To feel odd after a friends lie

(60 Posts)
callherwillow Sun 05-Jun-16 21:58:59

I've just discovered this weekend that a friend has lied for years about something that isn't important to me, but is important in the context of her life.

I don't exactly feel betrayed as I understand why she lied, and it was a lie going back years but it's shaped how I look at her now. It's a bit like finding out something from your past and applying it to memories and looking at them in a new context.

I don't know why I feel so strange about it; it's not my business.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sun 05-Jun-16 22:08:44

Like you say she had her reasons.
I wouldn't dwell on it.
It's not like she lied to upset you.

callherwillow Sun 05-Jun-16 22:16:23

No, of course not, but it puts a lot of other things into a very different context. Sorry - just a bit taken aback smile

EverySongbirdSays Sun 05-Jun-16 22:22:24

I know what you mean.

I have an acquaintance who is a compulsive liar to a degree that I think there's an undiagnosed "issue" there. As it's so out there however, it's almost accepted as a trait her friends politely ignore

But....something happened to me with another friend that has literally changed everything about them for me. Completely redefined who they were coloring every past memory - because underneath my friend was THAT person who I didn't know existed. It made me feel like I never knew them and that everything I knew about them was a lie.

carabos Sun 05-Jun-16 22:33:20

I've got a friend like this. She's lied to me today about her medical condition. I don't know why she's doing it, it makes no difference to me at all.

callherwillow Sun 05-Jun-16 22:37:28

In some ways I feel like that EverySong, although it's a very understandable lie, it hints at something potentially quite dark. Part of me wonders if I should do something else with the information - I don't know.

ChitChatarunga Sun 05-Jun-16 22:41:26

Carabos, I am acquainted with a woman who is very irritating, but once, googling, I stumbled on ''histrionic personality disorder'' and it was her to a T. (Terrible name, 'histrionic' - argh). But this woman lies to get people's attention. She can't just show up and listen. She's always got to be telling some insignificant lie that makes a good story (she thinks). She's made up quite serious medical issues as well confused

ChitChatarunga Sun 05-Jun-16 22:43:28

I don't go around diagnosing people, honestly just this one woman wine I couldn't help it.

Katarzyna79 Sun 05-Jun-16 22:47:42

everysong I have a childhood friend who sounds exactly as you have described I also have the same feelings,you literally took the words out of my mouth. After it dawned on me she was a compulsive liar, I looked back on certain memories and realised she used to lie about anything it could be the most petty thing but she would lie, and I think she will never change, it's part of who she is?

I keep my distance now I don't keep regular contact,but when we do speak we have a long chat and it's as if we are as close as we always were. It's not entirely the same though, because now I don't trust her, whereas before I did.

EverySongbirdSays Sun 05-Jun-16 22:48:30

Can you tell us more willow?

Is there a reason you SHOULD make others aware?

That would indicate it's not harmless

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 05-Jun-16 22:49:39

I guess it deoends what it is really.

That her Grandma's cat was actually called Bob, not Meg OR that she was actually raised by a pack of wolves.

callherwillow Sun 05-Jun-16 22:52:12

It seems the man she lives with isn't someone she met as an adult but someone who took advantage of her as a child, I feel so odd about it.

EverySongbirdSays Sun 05-Jun-16 22:56:54

My compulsive liar acquaintance (work) would back down if told outright what she had said was bollocks but you had to challenge there and then. It was very odd to watch she would tell a story and it would become FACT - it was as if she couldn't tell the difference between her imaginings and reality.

We had an issue at work with a customer who would come in and cause problems and we decided to contact the police for advice she alleged he had followed her to and around her other job. I said to her "if you're going to say that to the police, you'd better know you have either eyewitnesses or CCTV to back that up" she dropped it straightaway and didn't say it again.

All of the people we both worked with have gone NC with her

GarlicSteak Sun 05-Jun-16 22:57:35

Oh, god, that's heavy duty! I have no idea what you can do about it - if anything. Presumably you're friends with him as well? That would be so hard to handle sad

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece Sun 05-Jun-16 22:58:12

I don't think it's the lie that's the problem, is it? Did you find out, or did she tell you? If she did, then it's a kind of disclosure and she may want to talk further about her situation.

GarlicSteak Sun 05-Jun-16 22:58:53

Did you find out from her? I mean, I'm sure you've figured out whether it could be malicious/stupid gossip. I probably just want to hear it might not be true ...

callherwillow Sun 05-Jun-16 22:59:02

I found out, largely by accident. It's made me feel quite cold.

GarlicSteak Sun 05-Jun-16 22:59:34

Good point, Lazy, about disclosure.

EverySongbirdSays Sun 05-Jun-16 23:00:42

A man she told you molested her as a child, later went on to become her partner??

That's either

a) a lie, and a horrific one
b) Some weird Stockholmy syndrome abusive relationship that she shouldn't be in.

Either way sad she needs help

callherwillow Sun 05-Jun-16 23:01:29

After a fashion. He took advantage of her as a young teen, if that makes a difference.

Birdsgottafly Sun 05-Jun-16 23:02:36

Then she's done it to stop the judgement about her relationship and possibly, then, her DH.

There was a large age difference between me and my former DH (he died of Cancer). We were judged for it, for the whole of the 22 years that we were together.

I've heard nasty comments, even since he's died, so I can understand the reasoning behind it.

Unless it was seriously abusive from the start.

callherwillow Sun 05-Jun-16 23:03:07

I think she has, Birds, but she was a child and he was very much an adult.

ChicRock Sun 05-Jun-16 23:03:49

So like she met and 'started a relationship with' someone much older when she was aged 13-16?

(The "" as obviously if that's the case she was groomed).

Birdsgottafly Sun 05-Jun-16 23:04:15

X post, how old was she?

EverySongbirdSays Sun 05-Jun-16 23:05:37

So,
At some point in the past she told you that this guy, Mr X molested/raped/abused her when she was 13/14

Flashforward she and Mr X are together now?

That's very dodgy. I'm not surprised you feel weird.

Have you/Are you going to ask her about it?

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