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Why won't his ex-girlfriend go away?

(110 Posts)
Danyt Fri 03-Jun-16 09:21:30

I have no one to talk to about this as it's humiliating, confusing, sounds trivial to some and to be honest, I'm rather lacking in the friend department of late.

I've moved hundreds of miles to live with my boyfriend. I left my high powered career, left my best friend, family...I've made the biggest life changes and it felt right. Everything was great for a year here and I thought that everything was fitting in to place.

I had known he had an ex who lived here too and knew his friendship group. I didn't worry as she didn't seem to be on the scene as she had a new boyfriend and from what his friends always told me, they (her and my partner) ended on bad terms - screaming at each other in public and ruining everyone's night constantly. I got to know his friends well, especially the girlfriends of his boy pals. I was happy to have met new friends. My boyfriend told me his ex was awful and cheated on him. I didn't think there was anything to worry about. Our relationship has been superb.

A few months ago, she split up with her boyfriend and has now totally got back in with the friendship group. The girls no longer speak to me and I am not invited to parties - as she is there with all my boyfriends friends and the girls who I thought were my friends. It's odd as they all hang around in couples and she's the single one there - it's like she's sitting waiting. Me and my boyfriend stay at home but I never get left out of the snapchat story they post, so I can see what fun they're having. She even turned up at a (my boyfriend's) party where I was there and she was totally not invited, only to proceed to snog her girl mate in front of my boyfriend. She's been trying to go to my boyfriends parents house too, to catch up with his family. It's absolutely breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that a close girl pal of my boyfriend is her best mate and everything we see her she talks nonstop of his ex. This habit has increased massively since she's come back on the scene.

I'm worried that my boyfriend is going to resent the fact that we now have to stay in at weekends to avoid her. He can't hang around with his mates as she's there. If he goes out its on his own - I just sit in the house alone. It's causing deep problems and he is fed up of me speaking about it. She's even started hanging around with new friends I've made here that she didn't hang around with before, I have no one to turn to and no one to speak to. I can't talk to my family as I made the decision to move here. My best friend from where I used to live thinks it's trivial, which it is. It seems like it's only so long before my boyfriend just goes and joins the wonderful party that they're all having together - like old times.

I'm also pregnant. So the isolation and loneliness is really starting to kick in as no one knows yet. I just don't know what to do as I have never felt so out of control and helpless.

I've also moved jobs again here due to being bullied at work/not agreeing with the dictatorship that ruled (I worked at my last job for 6 years so to move twice in ten months is devastating.) I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers and sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point?

PaulAnkaTheDog Fri 03-Jun-16 09:26:41

The issue isn't the ex though. These people were her friends. She has no loyalty to you. The problem is the friends and also your partner, he should have said something by now about you being excluded. Incidentally, just because you broke up with someone doesn't mean you have to avoid them, they could be on the same night out and just not talk.

plimsolls Fri 03-Jun-16 09:31:23

Oh you poor thing. This is horrible. flowers

From what you've described, she sounds pathetically insecure and a bit desperate to prove something. Snogging her girl mate I front of your boyfriend! She's trying to "play to her strengths" in this, by capitalising on her history with the people around you.

Honestly- it looks quite obvious from the outside and I wouldn't be surprised if other people see it too but feel sorry or
pity for her. It won't feel like it to you now but I suspect that majority of people see you and your boyfriend loved up, expecting a child, committed to each other (etc), and consequently aren't necessarily seeing the fact that her behaviour is hurting you. So they just see the pitiful behaviour of hers.

My tip here would be to make sure you and your boyfriend have each other's back. Don't let her or the situation she's created come between you. I know it's really hard. If he's getting resentful of staying in at weekends, make sure he sees the blame lies with his ex and not you. Sometimes this will need you to take a step back from trying to ram the point home, and just state the facts and let him see it for himself. avoid the "you shoulds" here.

I have this situation in a very watered down capacity and it's shit so I really really feel for you. I'm pregnant too and it really shocked me how fucking vulnerable and shaky I felt the first time "the ex" caused us a problem since finding out I was pregnant.

Danyt Fri 03-Jun-16 09:31:29

My partner is of the opinion that it's just stupid girls - that he wants nothing to do with it. Which I agree with. I don't want this drama. I just feel like I've been dragged into something that is nothing to do with me and am now being excluded. Like she's now available again, they like her more, they want them back together so they can all hang around in couples again, and I should just go back to where I came from. Feel very alone here nowadays.

plimsolls Fri 03-Jun-16 09:39:56

I think your feeling excluded (that they like her more and would rather she was in the couple with your boyfriend) by the friendship group is either heightened by your sensitivities at the moment OR the ex is trying to make you feel like that.

I honestly honestly doubt it is true.

Even if it were, it actually doesn't matter. You have a wonderful relationship and a baby on the way.

Do all you can to rise above all this silly drama. Maintain a dignified silence if you have to.

