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Should DH deal with this?

(28 Posts)
gandalf456 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:02:59

Two things but similar theme.

Firstly, a friend has invited us to go to a party. I can't go as I'm working late so I texted to tell her that we couldn't make it. She texts back and asks if DH and the kids would still like to come and I say I'll get him to contact you. DH, who wasn't keen, now says I've put him in a bit of a position and I shouldn't have said that and now I have to think of an excuse for him. I think he should do it, personally.

Secondly, my friend provisionally asked if we could look after her pet while she's on holiday. I said yes but I needed to check the holiday dates in case they clash. She is now assuming that it was a firm yes, which it wasn't but hasn't told me directly but through another friend. I'm pretty sure I'm around for most of the two weeks, bar the last weekend, if not, another friend could help so all is not lost. DH is not keen to have the pet so, again, says I should contact her to call it off. Personally, if he is the one saying no, which he always is, I think he should do it.

I'm getting fed up with looking henpecked and a wimp and saying yes then no because of him.


BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Thu 09-Jun-16 14:09:55

You should mention it to him first before you go telling other people yes! No wonder he is annoyed. Also you are confirming these things so you should be the one to get in touch again, not your DH. Why should he have to be the one to get in touch when it was nothing to do with him in the first place. YABU I'm afraid.

Paulat2112 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:19:46

YABU if my dh did that to me i wouldn't be contacting people to tell them no, he would!

gandalf456 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:19:51

I can't go to the party so the invitation is for him now, not me. It's up to him to decide 'why' he doesn't want to go.

BranTriLlygaid Thu 09-Jun-16 14:21:18

Why do you not discuss things as a couple?? You say yes, he gets annoyed, you're annoyed because he's annoyed hmm. As for the party, why should he go if he doesn't want to? You seem to talk about him like a wilful teenager.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 09-Jun-16 14:24:00

I think YANBU for the first as it is now his invite, and if you'd said no on his behalf he could easily have complained about that instead.

But YABabitU for the second and should have said you needed to check with him first (that wouldn't be being a wimp or henpecked, just normal interaction between partners). I think your friend is also being U for just assuming it's a yes.

gandalf456 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:25:00

He doesn't have to go but I am not his secretary. The only reason why he won't contact the person himself is because it feels awkward. Well, sometimes I feel awkward, too, especially if she is asking if he still wants to go, not me.

We did discuss it but, personally, if he's the one saying no, it sounds better coming from him than me and, if he has strong opinions over something, let him be man enough to express them instead of getting me to do it.

Also, he does tend to have a bit of a thing for saying no to everything, good or bad.

MangoBiscuit Thu 09-Jun-16 14:25:10

The party invite, YANBU. It's an invite for him and the DC. If he doesn't want to go then he needs to decline it himself.

The pet, YABU. If you're having the pet in a home that you share with others, you need to check with them whether they mind before agreeing.

Your DH could always just phone your friend and tell her the pet sitting is off because her pet pisses him off. Given this new situation, it's probably best if he doesn't attend her party in case of an atmosphere. Problem solved! grin

gandalf456 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:28:45

Different friend, regarding the pet, but, yes, I see your point. It is a close friend, though. Someone who I sometimes need to rely on myself. I'm of the opinion that sometimes you have to put yourself out for people a bit. I'd have the pet most of the time, anyway, as it's the school hols and I'm at home.

TheNaze73 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:40:33

YABU, why didn't you talk first?

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 09-Jun-16 14:43:00

YABU - you should ask him before you agree!

gandalf456 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:48:40

We did discuss the party. We were going together but I couldn't get the night off. I told the person having the party we weren't going because I couldn't get the night off. He doesn't want to go on his own but she says he is welcome. Only I'm the one who has to come up with a better excuse. He's not giving me any ideas. Personally, I think it's a bit rude of me to say that and, if he doesn't want to go, he needs to decide what to say.

Re the pet, we had discussed it and I only provisionally said yes but it is someone v close. I feel a bit churlish saying no, especially as it's someone who often does stuff for me, which DH also benefits from. Also, if I do say no, they will know it's not come from me but him as I am pretty easygoing about stuff like this. Again, I cannot come up with an excuse, really.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 09-Jun-16 14:49:39

Personally, if he is the one saying no, which he always is, I think he should do it. I ended a relationship once because he was a 'no' person and I am a 'yes' person. It's exhausting having to talk your partner into completely normal things (like pet-sitting for someone who does you favours).

And to all the YABU people... isn't it normal to say, "I'll check my dates" rather than "I will consult with my illustrious leader". It's pet-sitting not a threesome.

gandalf456 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:50:54

I thought that was illegal, Terry. grin

gandalf456 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:52:54

And, yes, Terry, even if we can make it, I have to twist his arm. He hates the thought of socialising but usually loosens up after a couple of drinks. He doesn't even celebrate his own birthday. Quite honestly, he would spend 365 days a year watching the telly and going to bed at 9.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 09-Jun-16 14:57:29

I thought that was illegal, Terry. Not a threesome with the pet. That would be weird and wrong. grin

DH used to be like this with family events. He used to go one step further and get 'sick' if we had something planned. I used to take the living piss. "I wonder what plague will ravage your body this time?" But then I'm a cow.

LaurieLemons Thu 09-Jun-16 14:58:22

My DP is exactly the same, I think it's hard to understand if you don't live with someone like it.

His parents know he is like this so they deliberately ask me anything instead! Then he complains because I keep making plans for him! I'm on the verge of losing it so no YANBU.

LaurieLemons Thu 09-Jun-16 15:00:15

Yes to the sickness, oh my God I though my DP was the only one who came down with a vague or mysterious pain before any family event.

gandalf456 Thu 09-Jun-16 15:00:35

Yes. They do me too. I am on the verge of directing everyone to him.

LaurieLemons Thu 09-Jun-16 15:03:51

It's very tempting but I haven't yet thought of how to say it without sounding really rude.

Herschellmum Thu 09-Jun-16 15:04:47

Just text back and say he doesn't want to come alone with the kids or that not this time, it's been an exhausting week and he just wants a quiet evening. It's not really difficult to say no.

As for the pet sitting, what pet exactly. I really don't see what the deal is, I dint ask my husband permission for everything nor does he me. Especially if it's doing a something helpful for someone else. However, there have been times when one of us has agreed to do something and after the fact the other has said something to the effect of, let's not do that again, lol. Then totally we respect each other's opinions. Lol.

humblesims Thu 09-Jun-16 15:06:34

Its your friend, just tell her DP says thanks for the invite but he's going to pass on this occasion. You dont need an excuse. She'll understand he feels a bit awkward without you. Agree with the others regarding the pet though.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 09-Jun-16 15:08:08

Its your friend Actually OP says 'a friend' so we have no idea if it's hers, his or joint.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Thu 09-Jun-16 15:16:56

YABU. My dh does this to me, and it infuriates me.

ParadiseCity Thu 09-Jun-16 15:17:08

Hmm, I think if DH told me 'x says you are invited to a party' I'd say 'can you tell x I can't go'. But if x invited me directly I'd reply directly. So I'd expect the same from him in reverse. I'd reply to friend saying 'thanks for inviting DH but he doesn't want to go out partying while I'm busy working away'. Which is fair enough.

With the pet favour though I would really be peed off if DH would not do this. Our lives are one long exchange of favours with friends/family, whether it is childcare/IT/DIY and I couldn't imagine him not mucking in. We both benefit from favours and we both give favours. (Without wanting to get into the threesome comments!!)

Its ok to be an introvert but its not ok to be a joy sucking unhelpful bugger.

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