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AIBU or is my SIL?

(166 Posts)
user1464715887 Tue 31-May-16 19:11:33


Just looking some points of view......

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, my husband works away from home a lot so can be away for up to a month at a time, when he's home he's home for a week or two before he has to go again, my kids go to a fab school which I love and gets a great rep! The question is aibu.....

My Sil has asked me that if she sends her kids to my kids school will I bring them and collect them two/three days a week and she will pick them up when she finishes work at 5? This means I have mine and hers to bring and look after on a regular basis. The prob is because my husband works away a lot when he's home we like to spend quality time together and reconnect as a family, if I'm child sitting I don't know how this will be possible, how do I say no without hurting feelings.

She can send her kids to the school beside her work which has breakfast and after school clubs which would mean she could do pick ups herself but doesn't want to send them there because although it's a good school it doesn't have the rep my local one has!

TIA for your advice!

WipsGlitter Tue 31-May-16 19:18:48

Don't do it. It will be three days not two. She'll never be there at five. You'll have to engage in chit chat every day. What if you're not looking after them up to her "standard". Will she pay you?

ToadsforJustice Tue 31-May-16 19:19:53

I would say no. It's too much responsibility and you can bet that SIL will pick them up later and later AND expect you to feed them.

I would tell her that it would impact too much on your family time when DH is home.

loveulotslikejellytots Tue 31-May-16 19:21:15

YANBU, don't do it. It won't work out properly and you'll resent having them there when your DH is home. What is she going to do with the kids during all the school holidays? Will you be expected to have them 5 days a week 8-5?

Say no, politely, no need to cause an argument and if she's a decent person she should understand.

WellErrr Tue 31-May-16 19:22:06

Say no. Somehow.

Buggers Tue 31-May-16 19:23:13

I'd say no but to maybe avoid too much of a falling out offer to help her find a childminder that could pick them up from the school she wants and watch them at hers until she gets home?

miraclebabyplease Tue 31-May-16 19:24:27

Say no. You will resent it.

Hodooooooooor Tue 31-May-16 19:24:29

Nobody is being unreasonable. She asks, you say no. Then everyone acts like grown ups and there is no problem.
Isn't this aibu rather premature?

pilates Tue 31-May-16 19:24:38

Don't do it, it will be a right pain in the arse for you.

pictish Tue 31-May-16 19:24:41

Say no and just be honest about it. Tell her it's too much of a commitment and not something you'd agree with for anyone, so not personal in a refusal...just not something you're willing to agree to. Stick with the no.

pigsDOfly Tue 31-May-16 19:25:26

Also it's going to impact on your relationship with your own children. I used to enjoy the time with my DCs when we were coming back from school it's a good time to catch up and chat about their day.

You won't be able to chat to your own if there are other children there.

I did similar things, picking other children up as a favour or giving teachers lifts, when my DC were at school and I always ended up resenting it.

HindsightisaMarvellousThing Tue 31-May-16 19:25:38

I'd say no and use the excuse of swimming lessons/music/gymnastics etc after school to which you can't take all the children.

monkeywithacowface Tue 31-May-16 19:26:10

Just say no. You will regret it and once her children are at that school you will feel obliged to continue the arrangement. Just say sorry you can't commit to it and get your DH to have a word too. It's a huge ask and not remotely unreasonable to say no. She will just have to pay child care like everyone else

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 31-May-16 19:27:19

How many kids has she got?

If you don't want to do it, say no. Just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you're available to take care of kids other than your own.

Would she be paying you?
Would you be registering as a CM?
What happens when your kids move on to secondary? Will you still be expected to do pick ups?
What if you want to go back to work in a few years?

Basing her school choice on your ability to pick up her kids probably isn't the best plan anyway, it's a huge assumption on her part that you'll be available for years to come.

pictish Tue 31-May-16 19:27:20

Btw - there's no way in HELL I would agree to that given the same circumstances. I'd hate to have to have someone else's kids at mine three days a week...what a bind!

Just. Say. No.

monkeywithacowface Tue 31-May-16 19:27:24

I did it for a friend (I offered she didn't ask) it was for a year and I hated every moment of it I really regretted opening my big mouth!

Gide Tue 31-May-16 19:27:28

Tell her no and explain like you have here, simple.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Tue 31-May-16 19:27:58

YANBU. That's way too big a commitment. I wouldn't want other children here until 5 2/3 times a week (and it would probably be 3, and then more when she can't get away to do the school run). Best to not start it in the first place.

I was asked to do regular family childcare due to me being a SAHM. I said no although I did have my poor health as a reason to say no. I wouldn't have wanted to do it anyway.

RaspberryOverload Tue 31-May-16 19:29:05

If you agree to this, it won't stay at 2/3 days for long. If she works full time then eventually you could expect to collect the children every day.

Specky4eyes Tue 31-May-16 19:29:11

Please please please don't do this. There are many threads on here of arrangements like this going wrong.

LotsOfShoes Tue 31-May-16 19:29:20

Say no, it will be too much. Ocasionally would be one thing but this would be a permanent arrangement for years to come. If she is rash enough to presume you're a free babysitter and taking care of 2 extra kids is no significant effort to you, you can bet that it will be at least 3 days a week, she'll be late regularly and you'll have to feed them. EVERY WEEK FOR YEARS!!! The fallout from you saying no now is nothing compared with the fallout a year down the line.

ChicRock Tue 31-May-16 19:30:15

It's very rare that these family type loose arrangements work out with no resentment on one side.

Worst case scenario - 3 days a week turns into 5. It's at least 6pm by the time she finishes work, nips to the shops, stops for fuel, etc. You've fed your own kids so have had to feed hers too. Then she gets to yours, hangs around chatting, it's getting on for 6.30. She complains because child A has come out of school without their coat/bag/PE kit and somehow it's your responsibility and is there any chance you could make a start on their homework in future... I could go on and on.

I would simply say "I'm sorry, I'll have to say no, I can't commit to this, I sure you'll be able to find a fantastic childminder".

Witchend Tue 31-May-16 19:31:13

No. If nothing else after a month or so, however well they get on now, they will fight like siblings cat and dog.

That time after school they need for downtime too.

LotsOfShoes Tue 31-May-16 19:31:42

I should also add, I am usually very pro for family to help each other out. But there are sooo many assumptions that she has made here - what if you decide to take a job? What if your kids will have hobbies in the afternoon? What about when her kids start having hobbies and training? Etc etc

Cheby Tue 31-May-16 19:32:28

I would say no too. And actually I'm fairly gobsmacked that some people have the brass neck to ask this kind of favour to be honest. It's a huge inconvenience.

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