To not want to see in laws every week?(94 Posts)
Since I've had the baby number 2 dhs family have started wanting to come round every weekend.
They are nice enough, a few minor annoyances but I just don't feel like seeing them every weekend. On top of that they want to see us Christmas Day, Boxing Day and they book us in for bank holidays months in advance.
They do usually ring first and usually stay about 2 hours, so not all day, and I haven't always got a very good reason not to see them as in sometimes I am home but just don't feel like visitors. Dh works a lot during the week so we don't get a huge amount of family time.
Sometimes the house is messy, not a health hazard just we are a bit slack with washing the windows and scrubbing the skirting boards. In laws are very traditional in that mil does all of the cleaning, she has higher standards than us and I know that they slag off other people's houses. So I feel a bit judged. Just little things such as when I'd had the baby she offered to sweep and hoover, even though we had just done it. I get the impression that mil doesn't understand me because when I married dh I didn't sign up to bring his cook, cleaner and secretary. She'd often text me to let me know it was so and so's birthday (on dhs side of family), I'd say I'd let dh know. I just get the impression she thinks I'm not proper.
Anyway I'm going off the point. We don't always know what we might be doing, we might decide last minute to go out, but we then can't because they've already arranged to come.
If they don't see us for a couple of weeks they do get upset.
Dh is the typical bloke he acts like the laid back one and leaves everything down to me.
Then tell your DH not to be a typically lazy DH/mummies boy and to talk to his parents about respecting your family space.
Or, if he thins you are being precious, do it yourself. Ring MIL and tell her, you can't see them so often as you want some time to yourselves plus some time to see your family. Tell her plainly that they are booking all of your free time and that it is nice to see them but is not sustainable for you.
You just have to speak up if it's a problem for you. Just take care to approach it from the point of view of it not being right for you rather than you finding their way wrong. In our family 2hrs once a week isn't nearly enough. It's about compromise though.
They sound like they simply want to be involved and I see no malice. If you keep it friendly, you can negotiate something which works for all.
Only person who is in the "wrong" is DH really who needs to help manage the new normal. Unless he is happy with 2hrs a week? Does he like it that way perhaps?
My ILs used to want to come over every weekend and on their days off, for hours at a time. They were nice people but I felt like I never had any personal space or time with just my dh and dc. I asked them not to come over at weekends but to visit one afternoon/evening in the week. They didn't like it very much but they did do it, which stopped me feeling so resentful and claustrophobic.
You need your dh's support because he has to reinforce what you decide. Also, don't get drawn into committong to Christmas and bank holidays. Presumably you have parents of your own that you have to see at Christmas etc. Even if not, you have to get comfortable with the idea that it is perfectly okay to say no, even when you don't have specific other plans and just want to be at home with your own dh and dc.
You are going to have to be brave and speak up.
If they're coming over and you decide to go out last minute get your husband to tell them you're not at home for them to visit.
I wouldn't stop going out because of them.
Book a long weekend away on bank holiday.
I'd let mil clean if she wants to.
How often do you all see in laws and family? Perhaps I need to be more adaptable?
There's no way dh would ever say anything. I don't think it with bother him if they came to live with us.
You've got two small DC and you think you should be cleaning windows and skirting boards OP? Well, knock that on the head for a start.
You really need to put your foot down about the amount of time you spend with IL. If your DH won't do it then unfortunately it's going to be down to you.
I wouldn't be too formal about it though. Decide you are going to go somewhere, nothing major, the park, swimming, whatever, and then ring her on the Thursday and say, we won't be able to see you on Sat/Sun this weekend as we've got plans. If she tries to say they'll come at a different time just repeat that it won't work because you'll need to be getting DC ready for bed or whatever.
If you start being less available they'll have to accept it. You are a family in you own right now, your DH needs to realise that and back you up on this, and it's good for you to do things as a family.
I very rarely see my married DD at the weekend, unless it's a special occasion. They go out as a family at the weekends and it's their family time. And I have my own life too.
