To not force DSS to go on holiday

[Sherlocked1606]

Ok it's a long one.

DSS lives with me and his dad DH full time. He sees his DM 1 Saturday a month. He is 14. His DM used to see him more often when he was younger but has asked to reduce contact over recent years.

His DM booked a two week holiday for her, her DP, his DD and DSS going on a long haul flight. She didn't check with DSS or DH to see if it suited but rather booked and paid for it up front.

Unfortunately DSS has a planned trip with scouts the same time as the holiday. DSS and his scout unit has been fundraising for the trip for the last year and DSS is really excited about it. DH is going too and has already booked leave. DSS's DM knew about the trip for at least a year as DSS has been going on about it since he got a place to go.

His DM told him he has to go with her on holiday as she has already booked his ticket but DSS does not want to go. DH has told his DM that DSS is ment to go to the scout trip, it's been booked for a year and is also paid for.

DSS hasn't had a single overnight with his DM since he was 9. He isn't very close to her and calls her by her first name (at her insistence). DSS thinks that she only wants him to go as her dp's DD is going.

DSS still sees his DGM and other family members from his DM's side of the family who we have just discovered have been pressuring DSS to go with his DM.

Is DH really being unreasonable not forcing DSS to skip to scout trip and go with his DM instead?

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

He's 14, he gets to choose whether he goes or not in my eyes. I really don't think your DH is being unreasonable at all.

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

You know he is not. No way he should be made to go and they are not fair pressurising him. Your DH should have his back on this.

[Idliketobeabutterfly]

I wouldn't force him to go scout trip or not. She doesn't have him over night and tbh I wonder if she wants to play 'I'm a great mum' card..

[purplefox]

He's old enough to choose, and he has, she/the rest of her family sound highly manipulative.

As he's never stayed with her overnight over the last 5 years I'm surprised she expects him to want to go anyway.

[RandomMess]

I think it's DSS choice and you and your DH should back him all the way!

[HeffalumpHistory]

You know & his dm will know that the best & right thing is for him to choose. He's chosen the scout trip.
Barely having any contact, she's got a blooming cheek trying to now demand your dss goes on a 2 week hol. All for her convenience

[notjusttheirmum]

DSS obviously doesn't want to go with his DM
DM seems to not want to see him too much so is this just an easy way of entertaining her DPs DD so neither of the DC's are a huge burden on the holiday?
Tell her how it is! DSS does not want to go, he is 14 and capable of making up his own mind, if he lives with you she should also really be asking permission first. Very unreasonable on her part.

[GeoffreysGoat]

Sorry, mum, I'm busy that week

Poor lad 😞

[SanityClause]

That's so desperately sad, that his own DM didn't know him well enough to realise he would prefer the scout trip.

That's so sad for both of them.

No, I don't think he should be made to go. Maybe she could change the dates? It's sometimes possible to do that.

[Chillyegg]

Poor lad
Whys his mum so insistent on less contact and distant. She sounds pretty cold.
I'd not force him why should his mothers needs true. Please his need when he isn't even aloud to call her mum.

[blondieblondie]

Absolutely let him go on the scout trip. Who does she think she is?

Who asked to reduce contact? Her or your DSS?

[Chillyegg]

That was meant to say, "why should her needs trump his needs when she won't even let him call her mum"?

[Sherlocked1606]

When DH and his exw divorced DSS was 3. DH was given full residency, she did not contest this. Contact then was at least eow and days during the week. I met DH when DSS was five. After that contact would ebb and flow depending on DSS's DM's job and relationships.

DSS's DM doesn't like me as I have been a permanent maternal figure in DSS's life rather than her.i have always tried to ensure I give her her place as him mum. He doesn't call me mum for example and I away gently correct people when they call me that. I do worry I have somehow caused the lack of closeness between DSS and his DM.

DH and I have always tried to include her in DSS'S life inviting her to sport and school stuff.

DH is intent on letting DSS choose where he going however I am concerned that if DSS choses to go with DH and not his DM, their relationship will become more strained.

[blondieblondie]

She's the adult and she made the error by booking the holiday when she did. Surely any decent parent would say "that's okay. Sweetheart. Go with your friends and have a great time"

If he goes on a holiday with her that he doesn't want to, won't that possibly put a strain on their relationship anyway?

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

I think it's her who will be causing the relationship strain not him or you. And two weeks with a mother who doesn't actually really want him there instead of the camp he wants to be on is not the best thing for him.
It sounds a bit like you are trying to make things better for her/their relationship which is a) not you problem and b) not necessarily the best thing for Dss