AIBU about this wedding guest and WWYD?

(148 Posts)
OverUnder Thu 02-Jun-16 09:17:34

My partner and I are getting married at the end of July. I'm chasing guests for rsvps especially the day guests. We have a very limited number that can attend and there are still a couple of people I'd love to be able to squeeze in.
We have one guest, a close friend of both our families, who cannot give me a definite yes or no. They have a potential job offer which may take them across the country, which will mean they can't attend. Now, if this were any other guest I'd have no problem if they let me down at the last minute, but this guest has very, very specific and difficult dietary requirements so the food they have on offer is extremely limited. If they can't make it, I can't fill the space and will have to pay for the food that won't get eaten. I feel kind of put out and want to say that maybe I should swap their day invite for just an evening invite both because of the space I could easily give to someone that'll definitely be there and because of the money we'll lose if they just don't turn up, but then I feel like a total bitch because this is a close friend we've known for years. I've tried to explain this to the guest in a gentle unbitchy way but it's like they're not hearing me and I end up feeling all bridezilla.
So WIBU to be more blunt, potentially hurting their feelings or do I just accept it? WWYD?

Runningupthathill82 Thu 02-Jun-16 09:22:12

Sorry, I do think you sound a bit Bridezilla here. If they really are a close friend you shouldn't begrudge paying the £50 or so for their food, especially as they have a very real and valid reason as to why they may not be able to attend.

Just keep their space and if they pull out at the last minute then so be it.

FWIW, we had 10 people pull out in the week before our wedding, leaving us with 10 empty spaces and food paid for. Illness, bereavement, job issues - these things happen, and when you're spending hundreds if not thousands on a wedding, I think it's a bit churlish to get sniffy over the cost of one dinner.

ItWentInMyEye Thu 02-Jun-16 09:24:43

Not sure you can take back an invite without upsetting someone unfortunately. I'd personally give them a date to let you know by, end of next week or whatever and tell them you NEED the yes or no as the catering can't be changed after that and you wouldn't want their dietary needs to be overlooked.

OverUnder Thu 02-Jun-16 09:28:15

They can't let me know until the middle of July. The venue need to know by the end of next week. I accept I might be unreasonable. My view is all a bit off when I'm getting anxious about all the details. I'm trying to stay grounded which is why I've asked for the wisdom of mn.

firesidechat Thu 02-Jun-16 09:29:08

Do you have a date by which you have to confirm to the caterers how many are coming and what meals are required? I assume you do and I would use that as a cut off for the guest to confirm either way.

Gide Thu 02-Jun-16 09:29:28

Yup, give an end date then swap to evening invite. This would make me too anxious, so I'd need a definitive answer. I don't think it's ok for them to be messing you round and nor is it ok to lose money over it.

Coconutty Thu 02-Jun-16 09:31:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuxtapositionRecords Thu 02-Jun-16 09:31:33

If it is a close friend you will want them there, and it would be a massive shame to bump them and then find out they can come. I would rather sacrifice the money for the food than not having my friend there.

firesidechat Thu 02-Jun-16 09:32:16

Ok, just seen your last post. That's not going to work then.

How much money are we talking about? My daughter had someone pull out the day before the wedding and it wasted about £60 or so, but that's weddings for you.

Haggisfish Thu 02-Jun-16 09:32:41

Really? I think yabu. How much are you spending in total? And you can't 'risk' losing fifty quid for their food. Some bloody friend.

LyndaNotLinda Thu 02-Jun-16 09:35:14

I think if I were your guest, I'd would tell you not to bother catering for me. And that if the job thing didn't come off, then that's life really.

If you ask for RSVPs by 5 June or whatever, then that's the cut off date.

It's a bit unfair of them to put you in this position. Could they come to the wedding part but not the meal?

OverUnder Thu 02-Jun-16 09:36:50

It's not just the money. It's also that I have others I would love to have there. I don't want to upset this friend , which is why I haven't just ditched them. I'm very much in two minds about it. The spaces are so limited because money has made it so we can only keep it small. I'm happy to concede IABU though.

acasualobserver Thu 02-Jun-16 09:38:48

What is the cost of the food that will potentially be wasted?

