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AIBU to think my dh is still punishing me for pregnancy?

(96 Posts)
cloneroom Mon 06-Jun-16 21:53:20

Our last baby was not planned.
When I found out I was pregnant dh went crazy threatened to leave me and behaved terribly. He didn't talk to me for weeks and when he finally realised I was not going to have the abortion he wanted me to have his behaviour towards me changed and now 7 months after her birth it's still bad.

I normally just roll over and do what he wants but I couldn't have the abortion I just couldn't and standing up to him like this has pretty much ruined his attitude towards me.

I am very anxious now when he is home and I just can't forgive him for the way he behaved.

AIBU to still feel like the pregnancy is the issue or 7 months on is this just how things are now?

peoplepleaser70 Mon 06-Jun-16 21:55:31

I'd say if his attitude was going to change it would have by now. How does he act towards your DD??

converseandjeans Mon 06-Jun-16 21:58:13

Presumably he knows how to use contraception? If he didn't want another baby he should have made sure he used a condom. So sorry to hear he has been horrible to you flowers

cloneroom Mon 06-Jun-16 21:59:03

He acts pretty much the same to her as the older ones but having said that I was a sahm with the older ones so did 100% of childcare I still do even though I now work. He does no feeds, changes no nappies etc.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 06-Jun-16 22:00:45

What's he contributing to your family?

specialsubject Mon 06-Jun-16 22:01:29

Life is too short for this. He doesn't love you and I imagine he's killed any feelings you had for him. I know it isn't simple, but tell him to go and start making arrangements to split.


ollieplimsoles Mon 06-Jun-16 22:01:35

Why are you still there op? He sounds awful flowers

Have you any family/ friend support close to you?

Dragongirl10 Mon 06-Jun-16 22:02:35

You poor thing, your DH is an arrogant idiot, it takes two to get pregnant...if one doesn't want any DCs then they should invest in robust contraception.

This does not bode well for the future OP , does he have any redeeming features, is he nice to you at all?

molyholy Mon 06-Jun-16 22:03:11

Why are you with him? He treats you like shite and takes no responsibility for childcare. Guessing you have to do the lions share of the housework too. Wouldn't your life be greatly improved if you gave him his marching orders?

cloneroom Mon 06-Jun-16 22:03:35

I think he thinks he is being reasonable as I have "forced" another baby by not having the abortion. He has always liked his own way and I think it shook him that for once he didn't get it!

We have been together 16 years and he is the main income earner (I earn a third of what he does)

cloneroom Mon 06-Jun-16 22:04:36

To be fair he is getting a vasectomy in two weeks .

Rainbunny Mon 06-Jun-16 22:05:11

Sorry OP. Why the hell didn't he take some responsibility for his fertility and get snipped if he knew he didn't want any more children? I know half a dozen men (married or in LTRs with my female friends) who decided to get a vasectomy when they were done with having children. It's such an easy operation, a couple of days of soreness and then fine. Or he could wear a condom ffs.

I know these threads have a tendency to quickly evolve into a LTB message, you haven't written much about him on other aspects so I don't know if you are happy with him in general? I do get fed up of situations where the man doesn't act proactively to control his own fertility and blames the woman for what results!!

ollieplimsoles Mon 06-Jun-16 22:06:09

You sound quite beaten down op, do you have time away from him and the kids often?

DixieNormas Mon 06-Jun-16 22:06:26

If his attitude to you has changed and he isn't helping out then you need to think about leaving just leave

he's punishing you for something that he was a part of and it's making you anxious. He's a bloody twat

DixieNormas Mon 06-Jun-16 22:07:43

He should have had a vasectomy before now if he didn't want any more dc

abbieanders Mon 06-Jun-16 22:07:51

This is bad advice because nobody should really tell anyone what to do from a snapshot of their relationship, but I think you don't really need this for the rest of your life. If he gets over this it'll be something else the next time you don't toe the line.

I would be seriously considering my options if I were you, I think.

cloneroom Mon 06-Jun-16 22:09:27

Rainbunny the pregnancy came about as I had to have my coil removed because of a problem and had to wait a couple of weeks for a scan before getting a new one. He nagged and nagged about having sex until I gave up and agreed and then said he would "withdraw" he didn't - 2 weeks later positive test.

He is actually "nice" but just so incredibly moody all the time and just apart from us.
So on the weekend he got in from work about 11:30pm - slept until 2pm Saturday, stayed up all night that night on the computer then slept from 9am - 2 pm Sunday. So there was no argument or problem he just wasn't around.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 06-Jun-16 22:13:44

Was he asleep during the birds and the bees talk. Does he not know. It takes 2 to make a baby.
Assuming you carried your baby to term. 9months pregnant and now your baby is 7 months old, so you have been putting up with his shit for 16 months. All because he chose to dip his wick. Yes I know I said. It takes 2 to tango. However you're not pissing and moaning about the responsibility of having a baby. If he's not came around yet. I doubt he ever will.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 06-Jun-16 22:18:05

He nagged and nagged about sex until I gave in.
Sorry op, but there's a word for that.
He said he'd withdraw.
I'm not going to insult your intelligence by telling you about why the withdrawal method is the most unreliable form of conception.
He wanted the pleasure of making a baby without the responsibility. It doesn't work like that

AnotherEmma Mon 06-Jun-16 22:19:34

He is emotionally abusive. Read these signs of emotional abuse and see how many he does. I'd bet it's quite a few.

It sounds like there is also financial abuse and sexual coercion too.

See the abuser profiles.

And then call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Rainbunny Mon 06-Jun-16 22:20:44

Sorry OP, your explanation doesn't make me feel anymore sympathetic towards your dh - the opposite in fact. Well, I wouldn't take this attitude from him for a second longer (easy for me to say I know). How have you not become furious at him yet? He pesters you for sex, KNOWING that you are not using contraception at that time and then is upset when the "pull and pray" method of birth control didn't work?!!!! Sorry but he's a total idiot! I hope he has some redeeming qualities because I would..... LTB. Yes I'm afraid I'm already there out of sheer annoyance!

DixieNormas Mon 06-Jun-16 22:21:10

So he couldn't be arsed to use condoms but expected you to have an abortion. Horrible selfish fucker

Peppermintea Mon 06-Jun-16 22:21:14

So sorry to hear this OP. With that additional information about him not withdrawing then this situation really is down to him. You do realise what this means is he thought he could bully you into having an abortion as birth control because he would rather not withdraw. That means he took that risk with your body, health and potentially an unborn child.

When his plan backfired he punished you and is still doing so. You need to have it out with him and then make a decision from there. You have nothing to lose because if you don't do anything it's a LTB anyway because he's going to make life hell for you and resent your DD. Call him out on it. If he doesn't see he's being a prick of the highest order and grovel for forgiveness he needs to go.

IonaNE Mon 06-Jun-16 22:21:22

Well done, OP, for not letting yourself be forced into an abortion. flowers.
From what you have said so far, he does not seem to contribute much to your family... Did he do any nappy changes or feeds with the other dc?

JapaneseSlipper Mon 06-Jun-16 22:23:43

"the pregnancy came about as I had to have my coil removed because of a problem and had to wait a couple of weeks for a scan before getting a new one. He nagged and nagged about having sex until I gave up and agreed and then said he would "withdraw" he didn't - 2 weeks later positive test."

WOW. And he is blaming you... why?

"He is actually "nice" but just so incredibly moody all the time."

No, he is not nice. He is awful. Please get away from him. Good luck x

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