kids sexual exploration

(26 Posts)
boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 10:07:06

My yr old dd told me that when she was 9 another boy licked her private area at school. She then said a few monthe/week later she asked my friend little boy to do it to her and he did. She was totally distraught and embarrassed about it all and said she does'nt know why she allowed it to happen and that nobody was made to against their will. She said it was not her idea the first time and still not sure why she did it with the second child? The boy who started it said it was what grown ups do. I was calm and reassuring but very shocked though didnt show it. Im confident after a long talk she knows this is not appropriate and must never happen again etc. With it being 2 yrs ago im not sure what to do. She has no contact with either child now. Kids are all the same age.

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 10:07:38

Sorry she is now 11 x

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 10:17:54

Bump. Feel sick and couldn't sleep last night.

GarlicSteak Thu 02-Jun-16 10:21:59

I'd just reassure your DD. I'm concerned that the first boy may have experienced sexual abuse of one sort or another - or even have learned it from another child who did. Not much you can do about now, though.

It's normal for children to experiment with sexual stuff. She knows this. It isn't massively normal for nine-year-olds to know about oral sex although, to be fair, it's not unlikely they'd have seen some porn by that age sad
She didn't abuse anyone and has no need to feel guilty.

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 10:27:40

ah thank you for your reply! I have reassured her and told her to forget about it and sometime kids do silly things when they are young but she now knows it is wrong and wont do it ever again. Massive long talk about keeping privates private etc and that she needs to come and tell me if anybody even asks her to do anything of the sort again. With it being so long ago i doubt there is anything i can do but if she had told me at the time of course i would have had to take it further. I dont think she thought so much of it at the time but now as an older child is looking back, realizing it was wrong and feels bad.

MrsPMT Thu 02-Jun-16 10:33:24

Agree with Garlic I would be a bit concerned about the boy who suggested it in the first place, although it could be something like seeing porn (or walking in on parents?) which is less worrying than abuse.

I think it is normal for kids to experiment, things like 'showing their differences' IYKWIM.

I recently spoke to DS (11) about the 'pants' rule (should have done it when younger, I know) as he had mentioned his friends (younger) kissing, to explain that a kiss and/or cuddle is ok but no intimate touching until they are much older.

I think you've done the right thing reassuring DD she has nothing to feel guilty for but explaining what is & isn't appropriate.

Do you know the parents of the boys? Could you gently broach the subject?

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 10:36:38

I dont know his parents. He had a thing for dd at the time and i ut thought it was cute but but has no contact now. Am racking my brains thinking about what i told her was appropriate at the time, im pretty sure i did tell her but not to a huge extent, feel really awful now.

UptownFunk00 Thu 02-Jun-16 10:37:05

I was going to NC but I think it should be fine.

At 10 one girl touched my breasts, kissed me and Emirated sex and also touched down there.

About 6 months later a different girl whom I'm fairly sure was being sexually abused stuck her fingers in me and made up some messed up stories.

I did nothing at the time, but was pretty freaked out by it.

Since then I've been assaulted sexually several times and perhaps I couldn't deal due to what happened as my sexual thoughts can be odd (not dangerous, just off).

I think the fact she's told you is a major step she feels comfortable talking to you.

Just be there for her.

I hope your DD is doing OK.

Poor first boy may have been victim of abuse which is worrying.

I'm sure you're shocked but she's thankfully out of the situation now.

Stanky Thu 02-Jun-16 10:48:09

Sorry, no experience or practical advice, but just wanted to say that it's great that she feels able to communicate with you about this. Hope that you can continue talking and keeping things open with her. It must be very reassuring for her to know that she can talk to you about things which are worrying her. A lot of children would keep things like this bottled up, and feel dirty, wrong and ashamed. Keep reassuring her that this wasn't her fault, and the talking is a very healthy way to deal with her feelings.

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 10:50:09

So sorry that happened to you Uptown. I think my dd was worried about it but was relieved to get it off her chest. I would hate to think it would affect her in the future and am trying not to be angry with the little boy for daring to touch my baby! He was always into the girls at school and us parents thought it quite amusing but he had a big crush on dd out of all of them. Feel a bit bad for being slightly glad it happened so long ago i cant do a lot about it now and that dd is spared being questioned about it which would have upset her greatly and stayed on her mind more than the act probably.

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 10:52:09

Stanky she was very embarrassed and i suggested she wrote it down at first which she did on her phone! I told her she was right to tell me and she needs to always tell an adult even if things happen to other kids and not her because it is always wrong and the children will need help.

MusingMaestro Thu 02-Jun-16 10:56:45

It's interesting you're all focussing on the 9 year olds boys behaviour and less so the 11 year old girls?

Your daughter has now in effect taken the 9 year old boys place in this scenario. It is a criminal offence to cause or incite a child under 13 to engage in sexual activity. The age of criminal responsibility in the uk is 10 so your daughter commits this offence. If the 11 year old boys parents were to find out and report this then there could be a criminal investigation?

