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To apologise, feel guilty and not care

(13 Posts)
wtfisgoingonhere Wed 08-Jun-16 08:26:09

Sorry I think this is going to be a long one, plus know it's not really an AIBU but I just need to get it out

I am depressed, not because I've had a rubbish day or something but clinically, medically depressed

I used to think it was controlled and had odd occasions,blips maybe, but usually I could reason why I felt shitty (I am a logical person, dont like things I can't explain)

I'm struggling at the moment. Not been in work this week and seeing doctor today. My line manager knows my situation but he's on leave so I struggled explaining to someone else why I wasn't coming in

I just feel empty, numb, like nothing is real.
Most of the time I just feel like I don't care, not like I hate anything, just genuinely passively don't care

But I feel guilty, I feel like I should apologise for not being at work, despite the fact I've been feeling progressively worse over several weeks now culminating in me sitting in the toilets crying on Friday

I just feel hopeless, like I'll never be fixed, like this is just how I am

I don't feel up to work or even talking to anyone but I'm scared I can't be fixed and normal

I actually can't remember the last 'good phase' I had

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 08-Jun-16 08:30:54

Don't feel you have to apologise to work. Just say you are sick and give minimum info required until you can discuss with your manager. Then call the doctor and say you need to see someone today to discuss these feelings.

drivingmisspotty Wed 08-Jun-16 08:31:53

flowers

Don't feel guilty about not going in to work. You are ill. Would you feel guilty if it was a broken leg or appendicitis keeping you off work?

I am sorry to hear you are ill, and have been for too long. But you are doing the right thing seeking medical help and treatment. There are effective treatments and this is the start of your journey to having those good times again.

SmallBee Wed 08-Jun-16 08:34:08

You don't need to apologise, you do what you need to do to get well. I second Ghouls suggestion of speaking to a Dr today. Even if you only have a telephone consultation.

wtfisgoingonhere Wed 08-Jun-16 08:58:48

I have got an appointment today, although I had to practically beg for it despite Dr's 'offering' same day appointments if you ring first thing

Despite all the awareness and campaigns I still work with miserable old judgey people people who don't 'get' the whole MH 'thing'

I'm already dredding explaining myself when I'm back at work

I was off in September last year for same reason and this is the only job I've ever been off more than once for this so I'm worried about that too

I know it should be OK but hubby was signed off with depression and his work sacked him and i worry about that too
And the people who regularly bring up the fact they haven't had a day off in a million years at work

wtfisgoingonhere Wed 08-Jun-16 08:59:28

Sorry, I should have started that post with a thank you for your kind words

lifeissweet Wed 08-Jun-16 09:09:26

Hello.

I'm off too. Exactly the same thing.

Last year I was really ill. I was suicidal. I couldn't get out of bed or do anything at all. I had to go and stay with my Mum for a few weeks because I couldn't look after the DC (single parent).

This time has been more slow in coming. I was ok. I thought I was fine. But then gradually, gradually became more and more tearful, less and less rational and now I can't face people or work. I'm not as bad as I was - I can feel that. I'm not totally unable to function, but I don't want to go there again.

I am a teacher - and towards the end of last half term it started to get worse. I started getting behind on my marking. I started to have no motivation and not care (this is not like me. At all) I realised last week that I should be enjoying half term, but I wasn't. Everything felt empty and black. I tried to plan things in the week for me and the children, but nothing appealed. I took them on a day out and pretended to enjoy it. It was exhausting.

So here I am. Off work again. And feeling guilty and letting everyone down and being the flaky unreliable one again. I just feel so ashamed and embarrassed and...well...guilty. Utterly, crushingly guilty.

You are not alone. But that probably doesn't help much.

wtfisgoingonhere Wed 08-Jun-16 09:50:07

life thank you, that does help, knowing someone is feeling the same

I know what you mean, last year it hit me quite suddenly, this time I feel like I've been 'on the edge' for a while, not feeling quite right, getting frustrated with people, not motivated, and yet worried about everything

I'm already worried doctor might sign me off, but then worried about going back to work

I have a fortnight's leave coming up and even planning to do something then (usually we'd go away on hols) is exhausting - I can't make a decision on the simplest thing

SilverDragonfly1 Wed 08-Jun-16 09:54:23

I hear you (both!). It is a horrible illness, made worse by the lack of understanding from the mentally healthy and by the awareness of losing chunks of your life to it.

No advice as such- not sure there could really be any!- but the feelings are normal in this situation. Thinking of you.

BillSykesDog Wed 08-Jun-16 10:19:54

WTF, people who have depression but soldier on, keep on working and keep it together most of the time are bloody heroes. Sometimes it may get to the point where you can't carry on and you need some time off. But most of the time you carry on. That's amazing. Literally just getting up and getting going in the morning is a challenge.

It will get better. I know at the time it can seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but it does get better.

I assume you're on anti-depressants, perhaps they could look at some of the medication for major depression like Venlaflaxine? They worked miracles for me when the first line SSRIs weren't working well.

flowersflowers

lifeissweet Wed 08-Jun-16 10:27:00

Thank you, all.

You made me cry (not that that is difficult)

I'm sorry for hijacking WTF. It just rang so true to where I am right now that I wanted to say 'me too'

I am on fluoxetine. I was on 60mg a day, but my prescription ran out, I didn't have time to get to the doctor's (yes - I know, I know, it's my own fault) and over the last month I have sunk like a stone.

I'm angry with myself because I let that happen, but also because I should surely be better by now? I have had a lot of psychologist intervention, so why am I still so completely useless?

wtfisgoingonhere Wed 08-Jun-16 11:09:14

Thanks all, and life don't worry about hijacking, if I can help someone else whilst wollowing in self pity then that is good

I'm sat waiting to see doctor now, having the usual panic of what to actually say, and then feeling shitty because I was chatting to a new mum, giggling with her baby, then wondering why the fuck I can't just pull it together and get to work

I've given myself a headache just walking here and beating myself up in my head

Idontknowwhoiam Wed 08-Jun-16 11:21:30

I've been off work with depression on 5 separate occasions and the shorted period was 3 months....
I get medicated, counselled and referred to occupational health. They always confirm it's 'real' work are always supportive when I come back and although I've been on abscence stages I've never been sacked.
The lack of feeling is the main symptom for me. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone and I get kind of paranoid that people are talking behind my back.
Good luck at the doctors and I hope your employer is supportive! The samaritans are good and not just for people with suicidal thoughts x

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