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I have been shouted down by a friend re: another friends wedding gift.

(189 Posts)
VinoTime Sat 04-Jun-16 18:37:18

I was signed off work with mental health problems at the beginning of February. It was a pretty rough time, but I'm back to my old self now and doing good, and I was able to return to work this week smile I was on full pay for the first month I was off, and then dropped to statutory. Frankly, I'm grateful to have received anything, though I think we can all appreciate/imagine how tight things can get financially while on SSP.

Anyway, for the past three months I have pretty much scraped by. I haven't fallen behind with anything and all of my payments for rent/bills, etc. are on track. We've had enough left over to keep me, 9yo DD, the cat and the dog fed and happy. All good. I haven't gotten into any debt to manage a standard of living we can ill afford right now, and I hacked our food budget to the absolute limit in May to treat DD on her birthday and pay for her school trips (they do a 'fun' week every May at her school and take the children on various outdoor pursuits. The thought of going cap in hand to the school unable to pay this mortified me, so I hacked every budget I could to pay it).

A good friend of mine got married earlier today. DD and I received an invitation to the evening do back in April. I have been putting whatever spare pennies I had in a jar to buy DD a pretty dress for it since then. Today we were able to go out and buy her a beautiful dress that we found on a sale rack and a cheap pair of sandals - they were total bargains and I still cannot believe our luck in finding them. I had no money for an outfit so I'm recycling a dress and a pair of shoes I found in my wardrobe - I'm hoping beautiful hair and makeup will carry me through it as the outfit isn't great blush

My problem is a wedding gift/money. By the time we received the invite in April, the budget was eaten up with other things, including putting Holy Communion money aside for a friends set of twins. May's budget was dominated by DD's birthday and school trips. I got my SSP yesterday but council tax, childcare and various other first of the month type bills have demolished the lot. There's a little left over which will buy us food until my tax credits are paid in 2 weeks time. I've got nothing to give my friend for a gift. I've bought her a beautiful card, but I've got no money to put in it (they've got a wedding post box for cards/vouchers, etc.). Another close friend text me earlier to ask how much I was giving, and I explained the situation. She text me back: You can't give them nothing! It's their wedding! How the fuck would you feel if they did that to you?!


I can't give what I don't have. I could certainly pop some vouchers/cash in the post to them in two weeks time when I've got a bit of money, but I have nothing right now. Is that horribly unreasonable of me? I feel dreadful about it, but I can't change it. It is what it is. I was hardly going to prioritise a wedding gift over my DD's simple birthday this year or ban her from the school trips which gave her a very memorable week learning lots of different skills and experiences.

YouSay Sat 04-Jun-16 18:40:14

YANBU. Give them a small gift when you can. I wouldn't give the card tonight.

SoddingPufflers Sat 04-Jun-16 18:40:29

I would just write something in the card to the effect that you will get something in a few weeks, but are so happy to be able to celebrate with them. If this is your friend, unless she is a heartless cow, she will understand.

TealLove Sat 04-Jun-16 18:40:46

It's none of her business.
Tell your other married friend the present is to follow and give her something when you can.

littleshirleybeans Sat 04-Jun-16 18:41:59

A good friend would understand a dveoylsnt want you to feel stressed or upset about it. I'd be mortified if I were the bride and a friend felt like you did.
Tell the other girl to fuck off, does she want you to sell a kidney!!!!

ladygracie Sat 04-Jun-16 18:42:34

I gave my friend a post dated cheque when she got married. I apologised & explained why. She was absolutely fine about it & told me not to give them anything.
Will you tell the friend getting married that the present will be delayed?

littleshirleybeans Sat 04-Jun-16 18:42:50

Well, that's a weird autocorrect ^
I did type "wouldn't"!!!!

plimsolls Sat 04-Jun-16 18:42:52

I think your friend was insensitive.

I'm not up to speed on all wedding etiquette but i'm sure that if you are only invited to the evening bit, then obligations for wedding presents/cash are void anyway.

Have the bridge and groom asked for cash?

Pearlman Sat 04-Jun-16 18:43:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Foslady Sat 04-Jun-16 18:43:57

If anyone should feel bad it should be your friend, a gift price should be between gift giver and recipient. I'd pop a note in with the card explain and pop a gift later when you can afford it - I'd be stunned if any bride was upset with this, I was just glad tht people wanted to share our day

Becky546 Sat 04-Jun-16 18:43:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TweeterandtheMonkeyman Sat 04-Jun-16 18:45:30

What a horrible friend!! Seriously I don't understand the point of the type of female friendships I hear about on Mumsnet . None of my friends would ever send me a text like that confused
Hopefully the Bride is a better friend ! I would just do as the pp suggested and write a note in the card.

