to struggle to trust DP after this?(29 Posts)
Just after christmas, while pregnant, I picked up DPs phone to take down his sisters mobile number. The tab left open was porn. DP had always said (without me expressing any feelings either way) that he doesn't 'do' porn and wanking and that he only ever had when his marriage was failing as he feels it isnt much different to cheating as you're still getting off over a person other than your partner. He had expressed this many, many times. When I saw the porn open, I was surprised but not particularly bothered. However, out of curiosity I checked his browsing history. There was loads of porn, every single day. Often while I was putting the children to bed, he was in the toilet or I was taking the children downstairs in the morning; it was constant. We had got engaged at Christmas and was having sex every day so I was shocked to see the extent of his porn watching.
I casually mentioned that I had seen that he had porn open on his phone and that he didn't need to cover it up or pretend it wasn't something that interests him if it was. He swore it was the first time in years and that he'd only done it to help me out because I was ill He was really keen to emphasise this was the one and only time. That then made me feel crap because I knew how much he was lying.
Our sex life went a bit downhill after the baby but we DTD about a month ago. It was over very quickly, i think due to all the masturbation. He talks about sex a lot and I think he could have a sex addiction. Since we slept together, I have had some odd symptoms. I have had abdominal pain, stinging down below and (apologies for TMI) greeny thick discharge. I'm terrified he might have taken a step further and cheated, then passed something nasty on to me.
He is a policeman and so works long and unpredictable hours. He has a history of lying over things (he 'forgot' to tell me that his exW had called her new baby by another man by his surname and had been telling people he was his) and flirty behaviour. When we first met he was ill and messaged the nurse saying it wasn't the same being home without her to look after him. At a work Christmas party he chatted and flirted non stop with a friends girlfriend and pretty much ignored me - he blamed drunkeness.
Today I wanted to google the weather forecast but my phone was in the babys room and she was sleeping so I picked up DPs phone. When I pressed the internet button it came up as a secret tab and all browsing was secret - there was no history. This just makes me think he's hiding things again. I have spoken to a friend who has urged me to see a doctor and thinks I am right to be suspicious but my sister thinks I have been unreasonable to have ever looked at his phone and that he's entitled to privacy.
What do you think?
I think go and get an std check, first and foremost.
I wouldn't care about the porn but the frequency of it, and the fact that he lied about it would irritate me.
I think I'd have to tell him that I know it's constant. I'd lose quite a bit of respect for DH if he did this. Especially the lying part.
I think you should see a doctor or go to a clinic.
I think you had a healthy sex life with porn so his quick orgasm in your first post baby sex was standard and nothing to be alarmed about. The other comments you mention about flirting and nurses etc aren't red flags to me.
I would be very upset that someone would lie to my face quote so insistently, but he did it a while ago. Did you forgive him and move on or just try and pretend it never happened?
"he 'forgot' to tell me that his exW had called her new baby by another man by his surname and had been telling people he was his"
Presumably you're absolutely sure the baby isn't his? Because that seems considerably more likely than the exW lying about it, on the face of it...
Definitely go to the doctor, and let them know that it is possible that it's an STD (although it's also very possible that it's not).
What's so strange about the porn thing is that it seems he went out of his way to lie about it. Do you think it's possible that this was a deliberate attempt to 'throw you off the scent' by convincing you that he's 'not like that'?
We had a frequent sex life but it wasn't very satisfying for me because it was always over quickly - he knew this. I told him I knew it was constant porn after he lied and he apologised and said it was only recent but I obviously struggled to believe that. I'm guessing that is the least worst reason his phone is completely clear.
He is cagey about his phone and on it pretty constantly. I tried to forgive him but every time he disappears with his phone or doesn't come home, I do start to wonder why he was so keen to lie and why he's keeping everything secret.
It is definitely not his baby, he very much looks like the man his exW was in a relationship with. She wanted people to think their DD together and her DS had the same father.
I agree that it is very odd to lie so strongly and now possibly continue to be dishonest about something I have openly said wouldn't be a problem if he was honest. It makes me think there is more to it.
Well, an STD test coming up positive (trichomoniasis?) would give you your answer, wouldn't it?
So he only did porn to "help you out"?
What do you mean by this?
Like to excuse you for not having sex because you were ill?
You do not need to be excused.
Yes, the comment about using porn to 'help you out' rang a bell for me.
It indicates that he sees sex as a right and he can't control himself.
My STBXH told me once that if he cheated it would be my fault because we weren't having enough sex and he had needs
Get yourself to a clinic and tested.
How old is baby? If you were pregnant at Christmas then baby is 4/5 months at best?
I think the ",sex as a right" is taking his looking at porn (not the most attractive thing admittedly) and making him sound like some kind of rapist.
