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AIBU to think I wasn't rude?

(136 Posts)
lalalalyra Wed 01-Jun-16 18:06:11

I have a 3 week old baby so I'm aware I may be being a bit hormonal, but I'm seriously tempted to put my foot down over a friendship Ds2 (8yo) has because I'm growing to really dislike the child's mother.

I'm 38, I have 6 children from 17-3 weeks. So far I've managed not to kill, maim, permanantly misplace or seriously traumatise any of them - the teens are a bit iffy atm as they found my teenage Greece holiday photos in a box last week and apparently seeing your clearly drunk mother on a bucking bronco in a club is 'sooooo sad and embarassing' but I'm sure they'll get over it. My kids are happy and healthy and I've working fucking hard to make sure my issues with my parents (they were neglectful and abusive so I ended up being brought up by my grandparents from 7) don't impact them negatively in any way.

DS has a new friend. New friend's mother is a counsellor. Someone else (I'm not sure who and I'll be having words when I find out) has mentioned to her that I'm seeing a counsellor atm after a massive fallout with my siblings when our father died. New friend's mother has taken to commenting on every single decision I make about DS and what he's allowed or not allowed to do and trying to analyse it in terms on my past. I see her every day at the moment when I take DS to playscheme, once school is back I'll see her twice a week at activities. I won't see her at the school gate as DS walks himself - a decision I've apparently made as seeing children being met at the gate by their parents is obviously painful for me as I was never met at the gate by mine.

I've said to her twice that I don't dwell on the past. I've also said twice, politely, that I would never mix social crowd with counselling so I'm quite happy with my own counsellor, but she's still going on. Everything is a thing and today the boys asked if they could go to an adventure place after the playscheme. I said no because it's the kind of place we'd go as a family if we were going and we'd done something DS wanted to do yesterday so today I'd promised DD3 we'd do feet painting. This apparently (because yesterday's choice by DS was at home) suggests that I'm nervous about my children being around strangers and I lack confidence. I, admittedly rather abruptly, told her I didn't lack confidence, I just don't feel the need to say yes to everything DS asks and I'd rather she stopped trying to analyse me when she knows nothing about me or my past. We then left as I didn't want to discuss it any further and I didn't want a scene at playscheme because I'm actually the chairperson.

She's mentioned to a committee member that she's concerned about me because it's not like me to be rude! I'm now bloody livid. Any suggestions of polite, but firm ways to tell her to back the fuck off? I've enough on my plate as DH goes back to work next week and that means he's away for 10 days and my new HV is humming and hawwing about 'lack of support' even though I'm fine, baby is thriving and my PIL are a great support and 5 minutes away. I get that people are nice, but no-one was bloody concerned when I was on crutches and barely able to walk with SPD and had 5 kids, I've now got the ability to walk and a newborn who luckily has taken to BFing like a dream and is considerably less work than the pain of SPD!

Bee182814 Wed 01-Jun-16 18:12:26

What a pain in the arse! Can't you just laugh at her next time and make her feel really small? Something like 'haha I would be a bit screwed if I lacked confidence in my parenting after 6 kids!'

ElspethFlashman Wed 01-Jun-16 18:12:50

I would use my secret deadly weapon - the word "inappropriate". Professional people like counsellors recoil from it.

Use liberally.

Peppapogstillonaloop Wed 01-Jun-16 18:13:22

Gosh she sounds like hard work! What a pain for you.. Trouble is is sounds like whatever you say she will in some way analyse!! Can you avoid her more?

If not I think perhaps you have to be blunt, something like: your constant analysis is inappropriate and makes me very uncomfortable. I have a counseler, I am very happy with her and I do not wish to discuss my past/thoughts/etc with you or anyone else. Please respect that.

NatashaRomanov Wed 01-Jun-16 18:18:16

Tell her that if she continues to attempt to analyse you without your permission and without knowing your background, you will report her to her to her regulating body for unprofessional behaviour.
Screw worrying about being polite, she isn't!

And congratulations on the new baby!

MrsWalterBishop Wed 01-Jun-16 18:19:38

I would use my secret deadly weapon - the word "inappropriate". Professional people like counsellors recoil from it.

Definitely this!
Yanbu. I'd have to tell her very politely to fuck off mind her own business.

