To make all the decisions without asking DH?(23 Posts)
Our baby was unwell at the weekend, she had a temperature, was crying a lot and refusing to feed. Shes our pfb, neither of us know what we're doing. I asked DH if he thought we should take her to A&E. He said yes if I think that we should.
Every day I ask him what he would like for dinner, sometimes giving a few options. He always says he doesn't mind. I asked him. If he wanted tea or coffee this morning and he said he didn't mind. He doesn't mind what we do at the weekend, which pub we go to, what film we watch etc etc.
You only have to spend an afternoon with his family to see where he got this from.
MIL: what shall we do this afternoon?
FIL: I don't mind, what would you like to do?
MIL: I'm happy to along with whatever you want.
This can go on and on for an hour with no one showing any kind of preference for what they would like to do. I get it. They're all quite insecure and people pleasers, I am too actually, but ffs someone make a decision!!
WIBU to stop asking him about his preferences and do whatever I want in order to avoid the murderous rage at him saying he doesn't mind a million times a day?
I would ask once then if he showed no preference, I would make the decision.
YANBU by the way. That would drive me crazy.
There was a thread on this very recently. One poster said she decided to run with it - she asked once, and if he couldn't express a preference she did everything exactly like she wanted. It lasted a few blissful months, then he copped on.
I would do that - the worst case scenario is that you always get to suit yourself, and you'd still be no worse off.
It's actually rather thoughtless to leave all the decisions for someone else, like he does. It only takes a bit of time and energy to analyse the information
(what are dd's symptoms... or what food is in the fridge) and then formulate a plan, BUT the cumulative effect of this means quite a lot more time has hassle for you than for him. As well as, for serious things like going to hospital or not, leaving the entire pressure of making the correct decision on you.
Small things... fine. If he doesn't care what he eats then cook what you like. Stop even asking if he says he doesn't care three times in a row.
But over bigger things, like going to the hospital or not, and sudden things that crop up (which film to watch that evening) call him out on it. Tell him it's selfish to expect you to make all the decisions and that he can think about it for five minutes and then tell you his.
I have. He gets whatever I fancy making for dinner. If we go out at the weekend, I suggest a place, if I want to go out for dinner I suggest where, if I want take away I decide what. I find if he's truely bothered he'll offer a counter suggestion.
I find if he's truely bothered he'll offer a counter suggestion.
^^this. DH has started offering off the wall suggestions [like a curry for sunday lunch - she's v traditional] to MIL to force her into expressing some sort of preference
That's a good idea. Maybe I should cook something he hates every day until he starts to express a preference.
Something very mushroomy it is!
Oh that is so annoying! One of my friends is like that and shes a lovely person but a bit of a people pleaser and the 'don't mind, whatever you prefer' drives me bonkers.
I also find it lazy - becase deciison making is enery consuming.
When it's just preferences (eg what to have for dinner) then ask him once and if he says he doesn't mind then do whatever you fancy.
If it's bigger decisions however I think he should have to form an opinion. Like taking your DC to the hospital - that's a hard decision, it's not fair for the stressful decisions always to fall to you. And other things like where to go on holiday or which towels to buy, those decisions take quite a lot of research so it's again not fair if they always fall to you because he "doesn't mind".
I bet he can make decisions at work....
My husband is like this and it drives me mad. Thing is sometimes he does mind but doesn't say. So if I say shall we do so and so, if the answer is 'maybe' I now know that means no. Just say sodding no!
My ex was like this. I just started choosing if he didn't have a preference - he soon pulled his socks up and started making decisions when he realised I wasn't going to pander to him!
My dp does this, but only so he can then pick apart my suggestions.
Me: What do you want to do at the weekend?
Dp: Anything you like
Me: Ok, lets go to the beach
Dp: But the beach is really far, the cars playing up and we'll spend a fortune on petrol
Me: Lets stay home then
Dp: I've been home all week, I really want to go out
Me: Lets go into town, get something to eat and go shopping
Dp: But its so busy, so many people, I just want to relax
Me: So where do you want to go?
Dp: I don't know, anything you like
This drives me nuts when it's dinner time and I ask this. I sometimes want him to make a decision over something trivial.... Just because I don't want to feel like it's always my choice. I always give an option too!
Me:Would you like a or b for dinner?
Him: oh I don't mind, you choose.
Me: out of the endless possibilities that could be dinner, I've narrowed it down to TWO choices. FUCKING PICK ONE.
'Scuse the language. But it drives me up the bloody wall!
Dh will say no to all options and then offer nothing himself [blind fury]
Drives me bonkers so I just don't ask.
It has never occurred to me to offer a choice at mealtime.
I do the shopping. I do the week day meal planning. I all the do the mid-week cooking. The family will eat the meal I cook and that's that. DH dies the weekend cooking and the same goes, he decides on the meal.
There is an element here that by asking Your DP every dinner time to make the decision, you are hoping to avoid making the decision yourself. Honestly, just cook the damn Spag Bol instead of the pork chops (or whatever) and don't stress it.
Bigger decisions, that's different. I wouldn't be just asking for a decision from DH - that would just be absolving yourself of the decision, so is no better.
I'd be expecting a discussion on ideas/thoughts so that a joint decision can be made.
Do you think he does it to avoid being wrong if it goes tits up?
So you go to the beach and it rains
Go shopping and it's shut
Pick a restaurant and the meals crap?
My DH does
Me "do you want a drink?"
Him "I had one earlier"
Me "is that a
fucking yes or no?;
I wouldn't even bother consulting someone like that! They can say if not happy!
My DH does this, but knows it drives me nuts so tries harder than in the past. But we went on holiday many years ago with friends and it was a nightmare, they were our shadows followed us everywhere and never made a decision or contribute to where we should eat or visit each day - it was emotionally exhausting and really unfair because if we made the wrong decision they could say it was our fault (they didn't, but we never really knew if they were enjoying their holiday!!). Needless to say we didn't go away with them again!
I agree with Summerville.
I ask my husband what he wants so that I don't have to always do the thinking
He's a 'I don't mind'er because it's easier to say that than to actually think about what to cook/do/go
Tell him he needs to make decisions sometimes so that you don't have to.
Because you won't choose thing that please you, you'll inevitably choose things that you think he'd enjoy also.
MIL does this and it drives me and DH bats.
"Would you like a cup of tea MIL?"
"Are you making one?"
"Um, probably. So is that a yes?"
"Only if <my DH> is having one. Is he having one?"
<I go ask DH. He says yes.>
"Yes, DH is having tea. So you would like tea, yes?"
"Oh yes go on, all right then. Shall I make it?"
<my head explodes>
She's lovely and she thinks she's being polite. It's all I can do not to snap JUST SAY FUCKING YES OR NO at her.
When I see my mother she expects me to take every single decision the whole time we're together. It drives me round the fucking bend. I've reached the point where I will not decide a single thing and we end up going round in circles because she won't either. I just don't see what gives ANYONE the right to abdicate responsibility like this
It is so annoying. I don't want to be responsible for all the decisions, big and small, all the time.
The other night I chose a program to watch because he doesn't mind and he spent the whole time fucking around on twitter not watching. Afterwards he tells me he's not really interested in that particular topic
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