I have no one to talk to about this as it's humiliating, confusing, sounds trivial to some and to be honest, I'm rather lacking in the friend department of late.
I've moved hundreds of miles to live with my boyfriend. I left my high powered career, left my best friend, family...I've made the biggest life changes and it felt right. Everything was great for a year here and I thought that everything was fitting in to place.
I had known he had an ex who lived here too and knew his friendship group. I didn't worry as she didn't seem to be on the scene as she had a new boyfriend and from what his friends always told me, they (her and my partner) ended on bad terms - screaming at each other in public and ruining everyone's night constantly. I got to know his friends well, especially the girlfriends of his boy pals. I was happy to have met new friends. My boyfriend told me his ex was awful and cheated on him. I didn't think there was anything to worry about. Our relationship has been superb.
A few months ago, she split up with her boyfriend and has now totally got back in with the friendship group. The girls no longer speak to me and I am not invited to parties - as she is there with all my boyfriends friends and the girls who I thought were my friends. It's odd as they all hang around in couples and she's the single one there - it's like she's sitting waiting. Me and my boyfriend stay at home but I never get left out of the snapchat story they post, so I can see what fun they're having. She even turned up at a (my boyfriend's) party where I was there and she was totally not invited, only to proceed to snog her girl mate in front of my boyfriend. She's been trying to go to my boyfriends parents house too, to catch up with his family. It's absolutely breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that a close girl pal of my boyfriend is her best mate and everything we see her she talks nonstop of his ex. This habit has increased massively since she's come back on the scene.
I'm worried that my boyfriend is going to resent the fact that we now have to stay in at weekends to avoid her. He can't hang around with his mates as she's there. If he goes out its on his own - I just sit in the house alone. It's causing deep problems and he is fed up of me speaking about it. She's even started hanging around with new friends I've made here that she didn't hang around with before, I have no one to turn to and no one to speak to. I can't talk to my family as I made the decision to move here. My best friend from where I used to live thinks it's trivial, which it is. It seems like it's only so long before my boyfriend just goes and joins the wonderful party that they're all having together - like old times.
I'm also pregnant. So the isolation and loneliness is really starting to kick in as no one knows yet. I just don't know what to do as I have never felt so out of control and helpless.
I've also moved jobs again here due to being bullied at work/not agreeing with the dictatorship that ruled (I worked at my last job for 6 years so to move twice in ten months is devastating.) I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers and sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point?
AIBU?
Why won't his ex-girlfriend go away?
Danyt · 03/06/2016 09:21
Oh you poor thing. This is horrible. 
From what you've described, she sounds pathetically insecure and a bit desperate to prove something. Snogging her girl mate I front of your boyfriend! She's trying to "play to her strengths" in this, by capitalising on her history with the people around you.
Honestly- it looks quite obvious from the outside and I wouldn't be surprised if other people see it too but feel sorry or
pity for her. It won't feel like it to you now but I suspect that majority of people see you and your boyfriend loved up, expecting a child, committed to each other (etc), and consequently aren't necessarily seeing the fact that her behaviour is hurting you. So they just see the pitiful behaviour of hers.
My tip here would be to make sure you and your boyfriend have each other's back. Don't let her or the situation she's created come between you. I know it's really hard. If he's getting resentful of staying in at weekends, make sure he sees the blame lies with his ex and not you. Sometimes this will need you to take a step back from trying to ram the point home, and just state the facts and let him see it for himself. avoid the "you shoulds" here.
I have this situation in a very watered down capacity and it's shit so I really really feel for you. I'm pregnant too and it really shocked me how fucking vulnerable and shaky I felt the first time "the ex" caused us a problem since finding out I was pregnant.
It sounds horrible girls can be real bitches at times. Being in the early stages of pregnancy won't help either, I found I felt really really low at the start of my pregnancies.
On the positive side you are pregnant yay!! Congratulations! YOU are having his baby not the ex. I would use this pregnancy to make new friends, lots of women who are pregnant want to make friends, especially first time round as it great to have friend in the same situation. Go to things even if it doesn't sound like your thing-pregnancy yoga, swimming all that stuff, you might some one you click with and you can roll eyes together.
This could be the turning point you need to make your own friendship group
That's really hard and you must feel very lonely you can't do anything about the ex being involved in the friendship group-if she's hanging around now with your new friends this suggests insecurity as a previous poster said. How she and the group of friends react when they find out you are pregnant should reveal the true group dynamic-do they want your boyfriend and his ex back together or are they just enjoying her company as a friend, now there aren't screaming matches etc and aren't inviting you as they think it would be awkward? You've moved away to be with your boyfriend but your life doesn't have to be dependent on his group of old friends-why not try to make new friends at work, join a class, group etc and try to create an independent life and support network for yourself? NCT classes, pregnancy yoga etc could suit down to the ground. Hugs x
The resounding issue for me here is the fact you were relying solely on his friends to also be your friends. You have practically no life outside of him. What would you do if, heaven forbid, your relationship broke down? The friends loyalty would always remain with him since he's their friend, you're just his partner and sure they'll be friendly towards you but if a split occurred they'd side with him. So you'd be severely isolated anyway!
You need your own life and friendship group away from your partner which is difficult since you've given up your life for him 
. I find it quite tragic. It's all well and good now you're happy together but realistically not all relationships last, children or not. I'm genuinely concerned that your whole life is wrapped around him. You need to forge one outside of him, it isn't healthy.
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I agree with the suggestions to start trying to make a bit of a life of your own, it's really not good to give up your life for one person, as romantic as it may seem in books and films. The bump and baby idea is good.
I'm confused by your saying that you can't talk to your family just because it was your choice to move away...this sort of ex-gf issue could have just as easily arisen with a boyfriend on your own doorstep, so why would they not be supportive just because you are miles away?
It's also not great that your bf is fed up of you talking about it, but TBF maybe somewhere in it all he feels that you don't trust him. After all, it takes two to tango, and you constantly worrying about the ex gf could be seen as you're expecting him to dump you or cheat on you.
Just a possibility. I really do feel for you, OP
The only thing you can do is rise above this situation...I appreciate you feel a bit vulnerable with the pregnancy, but you need to robustly establish yourself here!
I'd have a sensible discussion with your BF, agree that there is a problem, but that you can deal with it. Go out together to wherever the party scene is, act as if nothing is different, talk to everyone as you did before...even the ex, all you have to do is smile nicely at her, say hi and move on!
Once you're prepared to go public with your pregnancy, you start refusing drinks in a very obvious way, whilst protectively holding your tummy....the girls will all get it straight away!
Force yourself to act as if none of this happened and everything is normal, and it will be. But your BF needs to be totally on board, as in arm around you/holding hands/little looks...you know the type of thing!
It's a case of fake it till you make it...if these guys value your BF, and he shows them you're not negotiable, it'll all become easier, and you can breath again!
Failing this of course, there's always the alternative of you both going back to where you lived before!
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