Once you have the baby, you'll find a whole
new group of friends will open up (similar new parents) and you'll wonder why you ever cared about the other lot.

The ex is making you feel like you are in competition that you can't win because she has the "trump card" (history). But guess what? The competition doesn't exist unless you choose to take part.

plimsolls Fri 03-Jun-16 09:40:29

quietly starts taking own advice wink

Buttwing Fri 03-Jun-16 09:41:42

It sounds horribleflowers girls can be real bitches at times. Being in the early stages of pregnancy won't help either, I found I felt really really low at the start of my pregnancies.
On the positive side you are pregnant yay!! Congratulations! YOU are having his baby not the ex. I would use this pregnancy to make new friends, lots of women who are pregnant want to make friends, especially first time round as it great to have friend in the same situation. Go to things even if it doesn't sound like your thing-pregnancy yoga, swimming all that stuff, you might some one you click with and you can roll eyes together.
This could be the turning point you need to make your own friendship groupsmile

HelloHola Fri 03-Jun-16 09:41:56

First of all, I think you need to have a word with your BF & get him to nip this in the bud. He needs to let his ex know that there's no chance of them getting back together, which she is obviously hoping by some of the behaviour she's showing. If he's not willing to do this, then you need to question what kind of signals he's wanting to put out to this ex GF - his first priority should be ensuring you feel secure and happy, which he obviously isn't.

Although childish, this girl doesn't have to get along with you, and she shouldn't have to stay away from her friendship group - the friends she had made before you were on the scene. It's obviously hurtful that the new friends you've made have gotten in with her again and are kind of ignoring you, but I suppose it puts them in a bit of an awkward position.

I wonder if maybe you could wrangle an invite to the next party- show you're not bothered by this ex - at the end of the day, your BF is with you now, not her. She sounds like she was a piece of work when they were together anyway.

Once you show you're not bothered by her, she might back off a bit because she'll realise you're secure.

hettie Fri 03-Jun-16 09:42:55

If he's invited to the parties he should go Then he'll be able to make it clear to all in the friendship group (and ex) that he is not at all interested in ex . they may than step back from the ridiculous fantasy/drama that they can "get them back together" (assuming that's truly what's going on here).
Sorry this means you're excluded, time to try and find some other activities /new people?

Lovewineandchocs Fri 03-Jun-16 09:43:08

That's really hard and you must feel very lonely flowers you can't do anything about the ex being involved in the friendship group-if she's hanging around now with your new friends this suggests insecurity as a previous poster said. How she and the group of friends react when they find out you are pregnant should reveal the true group dynamic-do they want your boyfriend and his ex back together or are they just enjoying her company as a friend, now there aren't screaming matches etc and aren't inviting you as they think it would be awkward? You've moved away to be with your boyfriend but your life doesn't have to be dependent on his group of old friends-why not try to make new friends at work, join a class, group etc and try to create an independent life and support network for yourself? NCT classes, pregnancy yoga etc could suit down to the ground. Hugs x

Rightho Fri 03-Jun-16 10:35:45

I've moved hundreds of miles to live with my boyfriend. I left my high powered career, left my best friend, family...I've made the biggest life changes and it felt right. Everything was great for a year here and I thought that everything was fitting in to place.

IME when a woman does this it rarely ends well. I don't know why that is. It maybe because she resents what she has given up. It maybe because the BF thinks he totally has her if she'd give up her whole life for him and feels entitled to behave as he wishes, knowing she won't leave. It maybe vary from case to case. But whenever I have seen this it typically ends with the man dumping the woman. I can think of four examples off the top of my head of this scenario - woman leaving high powered job/great life/selling her own flat/ moving miles to be with bf - in two cases they were engaged and there was jilting nearly at the altar.

So this is the first issue - if you were on home turf with your own life, this wouldn't be such a big deal. You'd have a support network of your own.

Is there any prospect you can move together somewhere new and start afresh without this group hanging around? Is that a realistic option?

If not, then in the short term you need to work on establishing a new friendship group of your own - as PP suggested.

Danyt Fri 03-Jun-16 20:23:45

It's all just a nightmare I could really just do without.

kawliga Sat 04-Jun-16 07:20:15

Why is it this friendship group or nothing? Why do you have to stay home just because you can't go to their parties? Why do you have to stay at home on weekends and never go out, just to avoid her?

Sounds like you and your boyfriend can't do things together or go out together just the two of you. Your relationship is nothing without this "friendship group". You had to move hundreds of miles and leave your job because your boyfriend had to stay with his friendship group, is that right? And now that you are not in the friendship group, he is going to resent you. Even leaving aside the drama with the ex, that is not a healthy situation to be in. Sounds toxic.

If I were you, I would cut my losses right now and move back to your home turf where there are people who love you and you can have a happy pregnancy without all this drama. You built a great career once, and you can do so again.

