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AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

(333 Posts)
Nephilim1964 Thu 09-Jun-16 19:29:54

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

bittapitta Thu 09-Jun-16 19:33:13

So you left your 14yo daughter (with her father?) in London and a few years later hook up with a man more or less her age?

LaurieFairyCake Thu 09-Jun-16 19:36:50

Yes, you're embarrassing yourself. 24 and 50 is an inappropriate age gap.

Half your age plus 7 is the minimum.

I couldn't even imagine getting off with a person that young and I'm 5 years younger than you.

John4703 Thu 09-Jun-16 19:37:03

The part of your post that I feel is significant is
"was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in."
I feel that if your boyfriend's family accept you then things can't be all wrong.

Arfarfanarf Thu 09-Jun-16 19:37:34

It's never justified to be horrible to someone because they make a choice that you don't think they ought to. I think that your daughter should want you to be happy and not take it upon herself to decide your boundaries.

Why is she so angry? Is it just his age or is she worried he is using you, or that you'll be hurt in some other way, say if he wants to find someone to have children with in the future?

You have to live in the now, you can't say no thanks to a bit of fun and happiness because of what may or may not happen five or ten years down the line.

If your daughter expects your life to revolve around her needs, she's a brat. If otoh she's genuinely worried, she should talk to you not be stupid on facebook.

Nephilim1964 Thu 09-Jun-16 19:37:54

She stayed with her father as she's at a good school and has sporting commitments. I didn't want to disrupt her education. She's a lovely girl and is happy where she is. Her father and I lived fairly close to each other.

schokolade Thu 09-Jun-16 19:38:09

Bit harsh don't you think bitta

My mum has a younger boyfriend. It's weird but you get used to it.

seasidesally Thu 09-Jun-16 19:40:03

op i hope you have a thick skin and a hard hat

BranTriLlygaid Thu 09-Jun-16 19:40:54

Is this the same daughter you left? I would assume this is bigger issues coming out, she must have be suffering emotionally all these years. I'd be embarrassed too if it was my mum, even without being left when I probably most needed my mother.

wheresthel1ght Thu 09-Jun-16 19:41:14

My stbxh was 23 years older than me so I don't see the age gap is all that bad to be honest! Our impending divorce has nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with him being an abusive arse!

I think your daughter is being a selfish bitch and would probably be reacting this way regardless of who you were with.

I am sorry she is being so mean but depending on how you feel about the new boyfriend maybe a move back to familiar faces is needed?

schokolade Thu 09-Jun-16 19:41:57

She was with her father, not slumming it!

And it's the other DD anyway.

whois Thu 09-Jun-16 19:42:36

So you left your 14yo daughter (with her father?) in London and a few years later hook up with a man more or less her age?

WTF? This can't be for real.

IcingandSlicing Thu 09-Jun-16 19:43:12

Wow, you're brave!
I think YABU to expect her to accept it. She is entitled to her own opinion. Obviously she finds it unacceptable and probably embarrassing for her family.
On the other hand I can't blame you for proceeding with your life after your kids are grown up and you've been single.

Nabootique Thu 09-Jun-16 19:43:53

I think your daughter is being unreasonable, especially after everything you've done for her. You've been a wonderful mother and you're allowed to have your own happiness.

memyselfandaye Thu 09-Jun-16 19:44:40

I would move back to be near my teenage daughter if I was you, the one that probably needed you more than the grown up daughter did.

razmataz Thu 09-Jun-16 19:45:13

Sorry I'm confused, which daughter is the one who has reacted badly? Is it the 14 year old daughter, or the eldest one who has your GC and you moved to help after her divorce?

If so, is this boyfriend younger than her? To be honest in her situation I don't know how I'd feel, it seems incredibly weird and inappropriate.

NeedACleverNN Thu 09-Jun-16 19:45:17

Age is but a number when you are both consenting adults

Your daughter is being completely unreasonable.

A friend of mine got with her dads best mate when she was 18 and he was 50+. He had helped raise her aswell as her dad was a single parent. Now THAT was gross.

What your doing is fine. I feel sorry for you. Everyone should have a chance at happiness and if you find it with him good for you. Hopefully your daughter will come around but you have to accept she may never approve

Nephilim1964 Thu 09-Jun-16 19:46:22

Just to clarify, the daughter that is being unkind is the daughter that I gave up everything for 2 years ago and is in her 30s. My youngest daughter who is now 16, has met my boyfriend, and to use her words, thinks it's 'weird but cool.' smile

Littlepeople12345 Thu 09-Jun-16 19:48:51

I can't understand moving and leaving a 14 year old to be closer to your adult DD. Sounds as though your life has been pretty meh since moving.

Littlepeople12345 Thu 09-Jun-16 19:50:27

I'd me over the moon if my mum met someone, I wouldn't care how old they were either. Your DD sounds like a brat.

NeedACleverNN Thu 09-Jun-16 19:51:23

It's not so unbelievable to leave a settled 14 year old who is in school, has friends and is happy with her dad!

Marmalade85 Thu 09-Jun-16 19:54:23

My sister is 28 and her partner is 54. They have been together 6 years and are getting married in September. We all found it weird but you get used to it. He even has 3 daughters around my sister's age but they still don't accept her.

FellOutOfBed2wice Thu 09-Jun-16 19:55:27

If this was the other way around no one would care a jot. A girl I was at school with is now 31 with a 53 year old husband, no one cares. Conversely my husbands 29 year old best friend has a 42 year old girlfriend and his mum cried when she found out. It's a weird double standard. Ignore, your DD is thoroughly out of order.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 09-Jun-16 19:57:24

None of the last two examples have an age gap the same size though

24 and 50 is a 26 year age gap. I think that's too large and don't think it makes a difference which sex is the oldest.

memyselfandaye Thu 09-Jun-16 19:57:30

To another part of the country though Need?

What 14yr old would genuinely be happy for one of their parents to move that far away?

I think do what you want with regards to the boyfriend, it's your life, but life sounds like it hasn't been great since you up sticks, so if I was you I would want to be with my teenager.

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