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to tell DP he has been lazy today?

(56 Posts)
alificent Tue 07-Jun-16 22:46:05

DP is on day ten of annual leave. Last night he was asleep on the sofa by ten when I got downstairs from putting the four children to bed. He stayed in bed until 8.30 this morning while I had got myself showered and ready, put a load of washing on, made two packed lunches, fed the four month old, got the other three DC up, ready and fed. I took the DC to two separate schools leaving the toddler at home with DP but taking baby because she had a doctor's appointment.

I took baby to the doctors, ran several errands in town and returned home 1.5 hours after I left. Toddler was still in his pj's and DP was still sitting around in his pants. I had to park away from the house because the bin lorry was blocking the road (usually I can be seen driving past to the driveway) and so I approached the house without DP knowing I was back. I could see DS from the street emptying the craft drawers in the kitchen onto the floor and DP was in the other room on his phone.

DS hadn't had breakfast or had his bedtime nappy changed. DP hadn't done anything since I left. I changed both children, made DS breakfast and fed DD then hung the washing out before taking them both out to meet a friend at a local adventure playground. We were gone for three hours and all it seemed DP had managed to do was cut the grass. I then changed and fed the children again before walking the dog to collect the older children from school.

When we returned I made them a snack, hoovered, got the washing in, fed and changed baby, did half hour of ironing, played with the DC outside and then we needed to go food shopping. DP didn't utter a single word during food shopping, he left me to handle the DC and plan all the meals - he just trailed behind with his hands in his pockets.

When we returned he put the shopping away while I fed and changed baby and then I cooked tea while listening to two older DC reading. Baby was sleeping and toddler playing alone so DP had hands in pockets again. During tea I fed baby and helped DS then DP washed up while I played with the DC outside.

I then ran them a bath, washed them all, got pyjamas and clothes for tomorrow ready, read stories to them all and took them all to bed. I now have baby sleeping on me and DP is falling asleep on the sofa, again. I was up with DD at least five times last night and DS three times but still up for the day at 6.45. Aibu to poke him and tell him he's been bloody lazy today and does not have the right to be tired?!

alificent Tue 07-Jun-16 22:48:15

Before I'm told I'm enabling him, I spoke to him last month about how he's a passenger in the family and needs to start pulling his weight with the kids or the house or preferably both. He promised he would and though today is actually an improvement (before he wouldn't have washed up or put shopping away) I still think the distribution of labour is utterly unfair.

vanillaessence04 Wed 08-Jun-16 00:12:44


It sounds like he's totally disengaged/disinterested, acting like he doesn't have kids. In the short term, If he's not going to help, can you get a cleaner or someone who comes to do the ironing or something like that? Just to help YOU have some down time while you and hubby sort yourselves out. Is counselling an option?

VocationalGoat Wed 08-Jun-16 00:16:08

He sounds a bit depressed, tbh.

OutToGetYou Wed 08-Jun-16 00:18:02

You talk about him like he's a child, he sounds like one too.

Why did you both go shopping, I'd have just asked him to do it.

I think I'd have lost my rag by lunchtime personally. So YANBU to tell him he is lazy. YABU to stay with him if he carries on like this. At least if you split up you'll get every other weekend off!

CodyKing Wed 08-Jun-16 00:19:15

Sounds like you need child free day! Let him cope for a day

ijustwannadance Wed 08-Jun-16 00:24:02

Are you noticing more because he is there and not at work? Seems like you have your routines sorted as though you're used to doing everything alone.

ArriettyMatilda Wed 08-Jun-16 00:26:05

I'd have just said to dp can you make snacks, change nappy, wash up etc. I've given up hoping he'll just see what needs doing. I ask him to do it and try to be doing a job at the same time so he can see I'm not taking the piss.

ijustwannadance Wed 08-Jun-16 00:26:06

I would've left all the DC's with him and gone shopping alone. Taking my time in peace.

powershowerforanhour Wed 08-Jun-16 00:32:26

I'd be pretty fuckin' annoyed about the nappy and suggest the fecker sits in piss soaked pants for two hours in this warm weather and see how he likes it.

MrsSpecter Wed 08-Jun-16 00:36:22

Why did you have 4 children with him? confused i'm assuming he didnt just turn lazy in the last year? If so what happened to cause a change in him?

whois Wed 08-Jun-16 00:50:35

Poor child being left in his pissy nappy for hours.

He sounds like a bit of a looser. Not someone I'd choose as a suitable man to father children with me.

