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Friends DH is an arse for saying this

(75 Posts)
Nuggy2013 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:07:00

Long story short, friend wanted a water birth with her first DC. It didn't happen and had an EMCS, baby was totally stuck, heart rate dropping and generally quite difficult induction etc. This is something that still plays on her mind and she gets upset about although she says she knows it's ridiculous in grand scheme of things as she has a health, happy 2 year old DD. She is pregnant again and v happy but has tried discussing future birth plan with her DH. He is of the mindset, what will happen happens. To some degree, he has a point. However, her DH, like mine, works away and they need to try and make plans for childcare, birthing partner if he is unable to get home etc. She is desperate for a VBAC (her words not mine) and when trying to discuss this, her DH said 'what are you so bothered about? Just have a CS because you've never actually given birth, have you?' She has a really supportive midwife who is encouraging her to have a home birth/water birth whatever she chooses if possible so she felt that she may have the chance to achieve this and now she's heartbroken

AIBU to think he is an utter twunt? I want to support her but was side swiped by her telling me this comment. I also know her DH and with that I doubt there was direct intended malice behind his comment but he must have known how hurtful it would be and was more or less not switched on to how she was feeling???

Dozer Mon 06-Jun-16 16:10:25

It was an insensitive thing to say, but I don't think it's quite as bad as you are making out.

the royal college of obstetricians and gynaecologists has guidance on birth options after C section with stats etc.

Nuggy2013 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:11:24

I don't think he meant it but knowing how sensitive she is two years on, I definitely think he should be more considerate??

TheNaze73 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:12:23

It wasn't the best thing to say. YANBU but, I agree with dozer

dowhatnow Mon 06-Jun-16 16:14:56

I think she would be mad to try for a home birth.

Perhaps he was insensitive but hardly the crime of the century. He doesn't understand the importance for her but TBH my thinking would be the end result. Fair enough to plan how she would prefer it to go but to have your heart set on it is silly. His way of going with the flow with all eyes on a healthy outcome, is pretty sensible to me. Although he could have worded it better, knowing how important it was to her.

Dozer Mon 06-Jun-16 16:15:17

Sounds like she could do with some help from health professionals. The book Blooming Birth helped me. As did counselling.

IABVU Mon 06-Jun-16 16:17:22

Said the right thing, not in the right way and probably not interntionally.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Mon 06-Jun-16 16:18:12

I think as a man who will never ever experience birth he just hasn't got a clue. To him, it's a case of, get the baby out the easiest way. It was probably scary for him and just wants both to be safe.

She's being melodramatic by being heartbroken (or you are in your description wink) she should just tell him she wants to try so he has to help her work out the logistics.

RitchyBestingFace Mon 06-Jun-16 16:19:36

I agree with PP - fair enough she wants to try a VBAC, but a homebirth? I can't believe a midwife is supporting that and I would be wanting that NHS Trust's VBAC stats before proceeding.

Yes he is insensitive if that's how he worded it but if he saw his DW and DC in huge distress during the first labour he might have his reasons.

branofthemist Mon 06-Jun-16 16:19:59

Did the whole event bother him more than he lets on.

You say he isn't a knob so I am wondering if he is terrified of the same thing happening again and is broaching it in the wrong way.

I am really surprised a MW would encourage home birth given what happened last time.

amazingtracy Mon 06-Jun-16 16:21:22

Sorry but she needs to cop on and get her priorities in order- does she want the water birth at the expense of being alive or a month we of two healthy babies?
She's had two years to accept this and get on with it!
Disclaimer- had a c section and didn't feel that I had to feel bad about it.

branofthemist Mon 06-Jun-16 16:21:42

And does he think he is being a bit optimistic. Is he worries if it's an emergency section that she will be heart broken again. But if she knows that's what's happening now and it planned she will be ok.

amazingtracy Mon 06-Jun-16 16:22:13

the month=the mother

RitchyBestingFace Mon 06-Jun-16 16:22:15

If he works away and needs to be her birthing partner then his views should be considered - a planned birth might make more sense especially if childcare is required.

ImperialBlether Mon 06-Jun-16 16:23:49

I'm amazed that a midwife would be thinking in terms of a home birth.

But yes, he sounds very insensitive.

bubbathebuilder Mon 06-Jun-16 16:26:00

Can I just say, as a man, and an arsehole a lot of the time too, that you don't just say "Just have a CS because you've never actually given birth, have you". For you to even think in this fashion you have thought long and hard about how to hurt someone during an argument.

As a bloke you wouldn't even consider a CSection as not giving birth UNLESS you have heard somebody else talk about it, and therefore decide to say it yourself for malice. Sorry, it is just how men (generally) think. He was being purposefully horrible if he used that exact phrase.

He sounds every bit as vicious as I can be.

LaurieLemons Mon 06-Jun-16 16:26:14

I get the emotion behind it but logically it doesn't matter at all and I don't think it's healthy to be so hung up on it iyswim? I think he should encourage her with whatever she wants but she needs to be prepared for things to go either way.

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Jun-16 16:29:45

Wow bubbathebuilder, you're speaking for all blokes?

OP, yes he was insensitive.

I wonder if he's also very worried after last time?

Perhaps they both need a chat with the midwife team.

MLGs Mon 06-Jun-16 16:33:12

He was horribly insensitive to say she had never given birth, and inaccurate too. Who says Cs is not giving birth? Is the baby still in there or something?

But I think that friend would be mad to give birth at home. Vbac can go very wrong and if it does she will need to be at hospital . Not saying it's common, but if the scar does rupture they will need to get the baby pronto.

bubbathebuilder Mon 06-Jun-16 16:34:13

haha, no, not for all blokes. Well, unless I was elected and nobody told me. In which case they should because I come up with some absolute howlers. It just sounds a very, well, "specific" set of words to use.

Either he is very aware of this stuff, read up on it and knows what he is talking about, because he get's the difference between CSection and VBAC. In which case, he understands how hurtful that is.

Or, he is completely unaware of the differences, in which case, why would he even use that phrase?

It just sounds like he has thrown out an angry comment intended to hurt because the argument wasn't going his own way.

And yes, I might well be wrong. And yes, it might be easier to dismiss it as insensitive rather than planned malice because it is easier to pick the pieces up.

dowhatnow Mon 06-Jun-16 16:35:47

He is of the mindset, what will happen happens

what are you so bothered about? Just have a CS because you've never actually given birth, have you?

To me that sounds as if he wants her to be open minded but was getting frustrated when she fixated on it.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 06-Jun-16 16:36:03

He is insensitive but I suspect it comes from not understanding childbirth and what it means to the mother.

After my experience I think she'd be mad to have a home birth but she needs to make her own decisions and make sure she can live with any consequences if things go wrong. Harsh but realistic.

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Jun-16 16:37:46

Possibly, but then the OP says she knows the dh and with that, she doubts there was any malice intended.

Nuggy2013 Mon 06-Jun-16 16:40:50

Thanks for the points, I am defo going to have a chat with her. I had no idea she was still as upset about the whole thing and I'm wondering if she's setting herself up for disappointment as general consensus is home birth can't happen after a CS?? I have no idea as its not something I'd consider personally. Problem is, he's away for all pending midwife appointments which is why she's wanted to talk to him, maybe he's still got worries about previous birth??

whois Mon 06-Jun-16 16:41:22

She osunds like hard work Two years and shes still upset becase she didn;t get the home water birth she wanted?? She got a healthy child! That is the whole frigging point of childbirth, not the birthing 'experinece'.

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