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Are we BU or are they?

(204 Posts)
yorkshapudding Thu 09-Jun-16 19:38:39

In a weeks time DH is going away for a couple of days to attend a good friends wedding a few hours drive away (I'm not able to go due to work), this has been planned for well over a year. A week ago he had a text from a mutual friend of the B&G who is also going to the wedding saying that since he and his partner don't drive they had "sort of assumed" that they would get a lift with DH but wanted to check this was ok with him. No mention of petrol money. DH was a bit put out by the assumption but isn't one to take offence easily and replied saying ok but you'll have to make your way to ours (they aren't local to us, they live in a city about 1.5 hrs drive away from us and not on the way to the wedding location) and will need you to chip in for fuel. Friend replies "ok will meet at your house just let us know what time". DH says they need to leave at 5am to make it to the wedding. No response from friend. DH assumes all fine.

Today DH receives another text from friend "is it cool if we stay at yours the night before the wedding as we can't get there for 5am". DH and I are not keen on this idea for a number of reasons. Firstly and most importantly, immediately after the wedding DH will be going away for work for three weeks so we were hoping to spend some quality time just him, me and DD (2.5). I also have a particularly manic week at work that week due to a large event I'm organising and could really do without entertaining midweek overnight guests. Also, I dont fancy trying to keep a toddler asleep through the sound of three people getting up at 4am, using bathrooms, wandering about etc and then getting up for work myself at 6.30am. So DH emails friend, explains the above and suggests they stay with friends parents (who live a 5 minute drive from us) and he'll pick them up in the morning on the way to the wedding. Friend texts back saying that "doesn't work" for him as he's recently fallen out with his parents and isn't speaking to them.

AIBU and a complete cow to think that this is not our problem? DH thinks he should tell them they need to find a hotel local to us and he'll collect them and drive them to the wedding as agreed or if they don't want to do that they can make their own travel arrangements. They both have good jobs so as far as we are aware money is not an issue. My gut reaction is that they're cheeky feckers and DH is right but we're both quite stressed at the moment due to work and illness on both sides of the family so just not sure whether we're being unduly harsh.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Thu 09-Jun-16 19:41:18

I'd scrap the whole idea and your DH goes alone.

whois Thu 09-Jun-16 19:41:21

Just reply "sorry not possible to stay at the moment - if you book into [near by travel lodge] we'll pick you up at 5.00 am and drive up together."

ANiceSliceOfCake Thu 09-Jun-16 19:42:04

People like this drive me mad. They just arnt thinking about you. Just keep saying sorry that won't work. Leave them to it.

MoreGilmoreGirls Thu 09-Jun-16 19:45:02

Agreed YANBU. He's offered a lift which is pretty nice of him as it is, they need to get a hotel.

JudgeLionelNutmeg Thu 09-Jun-16 19:46:56

YANBU - Definitely not your problem and you are not being harsh. Your DH should do as he thinks and suggest to them that they get a hotel. If they kick up a fuss (which they shouldn't do as your DH is doing them a massive favour by giving them a lift) then they make their own way to the wedding.

NavyAndWhite Thu 09-Jun-16 19:49:18

Oh blimey I was going to say that although it's not ideal I would do it!

It seems a bit mean really.

biscuitkumquat Thu 09-Jun-16 19:49:25

Your DH has been more than accommodating. If, in the last text, you explained that they couldn't stay at yours, I wouldn't do anything more, leave it a couple of days and send another text asking where they'd like picked up from.

If they ask to stay again, your DH just has to say, "No, I'm sorry, I did say that wouldn't work for us". It's not up to your DH to sort out their accommodation, they're grown ups.

yorkshapudding Thu 09-Jun-16 19:49:58

Very relieved by these responses. I know I have a tendency to overreact to stuff when I'm under stress so just wanted an objective view. Part of me thinks, it's only one night should we just suck it up for the sake of friendship but thr other part of me thinks "grow up and sort it yourselves". DH has known this friend for many years and I'm fond of him myself but he has form for being a bit of a man child and expecting others to organise his life for him. To be honest, there's so much going on at the moment I can't be bothered to try to please everybody.

NavyAndWhite Thu 09-Jun-16 19:52:03

As he's a good friend and DH has known him for a long time I think it's strange to tell him he will have to stay at a hotel.

I couldn't.

NewIdeasToday Thu 09-Jun-16 19:52:31

I'd just reply saying sorry that it's not going to work out to give you a lift from here. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding.

If you don't reply at all, the danger is that they just assume they can stay with you.

SpongeCakeBigPants Thu 09-Jun-16 19:52:34

Nope YANBU. Stand your ground. You've offered them a lift, it's up to them to sort out a bed for the night. I would simply say 'well, as explained, it's not possible to stay the night with us so just let me know where you'll be staying and

yorkshapudding Thu 09-Jun-16 19:52:49

Navy, I completely take your point and I do feel a bit mean blush

If DH wasn't going away and it wasn't such a busy week for me I would have agreed immediately as I hate confrontation or awkwardness.

SpongeCakeBigPants Thu 09-Jun-16 19:53:52

Posted too soon!

...and I'll collect you in the morning'

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc Thu 09-Jun-16 19:54:03

YANBU, and not your problem to sort out.

DeathStare Thu 09-Jun-16 19:54:32

* I wouldn't do anything more, leave it a couple of days and send another text asking where they'd like picked up from.*

I wouldn't ask where they want to be picked up from. I suspect this friend may reply saying their house, taking it as an offer that if they can't stay at your house your DH will pick them up from home!

NavyAndWhite Thu 09-Jun-16 19:55:21

If the friend stays at home he's going to have to get at 3am to ready!

I know it's not your problem but sometimes I think it's nice to be nice.

Choceeclair123 Thu 09-Jun-16 19:59:11

If it was me I'd just let them stay for the night but make it clear they'll need to sort themselves out / arrange meals etc as you're very busy.

ScrewyMcScrewup Thu 09-Jun-16 20:00:52

God no, YANBU. Cheeky feckers.

FastWindow Thu 09-Jun-16 20:06:30

You make it clear that at any other time it would have been fine but not this time. Dont apologise, dont explain. If they continue to press the issue they are incredibly rude and the offer of a lift should also be withdrawn (but as that would cause your dh a hard time at the wedding, i would probably say he'll have to do the lift for his own enjoyment's sake. It'll be a 'fun' journey for him...

gamerchick Thu 09-Jun-16 20:07:02

Tell them to let you know when they've found somewhere to stay as they can't stay at yours and leave the ball in their court.

Don't suggest places, it's not your problem.

AyeAmarok Thu 09-Jun-16 20:07:08

Yeah, they're cheeky and lazy.

Your reasons are perfectly valid.

RubbishMantra Thu 09-Jun-16 20:08:09

YANBU, at all.

DH has already offered to provide transport. They should book a Travelodge or similar.

Also begs the question, where do they expect to stay the night after the wedding celebrations? Your house I'd presume.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 09-Jun-16 20:10:37


It won't hurt you to be hospitable with a 5 am start.

GreenShadow Thu 09-Jun-16 20:11:56

I must admit if I wanted to depart at 5am, I would probably expect the friends to stay overnight so that you can make sure they are there on time and ready to go. I do appreciate that your circumstances make this option less welcome.

I certainly don't think they are cheeky asking if they can stay - I probably would have done in their shoes too. It only gets cheeky if they then don't take no for an answer.

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