I think you should get checked out OP as better safe than sorry but perhaps the only dishonesty has been about the porn so while you do need to discuss it with him re. how you feel about it, outright accusations could be a little unfair
You mention being disappointed that the piv sex part didn't last very long. I can only assume this means that sex as a couple is over when he orgasms, so he doesn't try to ensure you come first or continue with other activities and still get your enjoyment out of the session?
If so, that alone would make me think he views sex as something to do with his needs, rather than a couple thing to do.
Get tested, you have symptoms, could be BV, could be an std- if it is, the longer it left untreated the more damage it could do.
Why is his browser now set to private? Has he been looking at things other than porn, escorts for instance? Who knows, and he doesn't sound trustworthy.
Green discharge = infection. Please go to a walk-in clinic sharpish.
I think it sounds like he has cheated sorry. Or at the very least is lying to you. But my view could be clouded by the fact I'm married to a policeman and recently found out he has cheated on me while he was supposedly at work! I do think there is a certain mindset in the police and from what I remember the statistics of people being unfaithful is quite high! (Although I can't remember where I read that so it could be untrue!)
I think it's interesting that you name your OP 'AIBU to struggle to trust DP' after this latest incident.
He has been lying and behaving inappropriately for years - you know you can't trust him.
I say this not with cold heartedness but with world weariness (I am 52 I have seen it all before) - this man won't change and he will end up hurting you very badly until you don't love him anymore. If you're lucky that will 'only' take 5 years, but it could be much longer and rob you of 15/20 years of your life.
Don't. Marry. Him.
I bet my house what you have discovered is the tip of the ice berg. Please try to think as clearly and rationally as you can, see him for what he is. Get tested. Then listen to his bullshit lies, hear them for what they are and get yourself out of this relationship.
He came in as i was putting his phone down so I think he knows I know it is all private. He has been shifty since. I thought he'd turned over a new leaf because his phone was always with him before but he started leaving it around again. I know now that's because it's all private anyway. If he he has cheated I think he'd be too nervous to do it with someone he had met in case they told me or affected his career. I suspect an escort
Green discharge is gonorrhea isn't it?
Please, go get yourself tested. If it is an STI you can probably be treated effectively if caught early, but if left to fester could cost you your health and fertility.
I'm sorry you're going through this
Gosh no, saying I've called him a rapist is hugely dramatic and extreme.
I simply meant that he sees (like a lot of men do) that he is entitled to sex and you are being unreasonable to say no. Not that he's going to rape you.... My STBXH never ever tried to rape me but he did think that he was entitled to sex. He would get annoyed and sulk if I said no and he would simply pester for it. And when our relationship was faking apart completely and I had zero inclination to have sex wth him he essentially threatened to cheat on me as he needs sex and I wasn't performing my wifely duty of servicing him. So it would be my fault.
The op's Dp is saying quite similar. She wasn't fulfilling her duty to him as a sexual object so he was forced by her actions to use porn. He did it to help her out.... He did it a favour to her...
He pleasures himself by watching porn because his wife had recently birthed their child and was unable to fulfil his sexual needs..... Quite frankly that's a disgusting way to view things.
That doesn't make him a rapist. Drama much?
First things first - get tested. Today if possible. There should be an NHS sexual health clinic in the vicinity, so you don't have to wait for GP.
The habituated lying is a huge warning sign - he lies automatically and unhesitatingly, and it won''t improve. You are clearly an articulate and intelligent woman - you will be able to get through this, whatever the outcome, and your sister is wrong - he might be entitled to his privacy, but that's on the assumption that what he does with his privacy doesn't actively harm your relationship.
You shouldn't have to depend on how long a man takes to come for your own orgasm. If he knows you are unsatisfied, and is not moving heaven and earth to fix that (if only for his own ego!) and on the contrary, is STILL masturbating day and night, then he simply doesn't care about your sexual satisfaction, and 100% only for his own (that squicky comment about "helping you out"!). That's not a loving partner, all the other stuff aside.
I think you have to get to the STD clinic today and get checked out.
You know he uses porn, he lies about that and other things, and has probably cheated on you.
Have a break so you can think about what you want to do.
I don't think I could stay with someone I didn't trust. Trust and respect is the basis of a good relationship. You can't respect someone who lies.
You need to get checked out. He has lied and chances are high he's cheated.you don't even sound surprised
In your OP you mention he 'has a history of lying about things', how bad is this?
So can you trust anything he says or just this porn watching/ not watching. I think its odd that he's mentioned porn is not for him, 'many times'. Who does that, why does it come up in conversation so much? Sounds like he protests too much....
The general lying would concern me more, rather than a man with a high sex drive who takes things into his 'own hands'.
However if you've got an STD, different story. It would be interesting how he tries to explain that.
Has he always lied or is it a recent thing? Why did he split up with ex?
Get yourself tested!
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