Kiwiinkits Wed 08-Jun-16 00:57:49

Ah yes, DH frustration. It happens to the best of us. The days when DH is home are worse, somehow. I'm happy to race around doing everything (well) by myself. I'm not happy to race around doing everything by myself if DH is in bed or reading or fiddling with the computer. It boils my piss. I wish he'd just get out of the house.

Don't tell him he's being lazy, it will just make him defensive. Just be direct with what you need (men understand direct; they don't understand subtle undertones and 'atmosphere'). Tell him, I'm going out. The dishwasher needs to be unpacked and can you make the bed. See you soon.

Biglettuce Wed 08-Jun-16 01:02:27

YANBU but it isn't going to change you being superwoman. Stop being superwoman!

It's taken me years to understand that telling DP off for not pulling his weight just doesn't work. It's the same in the workplace, everyone always gives the conscientious, capable person all the work, because they will do it.

Think long term, think strategy!

Your DP sounds disconnected, remote, alien in the house, worn out.

You sound capable, totally run off your feet, on top of things, but you'll collapse in a vitreous of despair if this carries on.

Just a suggestion - but my DP had to left for a LONG TIME with our son to 'get' that his nappy did indeed give him nappy rash if left on for too long, that indeed he did get ratty if he wasn't fed, that he did indeed go bananas if all the toys never got tidied away. I had to take a deep breath, leave a note on the wall of his 'schedule', meal suggestions, and then leave for at least a day, every weekend, for at least a month before DP started to get it.

You have four kids, rather than leave him with tasks that 'can be left' like getting up with a child, give him the tasks that 'need to be completed' such as putting them all to bed - that is HIS task, if they are up at midnight that is still HIS task - or taking two of them out to a local wildlife park or soft play - or sending him out with two kids to do the shopping.

And with all this time with the kids, when was the last time you and DP reconnected together as a couple? Went out? Any family able to give you both a break?

MrsSpecter Wed 08-Jun-16 01:05:35

You know what you should do tomorrow OP? Shadow him. So if he lays on until 8.30 then so do you. Those noisy creatures calling for breakfast? I guess someone should feed them, <nudge nudge DP> But really do as little as he does and chaos will immediately descend. He'll realise how little parenting he is actually doing.

Kiwiinkits Wed 08-Jun-16 01:14:04

Not someone I'd choose as a suitable man to father children with me.

This isn't that helpful. Because you have no idea what a guy will be like with his own kids before you actually have them. And, the dynamic can change massively with each successive child. For example, I've found that DH was quite hands-on with the first child. Now its not so exciting and I've been over-competent at doing-it-all so DH has very little to do with the practical aspects of raising the third child.

Iknownuffink Wed 08-Jun-16 01:27:23

Time to leave the oldest child to look after the others. It will be hard for you.

Be busy at work, knackered when you come home, go for an indulgent bath or a pint at the pub.

Otherwise your resentment towards him will build up.

Iknownuffink Wed 08-Jun-16 01:29:30

Oldest child= husband

NightWanderer Wed 08-Jun-16 01:31:34

With my Ex, i got tired of matrying myself so i started giving him specific instructions, like im going to make lunch now so can you hang out the washing. It worked for a while but then he started not doing the stuff i asked him to do. Hes a lazy, selfish fucker and im much happier on my own. My advice is dont play games, youre both adults.

EttaJ Wed 08-Jun-16 01:38:05

YANBU. He sounds like a lazy stroppy teenager. Not changing DS nappy or giving him breakfast is awful! You seriously need to have words with him. You are doing it all and that's so unfair. I felt exhausted just reading.

Beeziekn33ze Wed 08-Jun-16 02:11:08

Could he be depressed?

Iknownuffink Wed 08-Jun-16 02:37:16

Or just childish Beez.

Wives are not mothers to their husbands.

twittwooery Wed 08-Jun-16 02:42:14

They might not be. nuffink but surely their wellbeing is of some concern as they're meant to love their partners and the partners vice Versa

Baconyum Wed 08-Jun-16 02:48:47

'I would've left all the DC's with him and gone shopping alone. Taking my time in peace' yep absolutely! With clear indication you will NOT be doing anything for him for the foreseeable until he grows the fuck up and PARENTS.

LucyBabs Wed 08-Jun-16 02:51:21

I'm exhausted just reading your op alificient

I only have two dc and they're not toddlers. I would give dp a quick sharp kick in the cock if he carried on like that. Why did he take 10 days annual leave? Usually annual leave is for holidays not hanging around the house in your pants confused

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