Pimmmms Wed 01-Jun-16 18:19:52

Just google 'why you shouldn't counsel your friends' and you get some very interesting reading material.

She is acting in a highly inappropriate manner!!!!

psychcentral.com/lib/why-your-therapist-cant-be-your-friend/

branofthemist Wed 01-Jun-16 18:21:36

Oh god!! I know her, well not her but someone like her.

I used the word 'inappropriate' and 'aggressive in her attempts to analysis my behaviour'. The word unprofessional helps too.

PetrolBastard Wed 01-Jun-16 18:22:27

Oh my god, I would go flipping apeshit.

DelphiBlue Wed 01-Jun-16 18:24:41

Well she's clearly not a very good counsellor if she feels that this behaviour is appropriate. At a playgroup ffs! She sounds awful.

Nanny0gg Wed 01-Jun-16 18:26:21

Point out she is being inappropriate (discussing personal matters in public) and unprofessional (touting for business/analysing people in social situations).
Ask her what professional body she belongs to...

AnnaMarlowe Wed 01-Jun-16 18:27:35

Elspeth is completely correct.

Next time calmly and quietly tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate and completely unprofessional and you will report her to her governing body if there is any reoccurrence.

Apart from anything else, second guessing and undermining another parent in front of their children is seriously poor form.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead Wed 01-Jun-16 18:28:58

Highly inappropriate and unprofessional of her!

And with the poor social skills to verbalise her judgements rather than keep them to herself (not that she should make them at all)

ilovesooty Wed 01-Jun-16 18:30:42

I can't imagine why any decent counsellor would think this kind of behaviour is acceptable.

lalalalyra Wed 01-Jun-16 18:31:09

Inappropriate is the word I was looking for! I hate when you are trying to deal with something like an adult and your brain forgets the best words.

I'm thinking of sending her a text. Just saying that I find her constantly trying to analyse me inappropriate and that it makes me uncomfortable. I find it particularly uncomfortable that she does these things in front of children, which is particularly inappropriate at the playscheme given it's my, albeit voluntary, main place of work. I don't feel that a counsellor should be an aquaintance and vice-versa. There is nothing wrong with me, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, I have a good support network and plenty of people I can turn too should I need them.

Does that say 'fuck off an leave me alone' politely?

delphi that was my thoughts. She obviously can't judge people very well if she thinks it's helping at all.

WorraLiberty Wed 01-Jun-16 18:34:09

I think "Fuck off sticky beak" would suffice.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 01-Jun-16 18:34:37

Yes, 'inappropriate' works well!!

AnnaMarlowe Wed 01-Jun-16 18:37:23

Lala stop after vice-versa. Skip the last sentence, none of that is any of her business, don't give her an 'in' to think that it is.

Chilver Wed 01-Jun-16 18:38:02

I would send what you wrote up to 'There is nothing wrong with me...' That part is unnecessary and opens up more analysis on her part!

Chilver Wed 01-Jun-16 18:38:36

Cross post AnnaMarlowe!!

YouTheCat Wed 01-Jun-16 18:39:06

Definitely use 'unprofessional' and 'inappropriate' very liberally. Add a head tilt and ask her if she's seeing a counsellor for her 'issues'?

1frenchfoodie Wed 01-Jun-16 18:40:01

You were not rude and your suggested text sounds good but I'd not include the 'There is nothing wrong with me, I'm happier than I've been in a long time' - you do not need to justify yourself to this woman.

CodyKing Wed 01-Jun-16 18:40:31

Is he an only child?

I find people conveniently forget your have raised older kids

That said - yes to unprofessional - speaking to another person about you is wrong!

Tell her to did off!!

Well done raising 6 kids - tell her you're writing a book on annoying parents and would she mind contributing?

WhatALoadOfWankers Wed 01-Jun-16 18:40:53

OMG all of the above and she should know that as a counsellor , this information however it was delivered should not be referred to
It's your decision and if you wanted her to know you'd have told her
It's basic stuff

I'd fucking throw the lot at her

expatinscotland Wed 01-Jun-16 18:40:58

'Tell her that if she continues to attempt to analyse you without your permission and without knowing your background, you will report her to her to her regulating body for unprofessional behaviour.'

This.

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