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To not be "more accomodating" to this request even though I don't see a way I can be?

(9 Posts)
NapQueen Wed 01-Jun-16 22:27:38

I work four shifts out of seven. They usually always include a Saturday, normally a late (2.30-11pm). Dh works mon-fri term time only home by 5 every night.

If I want a day off/need one, I have to request it and normally it is given however it's a first come first served thing. Rotas come out about three weeks I advance and requests need to be in before they are printed.

Dh has been talking about a fishing day with work for a while. Apparently they were "discussing dates". I said in order for me to book a day off he would need to give me a date. Otherwise he would have to work around my shift and try and get some childcare (my mum is often on hand though I know she has a busy month).

So now tonight he has said "it'll be either X Saturday or Y Saturday" as they are both within three weeks time I've been scheduled to word 2.30-11pm.

I said I would ask my mum if she was available to have the kids from 2pm until either he gets in or I do, whichever is first. He said it was a loose arrangement, so if it come to X and the weather is crap they'll go Y instead. So basically she would be being asked to keep her day free till the last minute.

I rarely if ever work a Sunday, yet he says he can't ask people to swap to a Sunday.

He wants me to request a Saturday off work. If he knew which Saturday then I would ask (8th would be frowned upon as it is post rota issued). However I could ask for a Saturday off and then them not go.

I am also on annual leave at the moment so had last Saturday and this coming Saturday off as it is included. It would be incredibly poor form for me to then ask for another one off straight after.

I feel like I have to defend myself, which he sees as me nagging or "going on about it" - yet I feel like he just doesn't get that I can't simply ask to not work a shift just in case he ends up wanting to go out that day.


StubblyLegs Wed 01-Jun-16 22:48:18

He either gratefully accepts your mum being on standby for the Saturday and hopes that weather permits, or, hopes that the weather forces the event to change to the Sunday. Or, and here's a novel idea, sorts out the childcare himself and has the front to ask a member of his family to be on standby for the two potential days.

As a parent he has to accept that best laid plans regarding hobbies or outings (i.e. leisure activities) don't always pan out as we'd like due to childcare issues, child illness etc. Why the fuck agree to a Saturday event anyway knowing it would cause so much drama? If he definitely couldn't make it without putting others out, then why fucking agree to it and then put the onus on you to accommodate his jolly and leave you feeling like you have to defend your decision to do your job conscientiously.

I'd give him the option of you too generously if you ask me asking your mum for one days standby grace for the Saturday and hope that it gets put back to the Sunday while he does a rain dance the night before.

AnnaMarlowe Wed 01-Jun-16 22:51:24

He outing, his child care issue. Preferably not bothering your Mum.

Ginmakesitallok Wed 01-Jun-16 22:54:10

It's up to him to sort out childcare- if he can't then he can't go. Ridiculous to expect you to sort it.

MrsSpecter Wed 01-Jun-16 22:57:58

This isnt your issue. Dont take on the responsibility of sorting this. He wants an outing, he sorts childcare. You just go to work as normal.

NapQueen Wed 01-Jun-16 22:59:34

I just feel like he thinks I should be able to jiggle my shifts. If I had one specific date I'd at least ask but it's all so ad hoc.

Even if it was way in advance, I can't ask for two Saturdays in a row off really knowing that only one of them will be used.

I wish he had even said "if you can get X off work and it then gets pushed back to Y then obviously I won't go".

His mum is around and often off a Saturday yet he hasn't even suggested asking her. She's the same though - laid back and ad hoc about everything.

I think I'm just not going to mention it again. He can sort it

SolidGoldBrass Wed 01-Jun-16 23:18:25

Is this part of a pattern, OP? It rather sounds like that thing a lot of men do, which is refusing to accept that they can't have everything arranged to suit them and that their wives (and other women in the family) do not exist purely to make sure that the childcare is sorted whenever the man wants to pursue his hobbies.
You are working these weekends. It's not as if you were off on the piss with your mates (and even if you were, whoever booked the childfree time first as a firm date gets priority unless there is a genuine emergency). He can either talk to his family about looking after DC or pay for a professional babysitter. Does he disapprove of you working, or consider your job a hobby - or is he jealous because it's higher-earning and higher-status than his?

MrsSpecter Wed 01-Jun-16 23:22:53

I just feel like he thinks I should be able to jiggle my shifts. If I had one specific date I'd at least ask

So make it crystal clear that you cant. By not doing it.

he can sort it

Yep. Thats it. End of story. Not your problem.

Inertia Wed 01-Jun-16 23:56:28

You'll be at work.It's up to him to sort childcare or take the children.

I'd be worried that not mentioning it indicates to him that you've fitted in with his plans- I would be making it absolutely crystal clear that you will be working on your rota days. It'll become your problem if he slopes off to fishing at 9am on a Saturday when you have to go to work at 2.

When he was discussing dates, he needed to say that he wasn't available on Saturdays.

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