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AIBU need to go?

(90 Posts)
beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:38:08

Have been SAHM for a looong time (nearly retiral age)

DCS now spread their wings (from this Sept.) and flown the nest.

DH changed jobs 3 years ago but dislikes current job even though he earns twice as much as previous employment.

Despite increase in earnings, household budget (from his earnings) has been reduced by half (by him) as he feels I should make more of a financial contribution. His reasoning is that I am a smoker  and should use that money as spends.

The hardest part though, is he bad mouths me to any who will listen, but the most painful is when he tries to get the DC ‘on his side’ (my observation, but feel strongly this is not what our DC should involved with)

All bills paid, he has plenty leisure time, spends on what he likes, I have no extra funds but do have credit card

I do not recognise this man as the one I married, makes me soo sad. I think I need to go

Any thoughts, kicks up the bum?

monkeywithacowface Mon 06-Jun-16 16:40:18

If all your kids are grown up and moved on is there a reason why you can't start to make a financial contribution?

monkeywithacowface Mon 06-Jun-16 16:41:24

That said I wouldn't want to live with someone who made their contempt for me so obvious.

8angle Mon 06-Jun-16 16:43:13

If he is doing this because he really cares about you and is trying to get you to stop smoking and this is his insensitive, crass but well meaning way of doing it - i can sort of understand.
If he is just being a bully, and a selfish arse, then you really need to have a think about your future together.....

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Jun-16 16:48:39

He shouldn't be bringing anyone else into it

But he's right that your fags should come out of your 'spends'. Cigarettes/tobacco aren't exactly cheap.

araiba Mon 06-Jun-16 16:49:19


go get a job and stop smoking

Gazelda Mon 06-Jun-16 16:53:24

Do you want to go? Do you love him? Is this the only issue? If his motivation is to stop you smoking, then I can see his point. If this is part of a wider pattern of control, then it's not OK.
He shouldn't be bad mouthing you. He shouldn't be involving the children. Is his 'badmouthing' just about the tobacco or about other issues that should remain private between a couple?
Are you in a position to earn?

beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:58:54

no reason why I couldn't find a job, that's perfectly feasible.

Unbelievably, don't even think it's a crass way of getting me to stop smoking (which I know I must)

It feels more like a control thing tbh, punishment sorta? cos although his current employment commands higher earnings, it has less 'kudos'

Have come to the realisation that I will need to get a job, but am not sure that I can continue my life with this 'stranger'

Am reminded of that saying

'Don't put the key to your happiness in someone elses pocket' Have been mightly stupid/complacent.

Thanks for your replies everyone :3

beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:03:31

araiba, totally correct

Gazelda, I struggle with that one (love aspect) bad mouthing doesn't actually involve the smoking tbh, its more about how fabulous he is at earning and what a wonderful person he is.

beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:03:59

and how shit I am

araiba Mon 06-Jun-16 17:07:51

im not surprised he is pissed off

fair enough being at home looking after the kids, but theyve gone now, no need for him to solely support both of you and your expensive habit.

if anything he should quit his unhappy job and you support him for a while

SheSparkles Mon 06-Jun-16 17:12:12

You do have extra funds, you just choose to spend them on fags

OurBlanche Mon 06-Jun-16 17:16:00

Maybe he is just a man who has worked for decades and is looking forward to being able to slow down, leave a job he doesn't really like.

Maybe he dislikes his job so much it hurts him to see his life partner sitting at home not working even though their kids are grown and no longer need her to be there for them.

Maybe he sees her smoking and, over and above what would be concern for her health, has calculated how many days/hours per week he has to work to pay for them... at about a tenner a packet!

Maybe he is in need of some support and hasn't found the right way to say that he no longer thinks he can support you in staying at home now your DCs are leaving and that he needs some help.

Maybe he can't recognise the woman in the house. A woman who can't quite see that their circumstances have changed and that she needs to do something other than sit at home watching the kids leave, smoking, wondering why her DH thinks she is a stranger.

Or maybe he is just a pillock!

Gazelda Mon 06-Jun-16 17:23:25

It doesn't sound a happy marriage. For either of you.

I'm stunned that you're only now coming to realise you need to find a job. Maybe he feels he's living with a stranger too? He used to live with someone who's life was dedicated to the family, but now is unmotivated?

What do you use the credit card for? Do you use it freely, ie in addition to the budget he's halved? Do you use if for tobacco as well as other stuff such as clothes, socialising, haircuts etc? I'm not saying that you aren't entitled to use the family money for yourself, but it seems a bit of a one-sided arrangement.

If you leave, you need to work out how you are going to support yourself.

beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:24:08

You are right, cigarettes are expensive, I have smoked all the while we've been together (more than 25 years)

It is perfectly valid from those of you who say quit. Sensible advice, absolutely.

My struggle is, its been a non- issue previously and suspect there is more to it than just this.

Excellent points of view from all and certainly food for thought and even if I head out to Boots for Niquitin asap, I suspect his discontent lies deeper.

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 06-Jun-16 17:25:42

Your smoking should not come out of household funds. Perhaps he shouldn't complain about you but it kinda sounds like he has reason to. You sound like you're trying to twist this into him being the problem.

beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:26:51

Gazelda, yes I don't think he is happy either tbh.

credit card used only for food shopping (can't remember when I last bought something for myself, don't deserve it as am not contributing financially

beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:28:59

no, no, not that he's the problem (soley)

in first post I did re-iterated kick up the bum?

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 06-Jun-16 17:29:00

My struggle is, its been a non- issue previously and suspect there is more to it than just this.

Yes, probably that he's resentful at approaching retirement age, slogging away in a job he hates, whilst you stay at home with no children to care for and smoke away the salary from his shitty job.

beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:31:24


Brilliant post, thank you. Sincerely

beetr00 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:32:24

Agree Paul

CombineBananaFister Mon 06-Jun-16 17:32:49

I imagine he feels resentfu/trappedl that he is working in a job he dislikes to pay for you both. I can see why you think the goalposts have changed suddenly but maybe he is disappointed you didn't offer to start and look for employment knowing how he feels atm and now that you don't have any childcare committments.

Still, he shouldnt make you feel shit for having raised a family instead of paid employment, because he would have had to contribute to childcare if you hadn't done it all. Its a partnership afterall but don't think now its fair for you to expect him to carry on in a shit job when you could help out financially

CombineBananaFister Mon 06-Jun-16 17:34:44

Maybe it will be good, especially if there is something you've always fancied doing?

HormonalHeap Mon 06-Jun-16 17:40:29

To give you an idea of what is normal (behaviour wise), dh is my second husband, we have no kids together. We live with my 2 teenagers. I only do some voluntary work but putting the financial situation aside, he couldn't care less whether I work or not as long as I'm happy.

There obviously isn't a lot of love left in this marriage. Do you think he would agree to counselling, and would you even want to?

Sucksfake1 Mon 06-Jun-16 17:44:38

He sounds like a twat you raised his fucking children.

Why should you stop smoking on his say so?

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