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AIBU?

To be angry

37 replies

Stressedout1980 · 04/06/2016 23:36

My very first partner and I have remained friends since we broke up as teenagers. Because of his job frequently working away/abroad we would sometimes go months without seeing each other.

When we were together he was the nicest, sweetest person and we remained close, helping each other through studying, bereavement etc.

He has been around my daughter since she was 2 years old - as a friend only. He said he wanted more but I wasn't in the same place.

About 12 months ago we were intimate again, he said he wasn't with anyone, could see us being a family. I last saw him in March when he stated over and talked to my now 11 year old daughter about how he would marry me if I said yes.

Today I googled him he missed my birthday for the first time ever, only to find out he's married...

Shocked is an understatement. He's had hundreds of opportunities to tell me but now he's put all sorts of ideas into my daughters head and she thinks he's wondrrful

OP posts:

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beetroot2 · 05/06/2016 00:23

I don't get that you wouldn't know this?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 05/06/2016 00:32

So you have no social media etc? Literally no inclination to your friend being married? Tbh, he might have been a dick but it's not his responsibility to look out for your daughter's emotional welfare. Why was she close enough to him to have such a serious conversation?

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 05/06/2016 00:37

It's hardly the OPs fault is it she's not the first person to believe a liar.

beetroot2 · 05/06/2016 00:41

I still don't understand why she would "know him for years" and not know? That's odd? Unless he's recently come back into her life but the OP said he'd been around her daughter since she was 2?

OP do you mean he knew her up until that age, disappeared and came back 12 months ago?

Topseyt · 05/06/2016 00:45

He sounds like an arse who was prepared to string you and your DD along and deceive you.

It was particularly low to involve an 11 year old like that.

It might seem obvious to some, and with hindsight, that checking social media would be a good idea, and I guess it is, but hindsight is a great thing.

Not everyone really likes social media, nor automatically consults it and spends their lives on it.

BillSykesDog · 05/06/2016 00:48

Er, he shouldn't have said to your daughter that he wanted to marry you.

But this guy has been around for years making it very clear that he would like a relationship with you and you've turned him down each time.

Now he's got married to someone else and you're all pissed off? YABVU. What did you want him to do? Hang around wasting his life on the off chance you had a change of heart?

Given your reaction I can see why he didn't tell you.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/06/2016 00:49

So what stopped you 12 months ago? Was he supposed to wait forever?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/06/2016 00:49

Do you really need 300 posts telling you the man is a twat and to run for the hills or can you see the obvious?

He is a twat. Run for the hills.

BillSykesDog · 05/06/2016 00:51

He sounds like an arse who was prepared to string you and your DD along and deceive you.

Are we reading the same post? The only person I can see doing any stringing along is the OP. He has been quite clear he wanted a relationship with her and she said no. How is that stringing her along? Is he supposed to wait forever?

It seems to me like the OP knew he wanted to have a relationship with her and she didn't want to but liked having him there as a back up and for the odd shag and ego boost. That's the only 'stringing along' I can see.

Topseyt · 05/06/2016 00:57

I don't read it that way, BillSykes. Perhaps I am being a little naïve.

OP says she last saw him in March when he made the comments to her DD. He could have told her he was married then instead, but he didn't and implied that he was available. That was barely 3 months ago.

There could, of course, be backstory and other posts of which I am unaware.

Topseyt · 05/06/2016 00:59

Of course, OP does not say how long he appears to have been married for anyway.

1Catherine1 · 05/06/2016 01:00

Come on OP, this is majorly unfair of you. You really don't know anything at the moment. Firstly, are you sure he is married as people's relationship status on social media is not always up to date. Perhaps he divorced recently, perhaps it was a bit of a joke and he never was married, perhaps he has only just got married and last March he decided that he couldn't wait any longer for you?

1Catherine1 · 05/06/2016 01:01

Btw - the last one still makes him a complete arse as it would still mean he was in a relationship in March!

BillSykesDog · 05/06/2016 01:05

Timeline is slightly confusing and I thought that she last saw him last March.

But still, it seems a bit unfair. The OP had absolutely zero interest in this guy until she found out he'd got married. It could well have been as quick as 3 months, who knows? Not unheard of.

He shouldn't have said anything to the daughter anyway (because he was perfectly aware OP wasn't interested in marrying him). But after 12 years of turning someone down you can't really get in high dudgeon if they move on.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 05/06/2016 01:08

How long has he been married for? Have I missed that?

Sparklesilverglitter · 05/06/2016 01:10

I'm confused!

Were you ever in a relationship? Sounds to me like you just had sex 12 months ago and your just angry his got bored of waiting and found somebody?
You haven't seen him since March, doesnt sound like a relationship to me.

How can he have been around your daughter since 2 but you didn't know he was married?

Just because you've done a Google search and a Facebook page or similar says married doesn't prove anything, I am married but we split a little while ago and all my social media stuff still says married I just haven't changed it

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 05/06/2016 01:11

but now he's put all sorts of ideas into my daughters head

I don't get this. It wasn't like you were going to marry him, from your OP. I assume you didn't let your daughter just believe you were going to live as a happy little family?

Topseyt · 05/06/2016 01:14

She says that they became intimate 12 months ago (so summer 2015?). Then she last saw him in March. I would read that as March 2016.

If that is correct then he has had various opportunities to say that he is married and he didn't.

That is stringing someone along.

Potentially both could have done a bit of that.

beetroot2 · 05/06/2016 01:18

Bottom line I guess is he lied at the end of all this confusing timeline stuff. Which sucks. But don't think child would be particularly affected by it.

Sparklesilverglitter · 05/06/2016 01:21

The OP doesn't say they were ever in a relationship just he wanted to be and she didn't and it sounds they may of had sex last year.

if they are in a realtionship way not see him since March, who wouldn't see dp for 2-3 months.

A Google search doesn't prove somebody is married like I said all my things still say Married and we aren't together.

How can you know somebody have them in your life from when your daughter is 2 and not know they are married. In 9 years you don't know they are married

purplefox · 05/06/2016 01:27

Did you see him between the time you slept with him 12 months ago and the last time you saw him in March? Was he married then?

You said you weren;t interested in marrying him so why was he talking to your daughter about marrying you? Why was she led to believe by you it would ever happen?

Stressedout1980 · 05/06/2016 04:35

He has been married for 3 years plus.The pictures are on Facebook on his page and hers. I am not angry because I want to be with him, I'm angry because I thought more if him than to cheat on his wife, disrespect her and me and involve my child. He was my friend for years after all and I thought better of him. And of course I didn't let my daughter believe anything was going to happen - what he said to her was unnecessary

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branofthemist · 05/06/2016 05:38

I don't get it, how were you friends with him for years.

He was your first partner but only know your Dd since she was 2

Didn't you ever talk while he was away? since you were friends

I don't get how there are such huge gaps in your knowledge of him

But yes he is a shit. But at least he isn't your shit.

LastAnni · 05/06/2016 06:14

So you're not friends on Facebook?

AddictedToCoYo · 05/06/2016 06:43

I'm with bran

So you were intimate with him from 12 months ago until March, or were there a few intimate occasions several months apart? It's all a bit odd. This is why it's not a great idea to let your kids see people staying over until everyone is sure it's a proper long term relationship. I would not be allowing anyone to be having. a conversation like that with my child on the basis of a few casual shags several months apart.

I grew up with a constant stream of casual boyfriends and FWBs in and out of the revolving door that was my mother's bed and it is not something I would recommend.

If your child has had 'ideas put into her head' then you have to take some responsibility for that OP.

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