to think DP has lied and is financially abusive?

[dondondon99]

Six months ago one of our DC started receiving DLA and I started receiving carers allowance. Before this, the only money I had was child benefit and £350 per month that DP transferred to me for food. So I paid for all food, my bills (phone, credit card, sofa, store card), school trips, clothes, activities, birthday and Christmas presents and parties out of this. I was really struggling to the point I was walking around with wet feet because my shoes had holes in but I couldn't afford to replace them. When DD started receiving DLA, DP said he would reduce the food money to £250 per month (for two adults and three DC) as I now had other money coming in (tax credits now, also.)

He said this was also because now I received tax credits, he couldn't do over time anymore or it would take his earnings over the threshold so he'd be working for free. I put my foot down and said no. I said £250 is not enough for food for us all and that it is very little out of his £39,000 salary to contribute when he has no other major expenses. He wasn't happy but kept transferring the usual amount.

However since then he's still been doing at least three days over time per month which says to me he was lying about it taking us over the tax credits threshold and that he was just trying to withhold more money. I gave up my career to be a SAHM and have no pension and feel completely financially cut out of the relationship.

Aibu to think he is being a shit here? He contributes £400 p/m to his pension, BTW.

[SaveSomeSpendSome]

£400 a month to his pension???? Wow that a lot!

With regards to tax credits, when you renew it every year if you have done overtime and therefore been overpaid then you will owe some of it or all of it back!

But you wont know how much you will have to pay back until you renew it and submit the figures to tax credits from your husbands p60.

[FreyaFriday]

It does sound as though he's being a shit, OP, yes. Why do you have separate finances?

[DuckAndPancakes]

What else does he spend his money on?
Mortgage payments? Council tax? Gas/electric/water etc?
I think it's somewhat dependent on where his other money is going and whether or not he'd refuse you money for shoes that you needed?

[TheSnowFairy]

What is he paying for?

Less than 10% of his wages goes to you - that is not on.

I would be fighting for a joint account if I were you.

[PurpleWithRed]

Yes he is being a shit. You aren't married? Is he the father of your children?

[OfficiallyUnofficial]

Sorry but:

ALL money in one joint account
Money into another account to cover the monthly bills (nursery, electric, mortgage etc)
Money for average spend on food, kids set activities, other regular expenditure separated.

Remaining amount to be split into JOINT savings and two equal amounts of "fun" money.

Oh and yes you are getting royally screwed and will get in the shit with Tax Credits I suspect.

[dondondon99]

Will I be responsible for paying it back if it's paid into my account or will he because it's his claim for working tax credits? He got the renewal form this week

He pays rent @ £400, his phone bill, utilities and car insurance and costs. I forgot to say I also pay for petrol. He always insists he is broke.

[dondondon99]

Yes he's the father of all three children. He wouldn't have worked over time for free so I think he was lying in the first place about it taking him over the threshold.

[Help2016]

39000 salary will get you about £20 per week tax credits

[dondondon99]

Not with DLA, Help. It's 55 p/w.

[DuckAndPancakes]

You are both responsible if living together and on a joint claim. If it's not repaid, they'll chase you both.

£400 for rent?! Where do you live and when can I move there...(ha)

Does he have debts that you're unaware of maybe? If so I certainly don't think it's a good idea for you to have joint finances, just to go against the general consensus. Big credit card and loan bills/payments a month? Potential drug/alcohol problem?

[purplefox]

You've posted this before?

[dondondon99]

No drugs drink or gambling. I supported him while he cleared his debts pre-DC

[Mummyme1987]

Help, more as she has a dd who gets dla. Yes he's an arse who is not playing fair with money.

[OfficiallyUnofficial]

If it's a join claim you will be 50% responsible for paying it back. Though they will recover it from future claims of you have one, so just reducing your claim I think.

I call bollocks to broke, at £39,000 salary that's a take home per month of £2,475.

Being generous with bills at c.£600 pm plus £400 rent, £400 pension and £350 to you that's a leftover of £725 give or take.

I manage £500 nursery a big whack of debt, food fuel and all bills on just under £30k plus tax credits and the kids still get some fun money.

He's taking the piss unless his "costs" are high. What do you mean by "costs"?

[Mummyme1987]

you need to talk about this with him. Why isn't it all family money?

[LizKeen]

This sounds familiar.

Wasn't he supposed to be moving away, or am I getting you confused with another poster?

[minniewinnie]

Hi, I earn just slightly more than your DP and so have a pretty good idea of his take home pay. I assume your DP pays the housing costs and other major bills (council tax, water, electric etc) do you have an idea of how much this might be? I would say just for myself and DH we spend about £250 per month on food. So I can't imagine how your DP thought £250 would cover food for your whole family for a month! Have you thought about about an account which you can use for joint family utilities/bills, a lot of the things you have mentioned are actually family bills and you should not be expected to finance these alone. I would also suggest speaking to him and discussing how financially vulnerable you feel. Assuming you both made the decision for one parent to be a SAHP you should not be penalised and left struggling for the basics!

[dondondon99]

I don't see that he has any other costs. Like you I calculate that even paying all that into his pension leaves him with at least £700 p/m. I booked a weekend away for DDs birthday and you would think that'd mean he'd pay for food or days out while there but no, his wallet remained firmly closed.

[Iknownuffink]

He is taking the piss!

[dondondon99]

He wants me to be a SAHP. I love it but would like to work. However, it's financially impossible. He works shifts so is no help with childcare and it wouldn't be worth me working after childcare expenses. I know he'd then be even tighter with money too.

[dondondon99]

Sometimes I wish he was moving away Liz But no. It's normal for one parent to pay for the birthday party, presents and holiday is it? Especially when it's the non earning parent!

[OfficiallyUnofficial]

Leave him, you'll be better off financially.

Seriously either he shares his salary as family money or he fucks off. He's not only keeping you on ridiculous unnecessary poverty but his children too, what kind of man does that?!

His existence is blocking you from financial freedom, leave him, get a job, claim childcare help on tax credits as a single parent.

[LizKeen]

Of course he wants you to be a SAHP. It absolves him of all caring responsibilities and keeps you in your place. It also enables him to justify hiding money. In his head anyway.

He has no respect for you.

[BurningBridges]

I'm really confused - how on earth did this arrangement come about? Are you both very young, do you not have friends or family? How can you have thought this was ok in the first place?