and a five year old. The one year old isn't sleeping well at present and most nights we are woken up a few times and we take it in turns to try and settle her. My new job is a promotion and involves a completely new role in a new organisation and high expectations.

Anyway to get to the point, I noticed DH had a copy of his employers third level fee refund policy on the kitchen table so I asked was he planning to look into further studies. We've been through this before, as before we had kids he did a graduate qualification that involved weekends etc but that as I say was prior to kids and all that comes with it. He has no firm plans at the moment re what he might do but whatever it is he acknowledges that it will more than likely involve weekend/evening attendance and clearly time for studying and assessments etc. He was planning to discuss it with me before signing up to anything and was only in the initial stages of looking into it.

He just wants to do it out of interest and perhaps future career prospects but it's not driven by any immediate need, he already has a number of high level qualifications. I'd be interested in further studies myself but wouldn't even contemplate it at this point as I've so much going on. Am I being unreasonable to want him to put it off for another year? I've been knocked sideways by the impact of juggling work and the kids and he is great when he is home and everything is split very evenly but when he's away it is hard. The other side of that of course is that if I was a single Mum id just have to get on with it all the time so perhaps I am being a bit selfish (he hasn't said this at all, it's just what I feel).

[LineyReborn]

No, you're not being selfish at all, don't be daft. You're working full-time. The kids are little.

[BayLeaves]

YANBU. I convinced my husband not to do a PhD right after his Masters degree as DS was only about 1 year old at the time. We were both finishing up our MSc degrees when DS1 was born and while I supported him to put the hours in while I looked after the baby alone in the evenings and on weekends, I didn't get the same level of support from him, mainly because I was breastfeeding and couldn't get much time alone. So I ended up abandoning my MSc and I must admit I felt pretty jealous and frustrated when I attended his graduation ceremony.

IMO it's not really fair if one person gets to follow their hopes and dreams at the expense of their spouse and kids... Unless you are both willing to work out an arrangement that works for everyone without one person being overworked and not getting any rest. I essentially see it as a leisure pursuit.

[Fitzers]

Thanks Liney, I admit my initial reaction was to wonder if he'd lost his reason altogether!

I agree BayLeaves that I see it as a leisure pursuit too, almost like a hobby. Ok it's not quite the same but it isn't driven by a need to do this right now, just an interest.

The baby isn't always a bad sleeper but even without that the fact he's away with work quite a bit is enough as far as I'm concerned.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

From the other side, people who study with very young children are rarely able to make a full commitment to their work, which suffers as a consequence.

[LineyReborn]

And OP, it's not like you need to 'support your husband's career' à la Stepford Wife. You are working full-time and have your own educational aspirations. The children are yours, jointly.

You both have equal dibs on further studies.

[Fitzers]

Indeed Liney and he is very supportive generally. I do think in this case, as he is away so much, it should be me that has priority for further studies. I know it's work so not fun but neither is studying, it's still a break from the day to day though and leaves the other person with all the work on the home front. I'm not going to take on studying as well though, way too much on.