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AIBU to expect my navy husband to wear his wedding ring

(97 Posts)
mylaststraw Thu 02-Jun-16 04:19:34

Mega pissed to realise (from many photos posted on facebook) that while away from home and living it up with his mates from the ship on their numerous runs ashore he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring. Might not be such a big thing really, but while he has been away for 5 months me and the kids have been struggling with the usual boring stuff , made more difficult by the fact that we moved countries less than a year ago and are only really starting to feel settled. Still haven't got friends or a social life to speak of, kids have had problems at school etc...Meanwhile, we get the rare phone call from him, usually while en route to the pub/bar/restaurant/day out in yet another exotic location. Emails are also rare, usually practical (eg, he asked me to have a look for something he thought he had left behind at home, and wanted to make sure it was there...). We only know what he's been doing by looking at updates on Facebook, having a great time by the looks of things. I realised yesterday that he hadn't got his wedding ring on, checked back in the other photos I can find, and realised he hasn't got it on in any photo. This includes pubs, nightclubs, days out, everything. Including the one of him very drunk in a bar which had poles in the background...?!? He popped up on messenger last night (out at a bar!) and when I asked him he said he had just forgotten to put it back on when leaving the ship. What? Every time?? That excuse can't cover the years worth of photos I looked at...He didn't apologise, but said that as it was obviously important to me he would try and remember to wear it. Wow, thanks! Such consideration!
I'm not complaining at the fact that he's having some time off, I'm sure they all work hard while on board, but it feels like he just about forgets about us while he's away ,and to me the missing ring was dismissive of me and our relationship, especially in the environments he visits. What do you think about it? Would you be annoyed??

Beefles Thu 02-Jun-16 04:23:13

I'd be annoyed too! He needs to talk about his behaviour when away from you. Why would he not want people to know he's married? You should ask him that and ask him not to be so dismissive of your feelings about this issue.

Just5minswithDacre Thu 02-Jun-16 04:27:37

I think I'd be more than annoyed. I'd be worried. Not about the ring but about the shiftiness.

He said he forgot to put it back on one time but you know that he habitually leaves it off?

He lied then. What's his real reason and why isn't he being straight about it?

SkinnyChips Thu 02-Jun-16 04:31:55

YANBU I would be annoyed too and slightly suspicious... Sorry.

mylaststraw Thu 02-Jun-16 04:38:14

When I mentioned he was representing himself as a single guy at the places he visited, he said everyone on board knows he's married and he socialises exclusively with ppl from the ship and doesn't go chasing women. Not the point though, not everyone at the bar knows that! He didn't have an answer for that one...
I can believe that he takes his ring off onboard while working (possibly...), but as you say Just5mins...if he isn't wearing it in any of the photos I checked, its a habitual thing...way back before we were married with kids I caught him out taking a condom with him to a work meeting away from home....he said he threw it away when he got there, but I guess one part of me wonders if he has been on the lookout for 'opportunities' every time he has been away....

Just5minswithDacre Thu 02-Jun-16 04:48:34

he said everyone on board knows he's married and he socialises exclusively with ppl from the ship and doesn't go chasing women. Not the point though, not everyone at the bar knows that! He didn't have an answer for that one...

Slippery with words isn't he?

My DH (and my exH) works away for long stints. I feel for you if he's being like this.

mylaststraw Thu 02-Jun-16 05:04:23

He sure is. It didn't seem to bother him that he wasn't wearing it, got a bit defensive after it was obvious I was peeved...he'd said"...This is upsetting to you, and I have apologised and told you that I will do things differently." Thing is, he hadn't apologised! I often feel he speaks down to me and treats me as one of his 'inferiors' (as opposed to 'superiors smile )...not sure where to go with this, I don't feel I will get any further info by badgering, don't even know when he'll be back online, and there's still a month to go until he gets back...Let it lie, or not??

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 02-Jun-16 05:07:55

So he's got form, is evasive with his language, doesn't wear his ring and barely contacts you when he's away? I'd be very surprised if he hasn't been cheating. Sorry. But he's got form and opportunity; the worst combination. What would you do if you had proof?

mylaststraw Thu 02-Jun-16 05:15:42

Don't know, we're in military quarters, in a new country, with 2 young kids and I don't work. Live like strangers in the same home, secretly poisoning his coffee every morning?? smile

Caulkhead Thu 02-Jun-16 05:16:02

Tough one; if you keep pushing are you doing it because you're basically suspicious of him and maybe feeling vulnerable? Don't get paranoid and look for things that aren't there. It's easy to do when you're coping at home and see photos like the ones you've described. It is completely understandable, in any case I would talk it through in person, in a neutral environment just the two of you, when he is home next. Meantime, try not to fret and don't get pushed by others into assuming the worst. You're the only one who knows him and when you have the talk with him trust your gut. Til then try to be calm

booklooker Thu 02-Jun-16 05:17:07

You seem to resent his life style and consider him to be on a big long luxury cruise.

Does he need to take his ring off for H&S reasons? If so, I do not think that you can hold it against him for forgetting to put it back on again every time he has any shore leave.

