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To confront the 'other woman'

(24 Posts)
mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 04:44:10

This is partially related to a previous post, which is completely freaking me out right now. I have to point out that at this precise moment I have no concrete evidence of cheating, but am possibly a really paranoid and untrusting person! My current issue involves the possibility of H being unfaithful while away with work. As many people have said, there is a long separation and many opportunities, but it depends on the character of the person...
Years ago, before we were married with kids, he had a temporary posting to help out with another service. He was living at home, with rather odd shift hours, and this woman would drive to ours, park some distance from the house to wait until he returned with the shared work car, then drive off in the work car for her shift. He did talk about her rather a lot, and they spent time together (walking her dogs) while I was at work. He described her as being quite like me, but a bit more flighty (or words to that effect). She once came in to the house instead of waiting outside (she knocked and asked if she could wait inside), and was pleasant, but I had the feeling I was being checked out a bit...I invited her to come in whenever she wanted, but she never did. I'm not proud of this, but on one occasion I watched out of the upstairs window as he came home, they both were sat in the work car for a while, then both got out, stood real close together for a bit until she left. Maybe it was just the angle, but I could have sworn they were kissing. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. I did confront him, everything was denied...
Flash forward a month or so, we had moved house, they were still seeing each other due to work...(We were invited round to a dinner at hers (she had a bf) as a couple once, with others of their friends. Possibly not relevant.) She sometimes had been at the house while I was at work, on one memorable occasion he had visited me at my place of work to tell me he was off to the Gulf....I couldn't leave work at the time, he went home. I was upset, so did leave early, and guess who was there when I arrived!? She left pretty sharpish, but I was rather disturbed he'd obviously turned to her for some moral support in the few hours before I was due home.
Anyway, he went off to the Gulf, and I didn't really hear anything else about her. Anyhow, now I've got all these doubts resurfacing, I know he has her as a friend on facebook and she's now married. I'm so tempted to message and ask if there was anything going on, as knowing would help with the current situation, but obviously doubt the wisdom of this. Has anyone done anything similar? Would you give an honest answer if it were you? What were the outcomes?
I know the best thing to do is talk to H, but it will be a while before he returns home, and if he has lied in the past he no doubt would do again, and I'd obv fall for it! This is driving me insane, WWYD?!?

Nepotism Sun 05-Jun-16 05:18:00

I would say she's irrelevant. I was in your situation for many years with DH and various women. I couldn't trust him and it ate away at me, I was constantly checking up. I eventually left and have since had it confirmed that he had multi affairs. Go with your gut sad

Nepotism Sun 05-Jun-16 05:23:16

Sorry, didn't phrase that well. The lack of trust is a major issue, you can't live like that. She is unlikely to tell you if something had happened and it sounds like if she said it hadn't you wouldn't believe her.

Lighteningirll Sun 05-Jun-16 06:34:09

She's married and happy, if they were friends you ruined the friendship, if they were lovers do you think she'd be honest with you? I'm going to agree with Nepotism either you trust him or you don't.

mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 06:37:20

Good points, you're probably right.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 05-Jun-16 06:55:53

You don't know her, so you can't trust her. You won't know whether she's lying to you or not, so you'll be no better off and most likely will end up feeling humiliated. She'll tell your DH and all hell will break loose.

How long before he's back?

timelytess Sun 05-Jun-16 07:00:49

What would I do? I'd like to say I'd LTB but its harder to do than to say.

sooperdooper Sun 05-Jun-16 07:06:07

If you can't trust him to tell you the truth and you and he's got form for lying then whatever she says is irrelevant - he's your issue, not her

mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 07:08:57

Extract - about a month...long time to be thinking on it, but obv no point saying anything over phone/email...
Sooner - I agree he's the issue, but it would be good to have an alternate source of info, either way...

mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 07:16:33

Damnyouautocorrect! smile Above comments were to ExtraHot and Sooper, obv!

Roussette Sun 05-Jun-16 07:20:07

Why on earth should the OP LTB? She doesn't even know if there's anything to LTB about!

No no no do not contact her and ask her. Do you honestly think she's going to say "oh yes, I've got designs on your husband, we spend a lot of time together and flirt, and I'm hoping for more, thanks for asking".

