To not actively encourage dc to have contact with their father?

[Pohara1]

My xp and I split up 8 years ago and we live in different countries. Initially he wanted contact via Facebook but as ds was 2 and dd was 1, I didn't feel it was appropriate. After a temper tantrum, he agreed to phone calls. He would phone whenever he felt like it so I asked that he pick a time and day to call. I said that extra calls would also be fine but that there needed to be a consistent time and day. This seemed to work for a while but then he went back to calling one week, missing the next. Ds was finding this hard to deal with and became destructive, so I told xp to choose - be consistent in contact or be consistent in having none. He chose to be consistent in none. Until a year later when he called during nursery hours to tell me that he was bringing his new partner and her dd on holiday to meet our dc and taking them off for a weekend. I said no. He sends a birthday card for ds, late but he gets one and forgets dds birthday every year for 7years. It's a month after ds.

Dc do talk about him and I have said that if they want contact then I'd do whatever I could to facilitate it. Ds doesn't want any contact. Dd has mentioned it but then she talks herself out of it as 'he can't even be bothered to remember my birthday '. I don't encourage her to want contact. I actually wonder should I defend him, should I leave it and let him defend himself if she meets him in the future. I don't discourage contact either. But I am massively second guessing myself.

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Personally I think you are making the rifht decision.

If you encouragrd then you would be setting them up for disappointment and heartbreak if his past record is anything to go by.

Of course you don't eant to bad mouth their Dad to your kids, so I think taking the neutral stance is the only way you can go!

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Your ex sounds like a nightmare.

[mrsfuzzy]

let them decide, give him one last chance, if he blows it - tough. if he was that bothered about the dc why isn't he making more of an effort or taking it to court etc. as for wanting to rock up and take them on holiday with new gf and her dc after little contact wtf ?

[Pohara1]

I try not to say anything negative about him around dc, however I don't want them to have contact because of his track record, and then I feel selfish and wonder if not encouraging them to have contact is depriving them.

[justmatureenough2bdad]

i don't think you should encourage this...what you should encourage is your dc's confidence in expressing how they feel about it and then support decisions that they take...