RosieandJim89 Sat 04-Jun-16 07:32:50

Why do you have to stay in? Just go out and have fun together as a couple. Perhaps occasionally bump into the friends unexpectedly or when your bf is invited but you are not, tell him to ask if they mind you joining them. They would have to be pretty hard faced to say no and if they did it may show your bf what idiots they are being.

bakeoffcake Sat 04-Jun-16 07:36:57

I can't get over how immature they all sound! I have early twenties daughters and they would never treat people like this! They'd acknowledge it was an awkward situation but just get in with it and involve everyone.
Why can't they do this?

WellErrr Sat 04-Jun-16 07:40:41

My partner is of the opinion that it's just stupid girls - that he wants nothing to do with it.

Oh dear.

How would he feel if it were the other way round, and he'd moved to be with you, and YOUR ex was doing this whilst he sat at home isolated? I doubt it would be brushed off as 'stupid boys' then.

You need his support. You need him to acknowledge that what is happening is real and upsetting, and go from there.

Could you rephrase your OP into a letter and give it to him?

Misselthwaite Sat 04-Jun-16 07:46:58

I can't understand your boyfriend in all this. I think you have a problem with him to be honest not the ex. I can't imagine my DH going out with folk who wouldn't be anything other than polite to me. The fact you can no longer talk to him about it as he's bored of hearing about it speaks volumes about how bothered he is about your feelings.

I would be considering your options, you're now pregnant and living somewhere with little support.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sat 04-Jun-16 07:48:45

Not sure I understand, why can't you guys go out?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sat 04-Jun-16 07:50:04

missel the boyfriend isn't going out with them. He's actually stopped seeing his friends.

Toddzoid Sat 04-Jun-16 07:52:13

The resounding issue for me here is the fact you were relying solely on his friends to also be your friends. You have practically no life outside of him. What would you do if, heaven forbid, your relationship broke down? The friends loyalty would always remain with him since he's their friend, you're just his partner and sure they'll be friendly towards you but if a split occurred they'd side with him. So you'd be severely isolated anyway!

You need your own life and friendship group away from your partner which is difficult since you've given up your life for him sad. I find it quite tragic. It's all well and good now you're happy together but realistically not all relationships last, children or not. I'm genuinely concerned that your whole life is wrapped around him. You need to forge one outside of him, it isn't healthy.

228agreenend Sat 04-Jun-16 08:05:08

Maybe you are unintentionally allowing her to be a threat. Your bf and you need to go out, and show that she means nothing, and his future is with you now.

Also, you are now pregnant (congrats). Find a local mother and bump group and go along for coffee. This way you will make a new set of local friends, plus have people to talk to about your parenting concerns and joys. Although early pregnancy can be an exciting time, it can also be a scary time, as you are coming to terms with a life changing situation.

mum2Bomg Sat 04-Jun-16 08:12:31

Totally agree with 228. Also, tell her friends lots of lovely things, including something nice about his ex. If it's the group you miss, and you can put up with her, I'd maybe organise a girly night and be super nice. Decide what you actually want to happen next (not on dream land where she disappears but in real life and in a way that is practical) and make it happen. She might be an alright person if you got to know her. If you miss the group then get back into it, you show up without an invite looking great and with a positive attitude and she'll have to moan about someone else.

mum2Bomg Sat 04-Jun-16 08:14:36

If you decide she's a threat, she becomes one. If you embrace the change your man will see you're not threatened - VERY attractive!

ricketytickety Sat 04-Jun-16 08:29:33

Somehow you need to find your own friendship group outside of your bf's. Join a book club/hobby group? Find friends at work? An exercise class. When you have your baby, you'll meet other women at your antenatal group and also see them again at the baby groups you will go to - you'll definitely meet new friends then.

Are you planning on living where you are long term? Is it possible you may need to relocate back to where you lived before so you get support during and after your pregnancy from your family and friends back there?

Your bf has stayed in with you so is showing loyalty there. He is being somewhat dismissive of your worries. But you are likely feeling vulnerable due to being pregnant and he probably doesn't get that. Instead of talking about the girl, talk about your baby and your dreams of the future. It might be he's happy not to be going out with the old lot anymore. It happens when you have children, you tend to find friends who are in a similar position eg with kids and leave the old ones behind a bit. He might be very happy to do this. Tell him you're feeling vulnerable and lonely, but talk about what you love to do together and what you'll do as a family.

TheWitchesofIzalith Sat 04-Jun-16 08:31:29

I agree with the suggestions to start trying to make a bit of a life of your own, it's really not good to give up your life for one person, as romantic as it may seem in books and films. The bump and baby idea is good.

I'm confused by your saying that you can't talk to your family just because it was your choice to move away...this sort of ex-gf issue could have just as easily arisen with a boyfriend on your own doorstep, so why would they not be supportive just because you are miles away?
It's also not great that your bf is fed up of you talking about it, but TBF maybe somewhere in it all he feels that you don't trust him. After all, it takes two to tango, and you constantly worrying about the ex gf could be seen as you're expecting him to dump you or cheat on you.
Just a possibility. I really do feel for you, OP flowers

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