Lariflete Sat 04-Jun-16 18:45:42

If you want to give a present send it in a couple of weeks. But don't put undue stress on yourself because, let's face it, if the shoe were on the other foot you wouldn't want your friends to go without would you?

ThatsMyStapler Sat 04-Jun-16 18:46:26

your 'friend' needs to get over herself - if you were coming to my wedding i'd be happy enough with your 'presence' (in the mode of some peoples poems) and you having enough money for your family to eat

text her back and say "i'd rather my friends had enough to eat rather than worrying about what gift we got"

(waves in case daily mail is going to steal this thread too)

Crispbutty Sat 04-Jun-16 18:47:16

You were invited to the reception to celebrate your friends wedding because she wants you to be there, not because she wants a present off you.

Ignore your other "friend", as she is just being a bitch IMO

Go, and enjoy yourself.

steff13 Sat 04-Jun-16 18:48:25

If I were the bride, I'd be mortified to think that a friend was stressed about coming to my wedding because she couldn't afford a gift. Certainly she invited you because she wanted you, not a gift.

Also, if your other friend is so concerned, perhaps she could have offered to lend you some money to cover until you get paid.

Leslieknope45 Sat 04-Jun-16 18:48:29

I genuinely would not worry about not giving a gift. I recently got married and we got a mixture of gifts, money and just cards on the day. A friend of mine wrote a gorgeous and heartfelt message inside a card and that was gift enough for me.

RaeSkywalker Sat 04-Jun-16 18:48:32

What a horrible friend! I'd just offer to bung some extra money in my card and say it was from both of us if I were her and could afford it myself.

Don't worry about it, she's being ridiculous. I hope you enjoy the wedding.

Twinkie1 Sat 04-Jun-16 18:50:08

Snap a few photos on your phone tonight and when you have a couple of quid buy a photo frame and put one of the photos in it. Won't cost much and will be nicer than cash or a bloody voucher.

Junosmum Sat 04-Jun-16 18:51:59

We were very, very surprised when evening guests gave us gifts/ money- and very grateful. I wasn't expecting it at all.

Well done for not getting yourself in to debt and I'm glad you are feeling better. If you really feel you must give something, either write a post-dated cheque or just write 'gift to follow'.

Your friend is BU.

IceMaiden73 Sat 04-Jun-16 18:52:44

Does your friend who is getting married have children? Could you offer some babysitting or something that won't cost you anything?

I would give them the card tonight and then explain after the wedding what happened x

pinkiponk Sat 04-Jun-16 18:53:38

Yanbu. It's just a wedding, it's not worth getting into debt over. Some people go mental about weddings. If you came to my wedding id be grateful you were there, I wouldn't expect a gift. The gift thing is out of control.

Lovewineandchocs Sat 04-Jun-16 18:54:06

Tell her to fuck off and MHOB. A friend of mine came to the full day of my wedding-I knew she was pretty skint. She gave us a lovely card with a note inside saying "present to follow." I didn't mind a bit and wouldn't have cared if I never got the present-in fact we got a voucher a few weeks later-very much appreciated. It's between you and the bride, your other friend should butt out!

YouMakeMyDreams Sat 04-Jun-16 18:55:44

You're friend is the rude one. We got married last year and got a mixture of cash, gifts, cards and 2 people have nothing at all. I couldn't care less. We don't live near anyone and they all travelled to be there and stayed in a hotel. One friend who gave nothing came up and home in a day because he was flying abroad for work the next morning. I invited people because I wanted them there not because I wanted presents. I would have felt awful if anyone had worried about coming because of lack of gift.

Postchildrenpregranny Sat 04-Jun-16 18:56:55

Is it expected that you buy a gift if you are only going to the evening 'do'then ?I'm not suggesting that a decent meal is a trade-off for a gift but surely if you are going only to the evening it's a fairly casual Its not actually obligatory to buy a couple a gift anyway !I'm sure the couple would be horrified if they thought you were skimping to do so . Especially as you have a child to look after Surely if you are friends they have some idea of your circumstances ?Your other 'friend' is a bitch IMO

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