If it was all consensual then there would unlikely to be any prosecutions but I'd be interested to see if the genders in this this scenario were reversed if the responses would be low key and almost dismissive.

Ie She's not abused anyone really? She's incited an 11 year old boy to engage in sexual activity. How the hell do you know how he feels about that??

There are plenty of threads on this forum of adults suffering due to sexual activity with peers when they were very young (and 11 is young) because they didn't understand the nature of the activity and therefore cannot truly consent a fact the law recognises.

See the attached link.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/p_to_r/rape_and_sexual_offences/soa_2003_and_soa_1956/#a14

FirstWeTakeManhattan Thu 02-Jun-16 11:00:19

Maestro I understood the OP to read that the second incident happened shortly after the first, in which case the OP's daughter was still 9 years old.

Is that right, OP?

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 11:07:56

Yes she was in yr 4 and aged 9. Not condoning it she may have even been 8 as she said yr 4 and she is summer born. Of course i am concerned about all of them but with the passage of time not sure anything more can be done. She knows it is wrong now. But thinking of my child as an abuser is horrific.

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 11:09:01

The other boy was also 8 or 9

50shadesofTom Thu 02-Jun-16 11:09:22

Musing - read the OP.

Itsaplayonwords Thu 02-Jun-16 11:11:23

Yes, the way I read it all children were aged 9 when it happened.

It's very reassuring that your daughter came to talk to you about this. Do you think something has happened recently that has triggered the memories from two years ago, or the way she feels about what happened? I'm not suggesting something physical has recently happened, but maybe a sex ed class at school that made her see it in a different light?

It's such a fine line to explain and prepare your children for anything like that because for one thing you assume it won't happen, and for another you don't want to expose them to the idea of something unnecessarily. Equally, you don't want them to have a stigma about something that they carry through to adulthood. I think you've done the right thing to comfort her and tell her she's done nothing wrong, hopefully having your understanding will help her to learn from it and move forward.

UptownFunk00 Thu 02-Jun-16 11:13:52

Hopefully it won't affect her in the future. I think with me it was as I didn't tell anyone til about 13/14 and also because it happened with several people.

If she feels she does want to talk to another adult? If so does the school have a counsellor?

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 11:17:19

I am pretty sure she just wants to forget about it and seems happier since she told me. Thank you for all of your responses x

UptownFunk00 Thu 02-Jun-16 11:18:51

Glad to hear it - I expect she just wanted reassurance which is perfectly understandable.

scallopsrgreat Thu 02-Jun-16 11:19:38

Musing, that was a particularly insensitive post. Even if she had been over 10 it was still insensitive, given that boopsy's DD is clearly upset and confused.

The reason people are focusing on the 9yr old boy is because that was the trigger for the events. Not because he is some villain. In fact the posts have been very sympathetic towards him. But rightly, as it is the OP's thread, they have also focused on the effects the events have had on her DD.

OP your DD has showed massive faith in confiding in you. I think you've handled it really well flowers.

boopsy Thu 02-Jun-16 11:20:31

Itsaplay, yes i thought that as they have been having sex ed at school and maybe triggered the memory especially if they were talking acceptable boundaries etc. I am almost certain nothing has happened since as we had a big talk where she had opportunity to mention anything else. I guess i am naive in thinking kids wouldnt do such things and maybe only warned her about adult innapropraite behaviour when she was younger.

Itsaplayonwords Thu 02-Jun-16 11:27:34

It's seems like it's definitely the sex ed classes at school that have put this in the forefront of her mind again. It's good that the classes would have reiterated what you're saying and vice versa. She probably feels a lot of relief to have told you and it sounds as though you've handled it really well.

inarmsofanangel Thu 02-Jun-16 11:37:53

I'm so glad you talked it through.
When I am in school (my kid's school helping) the things I hear sometimes really shock me. Young children are talking about all sorts, they may have seen on TV ect.
We actually had a letter sent out to parents not long ago about children watching inappropriate content on tv/games (I am NOT saying this is where any of this comes from) Just that it IS out there.
Not all parents would be shocked about any of this unfortunately. I had one 4 year old neighbour a while ago who brought around a game which was his brother's (an 18 censored!) he asked if he could watch it at my house with my then 5 year old!!
I've been working in this primary school now for about 3 months and it has opened my eyes in a whole new way. Pretty worrying in many cases.

I has SA as a child and I know this incident is probably unrelated to this at all but these things can be hard to forget as they are so intimate and invasive. My parents never talked to me about anything like that so i had to carry the burden of what was happening to me on my own as did my sisters. I regret that - you are doing the right thing by talking and keeping that communication open. It's the making of a real bond between you.

inarmsofanangel Thu 02-Jun-16 11:40:23

ps, In no way saying your dd watches/plays any of this stuff OP, I just meant that other kids at school may be talking about it ect.

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