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Family wedding

(146 Posts)
Unreasonablebil Mon 06-Jun-16 10:18:35

Bil and sil got married abroad a couple of years ago to help with a visa application. It was just the two of them there.
They now want to have a proper celebration of their marriage and this will be in the states as that is where sil is from. They have been talking about doing this for a while but have never set any dates.
Bil phoned dh yesterday and said they have set a date and they would love for us to come. The date they have set is in 2 months time and slap bang in the middle of the summer holidays.
I can not get this time off work as it is fully booked by people with children. We do have a couple of weeks booked off next month so could potentially see if someone minds swapping a week with me but I doubt this will be possible as they have booked it off to look after their children.
Dh spoke to bil and said it is highly unlikely that I would be able to get the time off. His response was that dh could therefore go without me!

I'm feeling pretty pissed off and hurt to be honest. If they really wanted us there then they should have checked we were available before booking it and given us more notice.

Poor dh is stressing about it as he feels like they are expecting him to go. If he moves his holiday and goes then it means I don't get a holiday this year and will spend a week off work on my own.

Am I being unreasonable to say both myself and dh will not be going?

Somerville Mon 06-Jun-16 10:20:37

Yes you are. It's his brother. If you can't get the time off, he should still be there.

MrsJoeyMaynard Mon 06-Jun-16 10:22:10

YANBU to say that you won't go, but if your DH really wants to go (rather than going out of duty), then I think it would be unreasonable to stop him.

Ratbagcatbag Mon 06-Jun-16 10:22:45

No not at all. They can't just announce a date within two months and then expect everyone to drop everything.
If it was that important his brother be there he would have asked about the dates first. Yanbu at all.

PurpleDaisies Mon 06-Jun-16 10:24:00

I can totally understand why you're annoyed. Two bits is short notice for an abroad wedding and if they'd let you know earlier there's no reason why you couldn't have booked the time off (people with children don't have priority for summer holidays, but since it's booked how I think you're right that it'll be almost impossible to get anyone to change).

It's rubbish but I think your dh should go alone. He should make it clear he's not happy about it and really would have wanted more notice.

ZacharyQuack Mon 06-Jun-16 10:24:19

If my sister was celebrating her marriage and DH was unable to attend, I would still want to be there and would be very surprised and upset if he suggested that I didn't go.

PurpleDaisies Mon 06-Jun-16 10:24:24

Bits? Months.

YouMakeMyDreams Mon 06-Jun-16 10:27:18

YANBU. I may feel a tad differently if it was an actual wedding but essentially this is just a party a couple of years later. This also affects the time you and dh get to go on holiday. If you could get time off for both your own holiday and this and finances allow for both I'd say go for it but if it is either or no chance. Not with 2 months notice. I am off school holidays and we still couldn't go with 2 months notice because dh has booked his annual leave for holidays we have already planned or booked.

Waltermittythesequel Mon 06-Jun-16 10:28:08

There's no reason for him not to go, really. Not a reasonable one anyway!

Sorry but I would be very hmm if my sibling didn't come to my wedding (which it is for all intents and purposes) because his adult wife didn't want to spend a week alone.

I think you're going to have to suck it up.

ENormaSnob Mon 06-Jun-16 10:28:51

They are already married though so cant see the big deal tbh. Its just a party.

Neither me not dh would attend in these circumstances.

Unreasonablebil Mon 06-Jun-16 10:30:50

I have told dh that he should go but he doesn't want to go on his own. Plus if he goes then we can't afford to go on holiday this year (flights for him alone are over £700) which we had been looking forward to.

I'm so pissed off that they have put us in this position.

manicinsomniac Mon 06-Jun-16 10:31:25

I think it's terrible they didn't give more notice for international (or any!) guests. 2 months is not enough to make arrangements at all.

But now it's done I think, sadly, you will have to let your husband go. I would move heaven and earth to e at my sister's wedding and would be devastated if I couldn't be there. Unless he isn't close to his brother I assume he will want to be there.

Could you have your own holiday? With the kids if needed?

