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To not be sure i want my DD to play with her DS?

(16 Posts)
doubleginplease Tue 31-May-16 10:41:36

I've had a couple of playdates with a woman I met on a parenting forum a while ago. She's got a 3 year old DS and Ive got a 22 month old DD. She's very keen on having playdates as shes on maternity leave after having her DS2 though i work 3 days so its a bit harder for me.

During the past 2 playdates we've had, her DS has physically hurt my DD. The first time we had a play date he hurt her by whacking her across the head and then he approached her with a toy hammer and tried to hit her across the head with it (whilst she was in my lap), I managed to intercept and say loudly 'No thank you'. His mother just sighs and says his name.

The same playdate he growled at her and snatched every toy off her. The 2nd play date, he grabbed her by her hood and pulled her over and then when briefly told off by his mother (I noted she mock hit him) who then asked him to say sorry and he refused- which she accepted. He did it again saying 'I was taking her to play!!' which his mum said 'thats ok then'.

We've met in a park a few times, which he spends generally screaming and running off. I do understand that this is what 2 year olds do and I've got no experience of them as Im not there yet though my DD is starting to become more more active and does test me more so nowadays. I do feel slightly uncomfortable as I feel like I have to defend DD from him.

AIBU and a bit PFB or am I right to cancel the next play date? (I should add I have very recently lost my DF very suddenly and might be a bit more protective of DD than usual)

KittyVonCatsington Tue 31-May-16 10:43:48

All sounds very stressful! There is nothing tying you to these play dates and they certainly aren't 'playful' for your daughter so I would avoid them!

Fairenuff Tue 31-May-16 10:49:14

Yanbu.

I would cancel and tell her why. `Your ds is too robust in his play for my dd. Probably best to stick with friends of the same age`, that sort of thing. It's just not worth the stress.

soundslikethat Tue 31-May-16 11:01:26

I have been the other parent in this scenario. My now 4yo was very impulsive and aggressive from 2.5 til 3.75 ish. I tried hard to stop the behaviour (harder than this person seems to tbh) but ultimately we just had to stop playdates for a while for the safety of the other children, and as a lesson to my DS. It was crap and lonely for me especially as it meant I didn't see other adults during the day most days, but that's life and it's passed now. Anyway, my point is that in her shoes I would rather other parents were honest than made excuses. Maybe suggest you try again in 6 months or so, if you're happy with that.

MewlingQuim Tue 31-May-16 11:05:43

It depends how much you like the woman and want to be friends.

My DD and a close friend's DS are about the same age difference and we did an awful lot of refereeing when they were younger. DD used to come off worse in their tussles when they were that age but now they are 5 and 4 it is my DD who is the one pinching the toys and pushing him over while my friend's DS shares and wants to play nicely. It's been swings and roundabouts as they develop their social skills together.

I want to meet up and chat with my friend, so our children have to learn to get along. They are both only children but are just playing like brothers and sisters do, which I recall from my own childhood as very competitive and love/hate. Most of the time they absolutely adore each other and the pros of the relationship far outweigh the cons.

ElizabethLemon Tue 31-May-16 11:22:54

Yanbu, your dd needs to see that you are protecting her and in this case that means staying away from this child.

I was in a similar situation with my neighbour, I drew the line when I watched her son bite mine on the face for absolutely no reason. They were older than your dd and the other child so should have known better. We don't see them much anymore but do sometimes meet out in the open but even that is a nightmare to be honest although my son is less likely to be savaged!

PPie10 Tue 31-May-16 12:32:09

Yanbu, he sounds naughty and she sounds wet. You don't have to feel bad to not want him to be around your DD, your DD shouldn't be pushed around and hurt. You should tell her though, that he's too rough with her and you don't want your DD being hurt.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead Tue 31-May-16 12:36:55

Play dates should be fun for your DD which it doesn't sound like these are

Yanbu to pull out, tbh mainly because the mum doesn't seem that bothered (although she might've just been having a bad day)

gandalf456 Tue 31-May-16 12:38:35

I don't think telling her why will go down well it's probably a phase and it'll pass. I'd make excuses and meet up as adults over a drink or a film or something until he's grown out of it. My ds was a nightmare at this age. Not aggressive but really tantrum y and rude. He's better now. I've learnt to take other people's kids behaviour with a pinch of salt as next time it could be mine but do avoid play dates if they are too much

Imnotaslimjim Tue 31-May-16 12:50:25

My DD was like the older boy, rough and tumbly with no impulse control. I was constantly on edge trying to prevent her hurting younger DC at toddler groups and eventually stopped going though the leader insisted we were welcome. It sounds like his mother isn't trying very hard to prevent him hurting your DD and for that I would say you need to suggest that maybe you don't meet up for a little while.

Imaginosity Tue 31-May-16 13:43:45

Sounds like my DS at that age. I think it's quite normal for some children to go through phases like this and does not mean they won't settle down in a while - and it does not necessarily mean the parents are doing their best.

If you don't want to meet up with her you don't have too - but if you like her, and as long as she's trying to get her DS to behave, then I would meet up if I were you - just keep a close eye on things. Maybe focus on distracting them when it looks like it might get a bit rough.

GeoffreysGoat Tue 31-May-16 14:03:48

Yanbu. Some kids my 3.5yo plays with beautifully and I can let him run off and play independently. Others it's a constant stream of "no don't hit/punch/throw/poke" and I can barely let him out if arms reach.

If the kids don't play nicely and you like the mum maybe suggest an evening out?

doubleginplease Tue 31-May-16 15:23:56

She's had another baby so to be fair she was probably exhausted. She's always posting on Facebook about how naughty he is, maybe the arrival of a new sibling has contributed to this. i just don't know.

I didn't like that she allowed him to get away with not saying he's sorry to my DD when she had asked him to. I also didn't like that she hit him when he had hurt my DD, it wasn't a proper smack though. My DD doesn't bite or hurt (yet!) though she does do things that shed not supposed to. I don't want her being a snowflake.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 31-May-16 15:31:23

I would decline the playdates, and meet up in the evening.

hippiedays Tue 31-May-16 15:45:59

My ex colleague liked to bring her boys to my house when my eldest was under two and they were about four and six. They behaved badly in my house and she seemed to ignore it ie scribbling on my couch, jumping off my coffee table, running upstairs on their own and their play was too aggressive for my child.

She saw it as a chance to have them run around in someone else's house instead of her own. I made excuses not to have her around (thankfully it was about an hours drive). I don't think I would have had the courage to say why though.

GeoffreysGoat Tue 31-May-16 16:00:29

Even the mildest 2yo turns into a total nightmare at 3. I'm assured they grow out of it hmm that said, there's no excuse for not pulling them up on it for the billionth brain-liquefying time

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