Turn the tables. Start ringing her every week and telling her you'll be arriving in 10 minutes (or dont ring, just turn up) at a time you know she wont have done her cleaning or that will be inconvenient for her. Offer to hoover that spot she missed on the floor, re-wipe the counters, straighter her sofa cushions "for her"
Alternatively stop caring what anyone thinks of you or your house and just go about your business. If she turns up and you were planning to go out just go out and leave DH to deal with her. She wants to hoover? Happy fucking days- saves you job right? You've acquired a free cleaner and you dont even have to be there to entertain her. Seriously, you need to detach, make this not your issue and carry on doing as you planned, even if that means slobbing on the sofa in your jammies (it might have the added bonus of making her uncomfortable enough to leave)
I'm not even sure if they do judge us/me. Fil is quite opinionated and does like to tell us what we should be doing, but not in a nasty way. He's just got his ideas of how things should be.
Mil hasn't really commented on the house but she comments on other peoples, she will say she visited so and so and the windows were filthy, or their floor needed a good clean, or it was thick with dust. Pretty much what ours might look like on a Saturday afternoon.
I think you are right Mrsspectar I need to not care.
I have actually said this to dh before but it's ended in a row. So he's asked if we're free Saturday for in laws to visit. I've said that I don't know because I might want to go for a picnic and to the park with the dc, if it's sunny. I've told him he can stay home and see them if he wants to. Apparently I can't take the dc as his parents want to see them.
Oh brilliant so you get saturday to yourself to meets friends or do whatever you like, he is going to entertain both his parents and the DC. Perfect. Have a lovely day!
Where are your own family in this?
If I were you, I wouldn't bother finding excuses when they want to come round. Just say "Sorry, no, not this weekend" and if they ask why just say"Lots to do, not a good time for us".
And tell your dh that you really cannot have his parents dictating what you do with your children in your time just because they're obsessive about coming round.
Well yes, except I want to take the dc to the park or wherever.
Btw i have had years of my mum behaving like your Inlaws. She turns up without notice and will immediately point out something she believes i'm not doing right (watering my floors enough/ putting the dishwasher on early enough/opening the windows wide enough) I am well used to it and just let her carry on (i get my flowers watered and my dishes washed out of it ) but i am not married and would feel very sorry for my partner if i was because my mum is hard work. She has good intentions but its overbearing. I once asked her if my Nana (88) still comes to my mum's house and tells her what she's doing wrong. She said she did!
Take the DC in the morning or after they go. A 2 hour visit doesnt write off the whole day.
Can you change it slightly so you start going out for breakfast Saturday mornings instead of them coming round.
It will be finished by half ten, you won't have to tidy up and they have still seen the dgc. My mum does this with her mum and it's stopped her feeling so resentful of having to see her.
Well do it, if they come round and you and the DC are out, then you're out.
I see ours every Saturday. We pop over for a couple of hours. They have a huge garden so dc run wild. Iv also recruited them into picking.older dc up from school once a wk and having them for dinner. They get grandchild time and I get a wee break
My parents are retired so I tend to see them during the week, probably every couple of weeks. Same with my siblings, they stop by during the week and I probably see them once or twice a month.
My family are usually busy with their own little families at weekends.
OP shouldn't have to leave her home, or have breakfast elsewhere on particular days through fear the IL's may turn up!
You need to tell them straight to back off and stop coming every weekend! Jeez! Sometimes people just don't want visitors and that's ok! x
I know it's not all day which is why I'm not sure if I'm just being horrible. It is a bit tricky atm because we've got a baby that's quite hard work, so things revolve around his naps a lot too.
I think there is some good advice here in that I need to just not care so much. If they turn up and judge me because the house is a mess, or I'm slobbing around, it's really their problem.
If my own family turned up and I was still in my pjs and the house messy I wouldn't care, but my lot are as slobby as me.
Every week! You're lucky! Mine visit every DAY! Lol
OP you have a DH problem.
Also re this "She'd often text me to let me know it was so and so's birthday (on dhs side of family), I'd say I'd let dh know. I just get the impression she thinks I'm not proper."
Why have you not simply said to her "we don't operate like this, you can tell him about birthdays".
People won't know to respect your boundaries if you don't make them clear in the first place.
Also you need to tell DH that you and the kids might like a picnic. No one is entitled to monopolise your time. I used to see my folks once a fortnight, it's about 3.5 hours round trip.
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