SouthWesterlyWinds Mon 06-Jun-16 10:32:36

YANBU to be miffed as BIL IBU as an overseas family occasion with two months notice is a big bloody ask. It's also smack bang in the high peak season so will cost a bomb. That's fine if you have the disposable income but it's sheer selfishness to expect people to scrape together money for what is essentially a party a couple of years after the event if they can't or can barely afford it.

YABU if you're going to veto your DH going to a marriage celebration if he wants to. Saying that, you've mentioned he has to change his holiday week which suggests that you don't even know if he can actually make it yet.

ENormaSnob Mon 06-Jun-16 10:34:04

There is no way I would forsake our family holiday to facilitate this.

Far too short notice, too expensive, too impractical...and its only a bloody party. They are already married.

MurphysChild Mon 06-Jun-16 10:48:08

Mixed feelings here.

It IS his DB so ordinarily I would say he should go and you should on this occasion be the giver.

BUT it isn't really a wedding, they have been married a couple of years, it sounds more like a holiday for them where they have chosen to celebrate their retrospective wedding with her family at the same time, and as such your DH is going on said jolly without you.

So on that basis I agree with you that it is unfair to miss out on any holiday whilst he goes on one to the US.

blindsider Mon 06-Jun-16 10:49:47

Yes you are. It's his brother. If you can't get the time off, he should still be there.

I disagree - it isn't their will also mean the OP missing out on a holiday with her DH this year. The fact that DH is stressed about it suggests he is not comfortable with the idea and feels under pressure as the 'expect' him to go. There was no consultation about availability either.

nmg85 Mon 06-Jun-16 10:50:48

Not a chance, 2 months notice is ridiculous especially when it is peal season so price will be sky high. Its only a party I think it is vert cheeky to have a party in another country and expect everyone to go.

LittleCroxley Mon 06-Jun-16 10:51:09

I wouldn't travel that far in my own for a party.

LittleCroxley Mon 06-Jun-16 10:51:19

In? On...

Unreasonablebil Mon 06-Jun-16 10:55:42

Dh was going to check but is pretty sure he can get the time off.

I just wish they had given us more notice. It is a location we would both love to go to and could make an amazing holiday out of it.

We don't have children

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 06-Jun-16 10:57:46

I think that's rude.
They're already married, this is just a party for the family.
They're doing it in the USA for her family; his family are just expected to suck it up and deal with it.

You can't go, that's clear - but I think your DH should make his own mind up with no pressure either way from you. I get that you will miss out on a holiday, that it's a lot of money for him to go on his own (but half what it would have been if you both went!) and that he doesn't really want to go without you - but he needs to think it through very carefully in terms of his longterm relationship with his brother.

However, again, it's not the actual wedding, is it - it's just a party.

And yes, they could have checked when would have been more convenient with the groom's family as well, prior to setting a very short notice date (and I say this as someone who only gave 2m notice for my actual wedding! - I rang the important people to ask which date would work best for them before I booked it)

Somerville Mon 06-Jun-16 10:58:47

The way this reads to me, it is their wedding. They got legally married to help with visas but are now making their vows before their families and friends, and celebrating their marriage. That's a wedding.

There's nothing that would stop me being at my sisters wedding. And going on a different holiday that I could only afford through missing her wedding would leave a bad taste in my mouth.

It perhaps depends a bit how many other people from his family will make it. Do they have living parents who can attend? If not then I'd think it were even more important that he does.

But it depends how much your DH cares, I guess. I wouldn't stand in his way, if I were you. Leave it up to him.

diddl Mon 06-Jun-16 11:00:15

A party in USA for something that happened 2yrs ago?


I wouldn't even be considering it!

blindsider Mon 06-Jun-16 11:02:15


The way this reads to me, it is their wedding.

Two years later?? Nah

GloriousGoosebumps Mon 06-Jun-16 11:02:43

Who else is invited? Are Pil, siblings, cousins etc. invited and how are they coping with the incredibly short notice given the distance and cost?

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