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To not want a stranger in our home while we are on holiday?

(94 Posts)
AugustRose Thu 09-Jun-16 21:04:36

We live rurally in a farmhouse and have a long term friend who lives in the city. He comes to stay with us several times a year and in the past he has stayed in the house while were away.

Last time we found out that his daughter had come to stay for a few days, that's fine as we know her but we only found out because DD1 discovered a sock in her bed that wasn't hers. On that occasion he also invited his sister, although I think that was just for the day. We also remember one other occasion from the time before that he had a previous girlfriend stay without us knowing beforehand.

We are going on holiday soon but this time DS1 (19) is staying behind, he will be at work. Despite this we asked if our friend would like to come as he has a thesis to write and we thought the quiet would help. DS is OK with this as he knows him well.

However, the friend asked if he could bring his new girlfriend. He hadn't mentioned this on the phone to DH but 'confirmed' her visit in an e-mail yesterday. Now, we have never met this girlfriend who he has only known a couple of months, and don't think it would be fair on DS to have someone in the house that he doesn't know, especially as he may be at work when she arrives, so we said no. The friend has taken a big huff with us as he 'cannot be away from her for a whole week' and is surprised by our reaction.

Our reaction is simply that no, not on this occasion but she is welcome to come and visit when we get home. We are more bothered that he told her she could come without even asking us first but he thinks we are the ones being unreasonable.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Thu 09-Jun-16 21:07:56

You're well within your rights to tell him she can't come.

He's having a hissy fit as he cant be away from her for a week?hmm,tit!

sleepwhenidie Thu 09-Jun-16 21:11:04

You are well within your rights and the friend should have mentioned the visitors he had on previous visits, and cleared it with you in advance of inviting gf this time, but I don't really understand why you don't want her there. What exactly are you worried about?

DoreenLethal Thu 09-Jun-16 21:15:18

Why do you keep inviting this pisstaker?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 09-Jun-16 21:17:36


I'd you invite him, his partner should be welcome too.

AnyFucker Thu 09-Jun-16 21:21:45

What is this bloke, some kind of unpaid house sitter or is he a charity case ?

I don't get lending your house to someone at all.

AugustRose Thu 09-Jun-16 21:22:41

Really Through a partner who we have never met and he's only known such a short time. We invited him, no-one else.

I'm not worried, I'm annoyed as I believe if DS wasn't going to be here, he would have brought her without telling us and that he seems our home as a nice place for a break, rather than coming to visit us. So yes Doreen he is becoming a pisstaker.

AnyFucker Thu 09-Jun-16 21:23:28

But he isn't coming to "visit" because you and he both know you will be away confused

KayTee87 Thu 09-Jun-16 21:23:41

I don't understand why you keep inviting him?

NerrSnerr Thu 09-Jun-16 21:25:06

Why does he come to visit while you're away? Is he house sitting?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 09-Jun-16 21:26:39

Then dont ask him to stay in your home, if he isn't allowed to treat it as his home confused.

sleepwhenidie Thu 09-Jun-16 21:26:47

Of course he sees your home as a nice place for a break, why else would he come when you aren't there confused?

AugustRose Thu 09-Jun-16 21:28:37

AnyFucker he's neither, we don't 'need' him to come and if we only invited him when we went on holiday then, yes we would be the ones taking the piss. But he comes 3/4 times a year because we thought he liked spending time with our family, DC all love him dearly.

He's been doing a PhD but gets easily distracted at home, so the idea was to give him the time to write.

sleepwhenidie Thu 09-Jun-16 21:28:45

If I invited a friend to stay in my house whilst I was away (which we do frequently), then I want them to enjoy it and wouldn't expect them to have to check with me before having their own guests - I would expect them to strip beds and clean rather than leaving dirty socks behind but that's a separate thing grin

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 09-Jun-16 21:29:57

I think if i were your mate, I'd rather stay in my own place in the city, with my girlfriend. Rather than graciously been allowed a week in the country without my girlfriend .

Kidnapped Thu 09-Jun-16 21:30:18

The OP doesn't need a housesitter. She only invited him so that he could get his thesis done with some peace and quiet in the countryside.

Presumably he didn't change the sheets if your daughter found someone else's sock in her bed? That's pretty crappy behaviour right there.

He seems quite entitled. Like he thinks of the house as partly his.

Keep it as friends only when you are there from now on.

VestalVirgin Thu 09-Jun-16 21:30:26

Last time we found out that his daughter had come to stay for a few days, that's fine as we know her but we only found out because DD1 discovered a sock in her bed that wasn't hers.


If I found that someone had slept in my bed during my absence, without my consent, the person responsible for that would never, never, never, never, never ever be invited again. Never ever.

There is things one just does NOT do. Did they change the sheets, even, or did they let your DD sleep in a bed someone else had used? confused

tigermoll Thu 09-Jun-16 21:30:53

Gross. Your DS is expected to share his home with a shagging couple? Couples are the WORST people to live with. (Can you tell I've lived in a lot of shared houses?)

YANBU to say that whoever you like can't come to your house. It's your house. You extended the offer to an old friend, with the idea that he might want to get some work done. You were being nice -- he doesn't have an expectation that he can come at all, let alone bring his choice of companions. Tell him 'that doesn't work for me' grin

AugustRose Thu 09-Jun-16 21:31:28

So it seems that AIBU for not wanting a stranger in my house when I'm not there and only DS is, OK.

Pearlman Thu 09-Jun-16 21:32:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EyefulTower Thu 09-Jun-16 21:33:02

I'm surprised you invited him again after finding out he abused your trust the last few times. What did you expect? He clearly thinks your house is his to do as he likes in while he's there. Stop lending him your house!

AnyFucker Thu 09-Jun-16 21:33:10

What/who distracts him at home ?

You sound like Lady Bloody Bountiful to me, bestowing the gift of staying at your house to the undertrodden

Except it comes with conditions.

tigermoll Thu 09-Jun-16 21:38:31

Except it comes with conditions

AF, usually I agree with you wholeheartedly, but I think that some 'conditions' in this instance are acceptable. I used to housesit for a friend, and one of the conditions was me not bringing random internet dates to the house. Fair enough -- I could be all humpty about that, or I could decline to stay at all, but what I couldn't do was insist that she allowed me into her home on my conditions, not hers.

Mycraneisfixed Thu 09-Jun-16 21:39:22

YANBU. He's got a damn cheek!

AugustRose Thu 09-Jun-16 21:41:18

AnyFucker you are talking shit. I'm not bestowing my house as a gift. We have simply realised that he's takig the piss a bit and have raised it with him. He clearly doesn't see it as we do, and neither do you, fair enough.

As for the changing of sheets, no he didn't. DD found the sock the following morning so had been sleeping in the bed before we realised.

Taking a stranger to stay in a friend's house is just not something we would do, especially with DS here.

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