to cancel a treat(40 Posts)
Do you know why her attitude is bad? Is she scared that she won't pass?
If the treat was based on achieving results, then no, I wouldn't cancel based purely on behaviour.
What kind of behaviour are we talking? If she was deliberately destroying property then I'd say shed need to put the damage right or perhaps cash in the treat?
If the treat was based on whether she worked hard and she hasn't worked hard then yes, the treat needs to be cancelled. She can't get a treat for nothing.
Sounds more like she's anxious about the results and self sabotaging, I imagine she cares very deeply! Hope old is she?
Surely you can't cancel until after exams, when you can judge her effort and preparation. Cancelling now seems rather unfair and demotivating.
And why are you so hands on ? I've not got involved in dc revision for several years unless asked.
If the treat is for working hard and she isn't then cancel the treat. Better to deal with it now than in a GCSE year.
Hang on though - are you inadvertently putting lots of pressure on her?
She's 13. It's very common for 13 year olds to start saying that they won't pass or it doesn't matter what their results are. Difficulty concentrating isn't unusual either. They are coping mechanisms.
Leave her to revise. She shouldn't need you to help her. If she does, ask her to move on and say you'll come back to that bit, or tell her you are only going to help if she concentrates and pays attention.
There's a lot of things going on at 13. She's scared of failing and letting herself and everyone else down. She's probably worried that she's not grasping some things. She's reverting to childish behaviour as relief because she's got adult pressures and she's not yet an adult.
Okay, do you still have time before her Exam?
If you want her to learn the importance of prep for exams, clearly define what she needs to do get the treat - your idea of working hard enough and hers are likely to be different. Stick to things like writing an exam revision plan, present a 5 min topic summary after dinner, anything with a tangible outcome (or it won't get done).
Can you afford to take a financial hit on losing the Tickets? Can you give them away or eBay them as a last resort?
I would park the treat away & talk to her about it. She maybe feeling the pressure of the treat.
Talk to her like an adult, but treat her like her age.
She may sigh a big sigh of relief when/if you say something like 'I don't think I should have linked a treat to these exams, let's ignore that and at the end of year plan something nice together regardless of exams'
Children do better if they are intrinsically motivated then children who are motivated by getting something.
There is enough pressure on being 13, I would completely separate exams & nice things together.
Or you could try with, I can see your really stressed, the tickets are yours whatever happens and leave her to it.
13 is young enough to still work out whathe works and what doesn't
FGS she is 13! How much pressure are you putting on her?
I'd lay off that, she sounds as if she's reacting to feeling anxious about the exams/results. And as far as I can imagine, she is correct - the results will mean FA in the future. You are not asked for exam results from age 13 in job interviews or university applications.
If you have told her said treat is dependant on her working hard and she is not then you mustn't reward with the treat, as if you do she will realise that your ultimatums are just empty words and then where is her incentive to take you seriously.
TBF Hell- we don't know that they'll mean 'FA' in the future. They might dictate which group she goes in in Sept, whether she does double or triple science, a MFL and so forth.
We also don't know 'how much pressure' is being put on the DD., and I am often surprised here on MN how often the concept that any pressure on a DC is considered to be a bad thing and that a DC who fails to put the effort in is doing so because they're scared of failure rather than because they're lazy and refusing to engage with the consequences of that laziness.
If you are offering a reward for behaviour or actions, then the behaviour/actions need to be specific and measurable.
So "work hard and you'll get X" is meaningless because your idea of working hard and her idea will be different.
"Do X hours of revision every day" or "Achieve at least a C on 3 mock exams" are specific goals that she can take action on.
Speaking as one who was often just plain lazy about revising for school exams (nothing to do with being anxious about not passing) I'd say, yes, cancel it - if she really hasn't been working and results are not what you'd normally expect.
But she needs to want to work for herself and her own pride and sense of achievement, surely? For that reason I've not been involved in DD's examination preparation since secondary school - the teachers at her school pile on the pressure and I think that's enough. If your DD doesn't want to work for herself then 13 is a good age to learn that lesson in some ways? It's also hard to differentiate between a teenager not working and just bravado - or using the "I've done no work" as an insurance policy in case the results aren't what they're hoping for.
If you cancel it now though would she not just throw in the towel thinking what's the point revising at all? Dd is younger (in year six) and I told her if she tried her best (her best that she honestly knows she can do not just going through the motions) then I would reward her. She did so we are going. I think in your case is just sit her down and say that you want her to try her best for herself, and that as you being involved is obviously not helping that you are going to leave her to it and just not mention it. She might be feeling more pressured than you think. If she then asks for help give it. Or is there another family member who she could phone if stuck? Dd often takes help from my dm better than me.
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