It all sounds suspicious to me.

mylaststraw Thu 02-Jun-16 05:24:42

No, I don't consider him to be on one long luxury cruise. I know how hard it can be when they are on board and on odd watches, for example. There's not a lot to do, and it's often a once in a lifetime opportunity to visit exotic places they would otherwise not be able to see. That's not the point.
No, he doesn't HAVE to take his ring off ,it's his choice. It's not like he works with machinery every day or anything.
Maybe I do resent the fact that he gets to enjoy many free days doing exciting stuff in adult company, while I haven't had a break from the kids, and when he's here he can't even be bothered to go to the pictures with me to see something I would like to see....

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 02-Jun-16 05:35:01

When my ex worked away I think what it was was that I was the 'home fires'. He wanted a home, a wife, something real. But what he did was entirely forget my needs and wants and existence when he was away. He just compartmentalised.

InTheSandPit Thu 02-Jun-16 05:38:38

You mention exotic places. Are they hot??? DH has stopped wearing his ring since we moved to the ME, as his fingers have swollen in the heat, and its uncomfortable. That might be why it comes off more, but I think I'd be more suspicious given the rest of the history, and the fact he didn't tel you that was why it was off. flowers

mylaststraw Thu 02-Jun-16 05:39:19

I can kind of see how that would happen MrsT, not wanting to be nosey, but did that contribute to him becoming the 'ex'?

mylaststraw Thu 02-Jun-16 05:40:43

InTheSandPit, yes, some of them have been hot, but he's never had that problem before, and we live in a hot country....

GettingScaredNow Thu 02-Jun-16 05:50:36

My ex was in the merchant navy. He was/is an engineer.
He wasn't allowed to wear any jewellery of any kind, especially Rings. We weren't married but he was divorced and told me how his ex wife had great issue with this rule. It was a rule of the company, pretty much every company he worked for over a 15 year period.
Just saying, that is my experience.

Further to that side of my experience, I joined him on a ship for a period of 3 months. Was amazing and also such an eye opener. Part of the reason we split was after that trip I could never trust him to go away without me again.
The way they behaved and the way the majority of the men considered themselves single was appalling.
Each port they would disembark and go off to clubs/pubs/bars and most would Return in the morning a bit dishevelled and doing a walk of pride (opposite to walk of shame!!).
It was banter in the onboard bar for the next night/few days/week until the next stop.

Sorry this is happening for you, you imply he has form and like others have said, form and opportunity are a bad bad mix. Throw in prowess and peer pressure and you have a recipe for total disaster on your hands.
flowers for you. I hope we're all wrong.

mylaststraw Thu 02-Jun-16 05:55:23

Thanks for the honesty GettingScaredNow. I can believe everything you've said. He had in the past mentioned a few things others had got up to, but of course he was always really well behaved...beginning to wonder how well I really know him.

GettingScaredNow Thu 02-Jun-16 06:01:57

Just realised how negative my post was.
Sorry! Been up since Tuesday with chicken poxy DC and didn't put empathy into that post!!

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 02-Jun-16 06:13:04

Yes it did contribute. And I got the stories about how badly behaved everyone else was and he wasn't. I don't actually think he was actively cheating until near the end but it was lonely and isolating. And he was certainly doing drugs things I didn't like.

What really ended it was me disengaging too and finding my stuff to do.

molyholy Thu 02-Jun-16 06:23:50

Don't get paranoid and look for things that aren't there.

The OP has caught him taking a condom to a work meeting which was away from home. I hardly think that is paranoia.

NashvilleQueen Thu 02-Jun-16 06:41:21

the ring on its own would be less of an issue if he bothered to contact his family more often. The fact that he can be online on FB regularly (so not just being checked in or tagged by others) but doesn't bother to call or email would really hurt. I agree he is probably compartmentalising and you are a bit 'out of sight out of mind' but he's a grown man with a family and he needs to take a little more care. And that's before any suggestion of cheating or secret condoms etc.

MGFM Thu 02-Jun-16 06:41:57

I am in the navy and so is my husband. The reason for taking the ring off on board is the risk of de-gloving whilst going up and down the ladders. Look up some pictures and you will see it isn't very pleasant. That said plenty of people do keep their rings on at sea. I asked my husband just now if he kept his on last time he was at sea and he honestly couldn't remember. I don't think the ring issue is a big deal as I wouldn't expect my husband to remember all the time. The issue for me would be the contact (or lack of). I am assuming Royal Navy. I might be wrong. Anyway in the RN a deployed person gets 30 mins free phone calls home every week. Their card will get topped up every Sunday. Me and my husband would use ours up pretty much every Monday. If on a big ship you can pay and top up with extra minutes fairy cheaply. We tried not to do till is as it ends up in a vicious circle. Internet on board these days is excellent. There are welfare computers that have Facebook etc and then work computers with good internet. When deployed me and my husband would sometimes get into email text type conversations where we would ping back emails like text messages. And we tried to email very day even if for a few minutes. When alongside I would go in search of a good Internet cafe or hotel and use their wifi for Skype. I trust my husband implicitly but I do know that cheating in the armed forces is rife. That's not to say he is cheating. But I have known men to walk past their 'deployment girlfriend' to greet their wife on the jetty. I would be addressing the lack of communication more than anything.

thelonggame Thu 02-Jun-16 06:45:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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