Haggisfish Thu 02-Jun-16 09:39:08

Ok, maybe a compromise might be better! Or could you just explain situation to friend and if she's free, she can come along. Hotel will prob be able to feed her anyway, or she could always get food between ceremony and evening! I'd be happy to do that if I was your friend.

firesidechat Thu 02-Jun-16 09:40:03

I agree with Lynda. As the guest if I couldn't give a definite RSVP by the date required I would regretfully decline and explain why.

Bohemond Thu 02-Jun-16 09:40:35

I would say that it is pretty rude to invite others at only a couple of months notice anyway. Surely they would realise that they are not on the A list.

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 02-Jun-16 09:41:19

As a guest if I couldn't give a definite answer then I would decline. That is the polite thing to do - there is a deadline on rsvp'ing for a reason.

I would do as suggested and say you need a definite answer by next week or how about coming to just the evening do.

JuliannalovesCliveBixby Thu 02-Jun-16 09:42:01

Just accept you may lose the cost of their food. Honestly, it's small in the scheme of a whole wedding, and on the day you won't give a shit.

Three people had to leave my wedding before the meal, so we had three empty spaces and extra dinners. Not that important, everyone scooched over and the food was so nice, the other three dinners got eaten as seconds anyway! grin

TeaPleaseLouise Thu 02-Jun-16 09:43:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsmine Thu 02-Jun-16 09:43:12

" We'd love you to come but need to give a definite answer to the venue next week. Shall I just put you down for the evening so you're not under pressure to respond?"

Yes agree with this. Honestly it's fine to say you need to know by next week for numbers. Cant imagine ever leaving a friend hanging while I wait to hear about a job confused

OverUnder Thu 02-Jun-16 09:43:32

It's £60 a head for the food and a bit more on top for drinks and desserts. Not a huge amount I know, but I'm more concerned that I'll have an empty space when I could have someone else that I want there iyswim. Just seems a shame. I can live with losing the money.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 02-Jun-16 09:43:56

Do you also have to tell the venue exactly what people will be eating so far in advance? Why? How far in advance are they going to be making the wheat free, diary free, nut free onion tart? Won't it go mouldy?

I understand that they need to know numbers for staffing etc. And I understand that they will need to know any complications with the food. But if, two weeks in advance you say "actually the wheat free, diary free, nut free onion tart is actually coq au vin like everyone else" they shouldn't say anything other than "okey doke".

Are they a hotel? If they have a problem with two weeks notice how on earth do they cope with people turning up on the day and ordering from a menu?

gingerbreadmanm Thu 02-Jun-16 09:44:41

If i was your ckose friend, put under pressure with a deadline i would accept and hope for the best. Doesn't make you any better off though. Is there no way whatsoever if she gets the jew job that she would travel back for the wedding?

Also if she drops out and you invited me as a reserve guest there is no way i would show up.

sizeofalentil Thu 02-Jun-16 09:44:45

I don't think you're being unreasonable here. This is a long shot, but could you say to them that you need to know for the catering by xxx date, and if they can't let you know by then so that you can tell the caterers you might have to serve them something homemade/home bought on the day?

Just to warn you - you're going to get drop outs on the day - we had people, good friends, just not show up, so there will be money wasted on uneaten food 100% either way.

If it was me, I'd order their meal and if they can't make it try to negotiate with the caterer or just invite someone in their place and they have to have that meal. Imagine there will be extra food on the day (most caterers make extra just in case the wait staff drop it or something) so would probably be fine.

YouMakeMyDreams Thu 02-Jun-16 09:45:08

I'm going to say YANBU. Maybe because I remember the stress of chasing rsvp's at the last minute so well. We got married in September. We had a guest in a similar situation they may have needed to go abroad for work. We kept his place for him and said even if he didn't know until the day before that's cool but he was aware he may be causing problems and was happy to just say no if we preferred. As it happened he made it and left early because he was leaving for his flight the next day.
My cousins did the same faffing back and forth. After rsvp date they said yep we can make it. Thing that may be a problem definitely not a problem. 3 days before wedding oh yeah it is a problem not coming. To lots cousins may not be a big deal but I don't have much family and we were close setting aside the £200 odd that we'd already spent. None of that family came. Not one. I was gutted.
Our numbers were tight too and it is stressful trying to balance it all. I think if you're close you may need to be honest and say that catering needs numbers next week and it's really not possible to hang on until middle of July. Or alternatively can you squeeze her in if she can come. We had one couple due a baby and the mum was confident if it came by a certain date theyvwould be there. Hotel were happy for us to not pay for them in final numbers but tag them on last minute if need be.

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