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To still be resentful about this

(18 Posts)
MeMyMoMoon Fri 10-Jun-16 08:50:59

A little while ago I moved in with a good friend, who was in a LTR with a man who lived abroad. His plan was always to come to the UK to be with her (they were a few months into their relationship, early 20s) but she was adamant that she didn't want them to live together and only wanted a 2 bed house. He arrived about 2 months into our house contract and lived with us full-time for 2 months, perhaps more. He then found his own room bit was always round the house. I was still paying half the rent and half the bills. Eventually he moved back to his home country a few months later. They broke up shortly after when she moved away with work and decided she wanted to live independently. AIBU to still be slightly resentful about this and feel very used?! I did not get an apology even though I very in characteristically kicked off after enduring months of the same behaviour. Originally she had promised to find him a place straight away but that was never going to happen. We are still friends but when I really focus on this it consumes me! I would never ever be able to treat someone like this. Sometimes I'm tempted to just drop her...

MeMyMoMoon Fri 10-Jun-16 08:51:48

He also lived in the house by himself when I was away which I was never consulted about.

MeMyMoMoon Fri 10-Jun-16 08:58:08

Perhaps I am actually... And a bit bitter! Just the more I think about it the angrier I get, she has come off very lightly and didn't ever lose face by apologising!

RhiWrites Fri 10-Jun-16 09:00:58

It's annoying but why didn't you say anything at the time?

I've had friends move lovers in and it is a pain. Your bills go up and they are taking up space but paying for nothing.

I think anyone living with friends should agree a limit on overnight guests.

MeMyMoMoon Fri 10-Jun-16 09:01:58

I did, kind comments at first and then more pointed ones until I finally reached breaking point. But she stubbornly ignored them until I cracked basucally!

LineyReborn Fri 10-Jun-16 09:09:40

Well, the friend basically misled you, ripped you off financially, made you feel uncomfortable and crowded out in your own home, refused to communicate about it and wound you up.

I'm not surprised you're pissed off at this supremely selfish individual.

If this is her character I'd steer clear. She'll do something selfish again. It's in her nature.

branofthemist Fri 10-Jun-16 09:09:48

,Yabu to still feel resentful. But that's just my opinion. How long ago is 'a little while'.

The situation was resolved. He moved out.

As soon as he moved in you should have spoken to about splitting costs three ways, if that was your issue.

branofthemist Fri 10-Jun-16 09:10:28

Oh and while I think Yabu to still be holding on to bad feelings, I wouldn't think ywbu to feel it was the end of your friendship

MeMyMoMoon Fri 10-Jun-16 09:12:33

It all happened about a year ago. We have had some really good times since then. But deep down I do feel, rightly or wrongly, that by continuing the friendship I am condoning her behaviour. I don't know. At times I am tempted to just completely cut her off actually!

MeMyMoMoon Fri 10-Jun-16 09:13:21

Yes I did suggest everything about costs but didn't push it when it was clear that it wasn't going to happen.

branofthemist Fri 10-Jun-16 09:19:01

Yes I did suggest everything about costs but didn't push it when it was clear that it wasn't going to happen.

that was your mistake. He wasn't on your rental agreement so, should he have even been living there?

At times I am tempted to just completely cut her off actually!

This I would do. You feel she took advantage and used you. Do you really want to be friend with her.

Holding resentment for a year, is silly because it's not doing anything to her. Only you. So it's not helpful or productive. Maybe ending the friendship would resolve your feelings.

whois Fri 10-Jun-16 09:24:11

Well it does all sound very annoying and she treated you badly - however I don't think anything too bad happened to you to be feeling so resentful and angry a year later.

If you can't let it go, then let the friendship go.

I don't think you're ever going to get an apology - in her mind she probably did exactly what you asked, moved him or when you said frankly it was a problem.

dowhatnow Fri 10-Jun-16 09:25:09

Her plans changed. Her feelings changed.
Yanbu to feel pissed off but she is entitled to change her mind.

I think the key to how I would feel about moving forward would be her attitude. She should have been apologetic and at least understanding about your feelings on the goalposts being moved.

blitheringbuzzards1234 Fri 10-Jun-16 09:26:40

It's a shame to still feel this way but with the passage of time it'll probably fade away. Some people will always take advantage I'm afraid. I think the best thing is to take a leaf out of her book and use in a 'how not to behave' manner. Loads of other things will happen in your life and this'll become 'just one of those things'.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Fri 10-Jun-16 09:35:36

Have I missed the announcement? It would appear to be 'Molehills to Mountains Day'.

It was trivial, it was year ago. FGS

RNBrie Fri 10-Jun-16 09:40:42

I had this happen, we'd even agreed in advance "no boyfriends moving in". Within three months she'd met someone and moved him in. I moved out at the end of the 6 months and we are no longer friends.

I think you need to move on. Either forgive and forget and stay friends or decide you've been badly treated by someone with no respect for you and reduce contact.

There's no point being friends with someone you secretly resent.

MumOnACornishFarm Fri 10-Jun-16 09:52:45

I think ExtraHotLatte is being a bit bloody harsh.
YANBU. Your friend clearly was selfish, but it sounds like you didn't stick up for yourself very well at the time, and that's always irritating after the fact. I think lots of us have had a very selfish friend and once we understand their character we can still maintain a friendship, whilst being wary of the potential behaviour we know they are capable of. It sounds like you otherwise have a valuable friendship and I think it would be a shame to lose that entirely.
Why don't you try talking to her, explain that you really value her friendship but you feel like there's unfinished business which is niggling you. You might be surprised and find she's felt very sorry in the meantime but maybe she thought it was a case if least said soonest mended (as my mum says), or something. If she's completely dismissive of your feelings then and now, then you know she's just a crap 'friend' and you can walk away without dilemma. But you might just be able to get some resolution to your annoyance and keep a friend you seem to enjoy being around.
Just don't ever live with her again. wink

eyebrowse Fri 10-Jun-16 10:10:23

It sounds from the facts you have written that the relationship was very precarious and your friend was not totally in control of her boyfriends movements and the fact you were inconvenienced was not deliberate. This seems quite likely given people often don't know how relationships will pan out and fluid house shares are very common because of this

However from the tone of your posts it seems like she deliberately did not take your feelings into account. If this is the case then you need to take this into account in future dealings with her. It might just be the case that you are overdwelling on the issue. Perhaps it would help to talk it through with her?

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