It's you DH you have to challenge if you're going to challenge anyone. She had a BF and she's now married and she could just be a friend...

mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 07:30:06

Roussette, her involvement was a number of years ago now, live in a completely different area so I know nothing could be going on atm with her. No, she prob wouldn't say anything, but you hear stories of the OW admitting to it for whatever reason, was wondering if anyone had firsthand experience similar to this to advise...
Whatever H says, he's an intelligent man, he'd have an answer for anything...my problem is I'm either A) completely wrong and a horrible paranoid person, B) right/partially right and now questioning the past in an effort to 'find' concrete evidence which he wouldn't provide if confronted.

Rebecca2014 Sun 05-Jun-16 07:33:34

Lol at the people say if they were just friends. If that was the case she would made the effort to befriend his wife...instead they kept a distance from their partners.

Op why are you bringing this up now years later? Ow will deny it and why didn't you do all this confrontation back when it was actually happening? Personally I think your gut feeling was right but what do you want gain from digging through the past now?

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 05-Jun-16 07:45:06

A month is a long time, but better than 3/4/6 months.

Trust me, I understand the 'need to know'. I'm like a dog with a bone about stuff and can't settle until 'I know'. However, one thing I've learnt along the way, is that it's utterly pointless asking someone you don't trust. Asking her is pointless and afterwards will feel humiliating (I have the t shirt). IME asking him is pointless too.

One of my good friends has a very pragmatic approach to it. Her DH had a year long affair, he then moved out, decided the grass wasn't greener & they got back together. People often say to her that they can't believe she trusts him. She says 'It's not about whether I trust him or not. I love him, I believe he loves me. I believe he's learnt his lesson about fresh grass. If he hasn't I'll find out soon enough and that'll be the end of us. He knows that. I can't stop him doing it, but I can stop ruining my life worrying whether he will or not.' It works for her.

It wouldn't work for me, but my 'dog with a bone' doesn't work for her.

I guess all you can do while he's away is

- tell him it's over (being unhappy is reason enough, you don't need to prove he's been unfaithful)
- wait & discuss it with him, face to face (but he's going to lie if he's had/having an affair, so not much to gain)
- snoop endlessly trying to settle your mind one way or another (but this also doesn't prove anything until you find something)
- try to convince yourself he's not had/having an affair & everything is fine

Pretty crap really isn't it.

They could just be friends - but personally I think the chances are slim to nil.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 05-Jun-16 07:47:21

Oh. Your last post changes things.

Why do you suddenly need to 'know'?

mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 07:47:25

Rebecca, I did confront him at the time, it was denied. Very recently there has been something which I have questioned, if he had lied at the time, its more likely something is going on now. I don't know anyone else who would be able to confirm or deny.

mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 07:55:59

ExtraHot - bit of a long post, unfortunately its all of the no evidence, could be nothing variety, but I'm not happy about it...H is in navy, always wears his ring at home...post is on this thread lower down, something about expecting navy husband to wear ring. From what ppl have been posting, my mind is in a tizzy! Now so unsure about myself, wondering if I'm a naive idiot, or a paranoid harpy. Either is a bit shit! Thank you for your perspective though smile.

Fonzy Sun 05-Jun-16 07:57:28

You could message her from his Facebook account and see what she says to 'him'. Sneaky, but at least you'd know one way or the other.

sooperdooper Sun 05-Jun-16 08:00:40

ExtraHotLatte's post is spot on

OP, if you don't trust him and you aren't happy that's reason enough to end the relationship if you want to. You don't need proof - you have the right to end it for any reason you like

I don't think you'll ever find out the truth, so you need to decide whether you can live with not knowing

mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 08:02:17

smile not sure what I would say which would give me an answer...

Tattieboggle Sun 05-Jun-16 08:30:44

OP, I read your other thread and all I can say is - you dont sound happy and I think its manifesting itself in various ways. Listen to what your head is obviously trying to tell you, think about where you could go next with things, and when your husband is home tell him that things are far from well between the two of you and something has to be sorted out for the future.

With best wishes to you flowers

Fonzy Sun 05-Jun-16 10:04:16

Well, if it was me it would likely be something along the lines of pleasantries, then saying how you'd been asking lots of questions etc... and that you may contact her.... Leaving it open ended for her to drop herself in it <devious>

pilates Sun 05-Jun-16 10:12:16

No I wouldn't confront the other woman after all this time.

What is the current situation? You suspect him of having an affair with someone else?

mylaststraw Sun 05-Jun-16 11:02:09

pilates - read the other thread to get the current story, bit too long to repost smile...its aibu to expect navy husband to wear wedding ring....

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