To be panicking about parasitic daughter(160 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
Please don't flame me for calling her that as I love her very much but she is lazy and acting like a parasite and a waster.
She is quite bright and could easily have gone on to college or uni as she does have 1 a level and a few GCSEs at a low grade. She refused to study for them and was very aggressive and abusive when we encouraged her to study.
She was supposed to be resitting them this year but wouldn't even go to school, she turned up for exams but said she thinks she has failed them.
She had an interview for college last week but cancelled it saying she had no interest in studying. The problem is she had no interest in anything. I told her she has to get a job and she just laughed and said ok. She has no intention of getting one.
This is my plan, I don't want to be cruel but she is not taking this seriously at all-
Arrange a flat share or bedsit for her (she cannot continue to live at home. She is abusive and aggressive, at times violent, and had made our lives and those of her siblings a misery especially in the past year). I will tell her I will pay the first three months then she has to pay herself.
Tell her either to get a job or claim JSA.
She is 18.
This is all breaking my heart. She is a bright girl
Sorry pressed return too soon. But seems intent on doing nothing with her life!
Yabu. I don't know what the answer is but kicking her out will likely just lead to resentment and more bad feeling.
I think if things are that bad then it's certainly an option. It could all go horribly wrong and her end up back on your doorstep though...
She needs to be signing on you need to stopfunding her getting her a place to stay and paying for it will just be her slobbing elsewhere cut her off feed her but stop everything else
Is this a sudden change of behaviour in her or was she like this when she was younger too? The rudeness and aggression etc.
If sudden, is it possible she is taking drugs or fallen in with a different crowd?
Would she sit down and have a calm conversation with you so that you could explain your worries?
I think your plan of covering rent somewhere for a few months is a good one actually. If you can, cover rent and bills and fill her cupboard up with basic food then leave her too it.
Be careful to stress how much you still love her but she is an adult now, making her own way in the world and so it's time she got on with it. Also point out that you are no longer willing to put up with her aggression.
She may or may not thank you for all of this in years to come but that still doesn't change the fact that she is acting like a brat and needs to take it outside of the family home and figure stuff out for herself.
I get you are frustrated but putting her out wont help her honestly it wont
Could you get social services on board? Paying for a flat for her won't make her change - why would it.
Awful situation for you
Has she ever seen anyone in the past, for example, CAHMS? Could she have some kind of undiagnosed 'thing' going on? Such as persistent defiant disorder, which means that people suffer extreme mental distress when others put pressure on them to do things?
If you don't think this could be the case, I think you would be doing a wise thing in telling her to plough her own furrow.
It sounds very hard for you.
I don't think you are being unreasonable, OP. You sound at the end of your tether with her. I teach A-level students, and find it difficult to tolerate the ones who are so apathetic and lazy. She can't continue to live at home past 18 without contributing to the home, or putting in the time to study and improve herself. I think you getting her a place where she's got to get on with it herself will be the best thing for her.
Make sure to get her a rental which could be realistically affordable once she has to pay for it herself.
I can tell you now that as guarantor for any flat, which you will have to be, it will all fall to you when she defaults , and she probably will. However I do sympathise as it must be so frustrating to watch.
Violence towards you is totally unacceptable though. She could get a live in job at a pub maybe. That might help her sort herself out a bit.
How does she intend to pay her way through life, she can't live with you forever, she'll need to pay rent on a place. Give her a deadline - you pay for your keep or you find somewhere to live. Help her by looking at flat adverts, tell her you need to rent her room out, if she stays there she pays her way.
The violence is not on though would you consider phoning the police the next time she hits you
She is abusive, aggressive and violent.
Get her out of your home.
What's the current family set-up, if you don't mind me asking?
I think a flat-share might be better than a potentially lonely bedsit, if you can find a decent one, should you go down that road btw.
Has she always been this way?
Or can you identify an incident / time period when things changed?
How does she spend her time?
You say she's not interested in anything. That can't always have been the case. What did she used to enjoy doing?
I wonder if she's got low self esteem, so would rather not try anything than risk failure - all masked by a 'can't-be-bothered' facade.
I think I would have a last attempt at talking with (not AT) her before I went down the route of kicking her out.
Presumably you are paying for her food , toiletries etc now? Wifi? Phone?
Sit her down.. put it simply..she's 18..she either gets a job and pays towards rent OR go to college, or she has to leave. If she is hanging around the house.. take the router to work with you. Stop paying her phone (or buy out of her contract if you can) absolute basic household toiletries.
OR she goes. I would';t be paying up advance rent for her anywhere..because of her age and no job you would have to act as guarantor and then if she defaulted..which seems likely, it would come back to you.. however you CAN declare her homeless..at her age she'd most likely get a hostel or bed sit at best but it might be enough to shake her into action. But you'd have to mean it.
Of my four, I had one for whom it came very close to kicking him out..so looked into this. However the conversation we had did make him realise we were serious and he bucked up and got a job and is a now a decent guy!
Such as persistent defiant disorder, which means that people suffer extreme mental distress when others put pressure on them to do things?
YANBU, sounds like she needs some tough love
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Has she always been like this?? What happens if you refuse to give her any money??
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It sounds like she needs to stand on her own two feet. Before anyone jumps on the "she's only 18" bandwagon, my dad lost his business when I was 16 and at sixth form. My parents told me I had to get a part time job if I wanted to continue to study. Best thing they ever did, I worked two jobs, paid board and taught myself how to budget and work my finances. When my friends in their early twenties were paying off their debts of their late teens I was buying my first house. She's going to thank you in the long term.
I sounded like your daughter!
Rows with my parents for YEARS. I too had a lot of potential and half-arsed all my GCSEs.. Did much better than anyone expected but didn't end up getting any A-Levels
Without being too revealing my parents literally booked me a plane and said I was going to live abroad
Lots went on, bad feelings etc but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Only 3 years on and even I can see it
I definitely had an easy life, lovely home etc and I was pure and simple lazy. Parents only ever wanted the best for me despite how it seemed to me at the time... Took my move abroad for me to realise this, stand on my own two feet and do things for myself
I've now moved back to the U.K., got a good job with excellent prospects, living independent of my parents - who I now get on with completely!! - and can say the last three years have been amazing. I've loved to be able to see what I've been able to achieve myself ...
Your plan, from my point of view although it may seem harsh, is the best thing you can do for her if she's like me! I almost feel like all the anguish stress and arguing through my teen years was worth it because otherwise I wouldn't have ended up where I am now!
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