To know I can't go back from this?(8 Posts)
Relationship with OH (not the father of my 3DC) has become increasingly toxic. I'm very feisty, and had a difficult childhood with an abusive SF, so find shouty, angry confrontations very triggering. I suffer from long term anxiety and depression, and lately the arguments with OH seem to be more frequent and less easy to overcome. I am a difficult person to live with, I acknowledge that, but I don't believe the toxicity is all down to me. To cut to the chase, I ended up having to call the police tonight because there was a lot of verbal aggression both toward me and my mum who is up for a couple of nights - (she tried to intervene when things got heated and it made things worse). He didn't actually do anything but I was scared and so were my kids. I can't have him back, because my children deserve to feel safe in their own home, but I really could do with some guidance as to how to handle this. I love him but I know this is not how healthy relationships look. I know I'm half the problem, but I want to know from any of you that have been through this sort of toxicity, how do you see through all the inevitable honeyed words and promises and keep strong so you can do what is right.
This is a genuine post, and I'm looking for genuine answers as to how I can manage this split with dignity and the least amount of agony, so please, please be gentle, as I'm reeling right now.
Hi Ginger, I will PM you as I don't want to go into the specifics of my relationship on here in case anyone recognises me. x
Clean cut off of all contact - it leaves a hole in your life that was filled with the roller coaster of a dramatic and toxic relationship but imo the quickest and easiest way is clean cut, make the decision and stick to it, make yourself busy (easy enough with 3 dc) and if you feel weak remind yourself how awful it is, it is like giving up an addictive substance imo. If you have mutual friends you may have to distance yourself for a bit, not go to places he will be etc.
I'm not in your situation, but I'd like to think that if I were, I'd keep the fact that its my responsibility to show my children what a healthy happy relationship is at the forefront of my mind. The thought of setting the tone for their future relationships would (I hope!) drive me to do the right thing no matter how much it hurt doing it.
Thankyou. You are right, and I do (having been through it myself as a child) owe it to my children to show them that no relationship is worth this anxiety. I need to read your replies over and over, because my heart is breaking. I know it's the right thing to do, but right isn't always easy. Thankyou for your thoughtful replies x
If it helps, view it as an amputation of a gangrenous limb.
If you leave it attached, it's going to eventually kill you - but you're going to miss it horribly because it's a limb! And you'll probably get phantom pains in the area still, because the nerves still think of the limb as being attached - but in the end, it's the only thing to do for you to heal, stay alive and recover.
Agree with them too.
When you say it was half your fault, well yes it may be (don't know) but that fact in no way makes it worthwhile to stay in the relationship.
Instead of blaming either him or you, just go "We weren't suited" it is more respectful to each person and it means that you don't have to some sort of forensic examination of a dead horse for no benefit.
All that self flagellation is dragging you back into the relationship, you need to starting saying "We just weren't compatible" or "God, we really brought out the worst in each other", things which view the relationship in the past tense, and with relief that that is where it is.
As dc were present when the incident took place the police may make a referral to SS, but if you are intent ending this toxic relationship you have nothing to fear.
Don't be swayed by any promises to change and pleas for 'another chance' and don't hesitate to call the police again if your ex makes a nuisance of himself.
Make contact with your nearest Women's Aid service and enrol on the Freedom Programme www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
If you haven't done so already, seek treatment for your anxiety and depression. Visit your GP to discuss which antidepressants can best lift your mood and ask to be referred for a talking therapy to address any childhood experiences that are negatively impacting on your adult life.
Begin the process of removing your ex's presence fro your home by bagging up any property that belongs to him and either have it delivered to his new address by a third party, or state a time when it can be collected from outside of your home preferably when you have company in the form of a friend/neighbour/relative.
Consider re-arranging rooms/furniture to give your home a 'man-free' makeover and treat yourself to new bedlinen.
Doing "right" creates its own momentum and, when you have recovered from the shock of last night's events, you may find that it's not as difficult as you may currently believe to downgrade your present feelings from love to indiffference as your dc begin to thrive in the security of a peaceful environment.
If you feel yourself waver remember that only you stand between your dc becoming all that they are meant to be, or being at risk of repeating your history in their adult relationships.
Be kind to yourself and know that this particular phase in your life will soon pass and be replaced by a brighter future.
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