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AIBU to withdraw this wedding invitation?

(20 Posts)
coralpig Fri 03-Jun-16 21:19:00

A friend of mine hasn't been much of a friend lately. 6 months ago I had a breakdown. I reached out to her ( and one other friend who has been great). I was born depressed and almost suicidal she ignored my message, kept me at arms length in the months afterwards and most recently made me feel very guilty and ashamed for wanting to go out clubbing on my hen party. I didn't put pressure her to come out too but she was very passive aggressive that night and the next day.

She's also made jokey remarks and comments about my partners physical appearance (but insists they're jokes). I know this isn't malicious but I still think it's mean.

After lots of umming and ahing I plucked up the courage to write to her and ask if everything was okay between us and if I had upset her as our friendship had clearly changed. She replied with an apologetic message trying to explain why she originally ignored the messages when I . She said she was going through a difficult time and isolated herself. I would happily accept this but she threw herself into friendships with others and was very social with other friends afterwards. She's practically ignored and felt bad about that so things became more distant. She said she'd like to talk face to face but understands if I don't want her at the wedding anymore. The wedding is in a couple of months. I am happy to accept her apology and want things to remain civil between us but I don't want her there anymore. I'm deeply hurt and would like to cool this friendship out and phase her out out of self-preservation. AIBU to meet with her to talk face to face, be frank and civil but say that i would rather she didn't attend the wedding? I resent paying a lot of money on her place at the wedding when there were friends my partner and I were unable to invite due to numbers.

Bearbehind Fri 03-Jun-16 21:26:44

Are other people's lives and relationships really this complicated/ intense?

I've no idea what the issue is here really but I'm sure there's merit in letting things wash over you.

HairsprayBabe Fri 03-Jun-16 21:39:49

I think if you are uninviting her to your wedding you are effectivly ending the friendship. If you are happy to do that and would be happier with out her in your life then do it.
It will be really awkward but if you will be happier in the long run then it's probably for the best.

ijustdontknowanymore Fri 03-Jun-16 22:53:30

Sometimes people can be disappointing, but they may well have their own personal reasons for being so. She may not have known how to help you through your problems, and may have withdrawn from from the friendship. It's not great but it happens. Having experienced something very similar, I would say that just before your wedding you don't need the stress/upset/worry of not inviting someone who's been a good friend until now- there'll be so many other people you won't even notice her bring there!

sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 03-Jun-16 22:57:11

She may have been a good friend - but have you?

Sometimes strong friends also need a friend - were you there?

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Jun-16 23:00:01

This sounds very complicated. Has it been an equal dynamic to date?
Re: the wedding, you've got to do, what's right for you

Leeds2 Fri 03-Jun-16 23:00:26

Have you actually invited her to your wedding?

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Fri 03-Jun-16 23:01:55

YANBU. It's taken something like this for you to realise that she isn't really a friend to you at all.

I had quite a few friends at my wedding, I don't speak to a single one of them now. 2 were my BM and I wish I hadn't had them. You will look back at your wedding photos and see this 'friend' and it could bring it all back about how let down you felt by her.

Tell her that due to the way things have been, you think it is best if she doesn't attend the wedding as it's all too raw for you at the moment.

idontlikealdi Fri 03-Jun-16 23:06:21

Quite frankly bin her - you're over thinking it

Casmama Fri 03-Jun-16 23:17:28

Surely if the wedding is a couple of months away then you haven't actually invited her for her to be uninvited?
I would meet her and see what she has to say. I don't mean this unkindly but I imagine you have been a little self -absorbed recently - understandably so- so find out what has been going on with her before writing her off.

SuperFlyHigh Fri 03-Jun-16 23:43:47

I'd withdraw the invitation but note that this will most likely be the end of your friendship.

I would point out (I've been this way too) you sound quite oversensitive and sometimes people eg friends don't know how to deal with such people eg when they're depressed etc.

Also how can you be born depressed?! hmm you've either misworded that or you're being very melodramatic re that phrase!

Choceeclair123 Sat 04-Jun-16 01:58:10

Does Sallyhasleftthebuilding have a point? Maybe she's upset that you weren't there when she needed support

EttaJ Sat 04-Jun-16 02:30:53

Bearbehind I wonder that too. Life is too short for such nonsense. She seems toxic. It sounds like you would be happier without her in your life let alone at your wedding so just cut her off. You'll most likely feel relieved.

bumbleclat Sat 04-Jun-16 02:39:05

Making comments about your DPs physical appearance is so mean, none of my friends would even think about doing that, I think she's on thin ice with behaviour like that.
My wedding photo (from just two tears ago) has friends in it that have drifted that's just life things are constantly changing (hopefully for the better)

DeathStare Sat 04-Jun-16 07:26:05

So she's expected to understand that you've been through a difficult time and it has affected how you are with your friends, but you aren't expected to understand that she has been through a difficult time and that this has affected how she is with her friends?

coralpig Sat 04-Jun-16 20:02:14

Yes I have invited her- we sent invites out a little overzealously early.

Yes I feel that I have been a good friend to her. Lots of examples. I've looked out for her and made big efforts in the past when she's down.

blackbirdmilkshake Sat 04-Jun-16 20:03:49

yes yabu. To uninvite her would be both childish and the end of your friendship

coralpig Sat 04-Jun-16 20:03:52

It was a typo. I wasn't born depressed- I was 'both depressed and suicidal' at that time.

gobbynorthernbird Sat 04-Jun-16 20:12:11

Sometimes superficial friendships are easier to deal with than proper ones. Maybe your friend felt like this?

Lovewineandchocs Sun 05-Jun-16 00:23:53

Why would you feel guilty and ashamed for going out clubbing on your hen night? confused

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